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Archive for March, 2007

finally, here is where i’m going… 3/29/2007

What if you met someone completely worth it? Completely perfect?  But you have all these hang-ups or things you need to work on about yourself… things you know you need to focus on… and you really want to… but when you’re in the moment that the stuff is happening… you do nothing… you don’t pay attn… you don’t make good choices… you enjoy the moments for what they are but are too afraid to add anything to them…

 

After the fact, you know… you know you could’ve done this… or you should’ve done that… things would be perfect if you’d have paid attn more, tried to put forth effort, concentrated on the now… instead you do nothing…

 

Now you’re insecure… insecure because you haven’t done your best and you know it… regretful because you probably could’ve changed things if you’d been more considerate… eager to move things further than they are ready to go because you knew the right things to do, thought about it, hesitated and lost an opportunity…

 

All the past experiences you’ve gone through, have changed the you that you used to be… you used to not get worried or stressed without talking for a day or so, you used to be more excited to find out new things then ponder ‘when is this going to end, I’m sure it won’t last’… scared to figure out too much, scared to include him too much, scared….

 

I admit it, I’m awful at getting to know someone, I’m not an easy person to figure out, you can’t touch me too much, I pull away not even for a reason, just because, I think I was born that way, I think my family raised three kids who can’t feel, who can’t hug without feeling weird, who can’t just have normal emotions, it takes really concentration and work to really just do normal stuff…

 

Sometimes, I wish I could… I wish I could accept the now… I’m working on it… I’m enjoying it… I really am… I’m sure if I added just a little bit of extra effort, things would be just so…

 

Looking forward to the future… shutting out the past… dreaming far beyond that…

 

11:35 PM

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