I am here.
I am present.
I am shattered.
I am worn.
I am beautiful (most days).
I am happy.
I am struggling.
I am awake.
I am alive.
I am thinking.
I am strategically planning.
I am in love.
I am rebuilding.
Everyone has their down days. But today will not be that for me. I will enjoy the beauty before me.
On my mind…
I’m withdrawn. But I can’t share my reasons.
I’m nervous. But I can’t share my hesitation.
I’m scared. But I can’t share my fears.
I’m happy. But I can’t share my happiness.
I’m nauseous. But I can’t share my discomfort.
This is my journey. I’ll share most of it. But not all of it. I’ll share what I want on my schedule.
As I sit here. With my gourmet fries. (That put my mouth aflame. Feeling out of sorts. Feeling less than great. Feeling less confident than usual. But I threw on my heels. Typical me. Put pants on. Downed a glass of red wine. Skipped the makeup. Skipped the hair. To spend time listening to him. With all of these old and young greats. Listening to him beat away at the drums. Listening to the sax. Enjoying these moments completely.
Tomorrow is more this and that. More complexity. But this evening. This is easy. This is me. Him and I. And I love it.
What if I actually shared every thought. What would actually happen.
I’d say I love you more often.
I’d open my mouth instead of thinking first.
I’d sometimes probably regret it.
But mostly I’d probably more be speaking my truth. A constant battle for me.
It’s hard to be honest on every single thought. I mean, who even wants me to share every thought. Who even needs to hear it. Sometimes it’s better to filter out your thoughts. I think it gives people the idea that it’s more genuine when you don’t say it all of the time.
What if I actually mean it all of the time. What if I just really thinking the most loving thoughts nonstop.
I’d be blessed. I’d be happy. And I am. I’ve had so many years of hurt and despair. Here I sit completely fulfilled in every aspect of my life. There are times that I feel afraid to share my bliss. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be sharing all of these great moments all of the time. I feel like it might be hurtful to people going through times like the former me….
What a shame to fear to speak.
He says: I think your presence in my life is a given not a option.
I actually believe it. I never have ever felt this way before. I thought I had… before I met him. I thought for sure I’d been in love. But I haven’t. It happened exactly the way everyone said it would.
It happened to me when I stopped believing just enough to leave myself open to the idea.
It was the moment I met him. I knew. It’s ridiculous. It’s the stupid fairy tale stuff I’ve always wanted.
In all reality, you never know when the story will change. But this very moment is wonderful. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more. He’s designed for me. I know with every piece of my body and heart. I don’t question his loyalty. I actually believe.
This is my promise…
I promise to stay.
I promise my loyalty.
I promise my sacrifice.
I promise my commitment.
I promise my undying affections.
I promise my support.
I can’t believe the blessings that I’ve received this past year. It feels like I’m finally reaching the part of my life that I can enjoy without hurt. I finally am okay. I’ve prayed and prayed… And now I’m in the best spot. Who knows how long the roses will last… But I’ll enjoy the blessings of today.
Whatever happens tomorrow, we had today. – One Day (movie with Anne Hathaway)
It’s been nearly 10 years. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m actually mad about it this year. I’m mad as is possible for the aftermath of a cancer victim. Cancer didn’t kill my mom. I tell everyone that but that’s not exactly what happened. This was treatable. It didn’t have to end this way.
- The immeasurable damage to my family unit
- The damaged relationship with my brother.
- The missed moments.
- The loss of my best friend.
So much that I couldn’t even begin to describe. I wish I could put into words simply what has actually happened. Why I’m so upset or mad. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I’m working through it.
But it’s the grandma moments. And how my son doesn’t even really remember her.
I get it. She’s gone. She let symptoms go on for over two years from cervical cancer. She didn’t have to. When she was finally ready to do something about it. It was too late. It broke my heart. I took care of her in her last months. Me and my grandma. We watched her body deteriorate. We watched her under so much morphine, she wasn’t even herself. We watched her slip off to heaven. Just us.
It was by far the worst thing I ever had to go through but I’m past it. When my daughter and I drove past her old house today, it wasn’t the same. We weren’t sad. We didn’t stop. We stopped to feed the baby and cuddle her in the parking lot outside of town.
It was a great day. I’m fine. I miss her.
A true empty nester
Mom of a college student
Mom of a mom
A sort of gf
A festival goer
A student loan payer
Free of a car payment
I’m more then that really. I’m feeling almost whole. I’m a best friend. I’m a girlfriend. I’m a mom (my best job). I’m a controller at work. I’m good-hearted. I’m free in my decision making. I do what I want. I’m trying to put myself first but it is hard these days.
I just spent another 5 days on me. I left Joshua at home. I left Victoria behind nearly due. It was fine. Joshua had to work. Tori has a family. But ugh the mom heart is not very forgiving. It doesn’t care about your reasons. Even when you’re doing it right, it manages to make you question yourself time & time again. It’s so hard. It’s the worst. But it’s absolutely what I should be doing. It’s time.
I had fun. I love my friends. I love the music I heard. I enjoyed all of it. I stayed up late. I did a stupid beer bong for the first time. I failed at floppy cup. Miserably… Ha. I ignored work. I didn’t have service. I kept tabs on my babies as often as possible. It was great! I feel renewed.
I’m ready for grandbaby. Ready for work. Ready to continue to lead Joshua.