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this morning…

i have a deadline.  it’s important.  it’s a hard deadline… but this morning… again… i’m driven but unfocused.  i’m stressed financially but i’m almost where i need to be… i need to wait, just be patient.  these things will come together.  it won’t take long.  i know it. 

i look out my office with a view window… with hope, promise, and a real feeling of accomplishment.  sure, i put my business on hold… for my family.   i had to.  36k in debt for personal loans will do that to you.  it’s just what had to happen.  there was no other way.  i can’t continue to live like this when i’m the sole support of my family.  it’s risky and irresponsible and a better option for my next stage… when i’m 40 and an empty-nester.  not right now.  the timing is off but… it’s in my plan.  don’t worry, i’ll be back doing this again. 

i know i can.  i’m driven, i’m smart, i have integrity.  i can do this.  i’ve learned a lot.   but i have to have a savings.  it can’t work without the funds to support the unexpected.  those moments destroyed what i had built.  it was the desperation. the descisions made in haste.  that’s what did it.  that’s why i had clients not pay me, lost good connections, etc.  it was those times when i couldn’t afford it.   when i was broken on the inside and i couldn’t get out of bed.  when i didn’t have a vehicle.  when my laptop was pawned or broken.  it’s embarrassing… but i had to.  i had no choice.

things 5 years ago were better.  i was happy. i really was.  i was excited that FL was working.  i moved back to KC but i shouldn’t have.  david was right.  i should’ve taken care of business with my mom and had a plan in place to be back in FL.  i could’ve done it.  that would’ve worked. 

i’m due for a restart.  it’s okay.  i’m stronger than i’ve ever been.   i can handle more than i’ve ever thought i could.  when my brother and his wife said, ‘what have you sacrified?  when have you ever?’.  you have no idea.  i’m invested far more than you could ever understand.  this is my dream.  i define it.   the cost is impossible to calculate.   it’s a HUGE committment.  i’ve been ready.  i will stop at nothing!  i have 5 yrs to reposition myself.  i can do it.  i will do it.  watch.

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