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lack of sleep

Instead of sleep. I worry. Worry about… Things. Dreams. Wishes. Hopes.

Money… Again I’m in another shitty money situation. This time, it’s entirely my fault. I’ll probably lose my driver’s license soon. I feel like an idiot. I just can’t do it. I can provide a decent life for my family.

Love… I met someone… Too young. Too perfect. Too great. I got too physical, too quick. Again. I just can’t stop figuring it out the hard way. If it’s too easy… It’s not worth it. So I tell myself. I just wish one time, I wouldn’t be disappointed. It’d be the right thing. I’m sick of trying. Really sick of dating. Sick of putting myself out there. It’s heartbreaking. I barely believe anymore. I’m givin up. Giving up on finding that one true love. He’s not out there. I’ve already passed him up. He was wonderful, perfect, appropriate and I treated him like shit. Because that’s what I do. Me, the sweetest girl in the world. I do that. Or I take it. You pick.

Mom… I miss my momma. Every single day. I can’t stand it. I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could one thing to make that guilt go away. The guilt of missing her bday and not doing one special thing.

I’m a mess lately. I’m so mixed up. I cry all the time. And not even for a reason. I just feel like I’ve failed at everything. I try to stay positive and be confident in my decisions but I don’t know where my support people are. I really think this mostly happened when I lost my grandma.

Yeah, I said it my grandma. I just stopped believing in the greater good. I just don’t believe. I wish I did. She broke my heart. Deeper than the deepest wound. It’ll never heal. She doesn’t understand what she’s done. I can’t explain it. I can’t believe it. I don’t blame her for my grandpa’s death. He was going to pass, it was his time. He definitely could have had more. But she made his last moments unbearable. She took that from him, me and my family. She didn’t honor him. Someone I truly really believed was sooo good… Just wasn’t.

I have so many things to fix/handle. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll do it. I’ll take just one thing at a time. I’ll start with family. I’ll work on that focus. It’ll be fine. Take my mind off the whole and keep it on one small manageable piece. Lord, I’m falling. Please lift me up.

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