Archive for June, 2012

killing time…

here I am… at work (again)… not working.  why?  because i’ve completed monthend and i’ve worked a goood 6 hrs today… which seems to be my cutoff lately. 

i think… it’s time for me to enjoy a bowl of warm soup, a cup of coffee, and a nice blog… (the mind of a business owner)

i didn’t realize how hard it was to find a silly blog to read.  i want to read about the struggle of a business owner.  the struggle of a single mom.  the struggle of single-handedly raising a teenage son.  i want to read about someone exactly like me… i want to identify.  i want to gain insight, knowledge on how the hell i’m supposed to get through all of this.  someone that struggles financially. and how they figure it out.  how they deter the suicidal thoughts of running their vehicle into a tree after a small setback that was the last straw.  i know how people do it.  i do.  i understand completely how people just give up.  it’s that lump in their throat.  it’s reality hitting them in the face.  it’s the impossible notion that this is the final decision that your whole future rests on.  sure, i’ll get through but i’m tired of the struggle.  the constant uphill battle.  no, it’s not over… it’s doable… but when will this stop?  when will i officially be past this?  can i start now?  i just want to say ‘fuck it’.  yes, i’ll do it.  whatever it is that allows me to push the do-over button, i’m in.  is it another freaking payday loan, is it working two jobs, what is it??? how can i make this all just a part of my past that i never want to relive again… i know… i can’t. 

i can’t because i know in my heart that i love this.  i love this struggle.  i love figuring it all out.  i love growing it.   i love my family.   i love every single piece of this shitty puzzle.  i have faith in it.  i have faith that i can do this.  successfully!  i feel it in my heart.  i know my mom would tell me to stop.  don’t do it, it’s too hard.  it’s not worth it.  perfect motivation to keep me moving forward.  i trust in Him to lead me.  lead me to a steady path.  bring things back into focus with perfect timing. 

i am stronger than this.  i know that this is only a minor problem in the whole scheme of things… but it doesn’t make it any less difficult to endure.  i look back at this past few years and think… this isn’t even the worst of it.  it really isn’t.  it’s bad… believe me, every single paycheck is rent/car payt.  it’s bad.  i have $7 after payday on fri.  that’s bad.  i’m going to walk to work for the next two weeks.  it’s pretty shitty.  but i can do it.  i road the bus in Orl.  not my fave days but i did it.  i met some interesting people.  it was absolutely a positive experience overall.  cheaper, less trouble, and rather friendly.

1.5 months but who’s counting.  i’m not afraid of anything.

Categories: my life

this morning…

i have a deadline.  it’s important.  it’s a hard deadline… but this morning… again… i’m driven but unfocused.  i’m stressed financially but i’m almost where i need to be… i need to wait, just be patient.  these things will come together.  it won’t take long.  i know it. 

i look out my office with a view window… with hope, promise, and a real feeling of accomplishment.  sure, i put my business on hold… for my family.   i had to.  36k in debt for personal loans will do that to you.  it’s just what had to happen.  there was no other way.  i can’t continue to live like this when i’m the sole support of my family.  it’s risky and irresponsible and a better option for my next stage… when i’m 40 and an empty-nester.  not right now.  the timing is off but… it’s in my plan.  don’t worry, i’ll be back doing this again. 

i know i can.  i’m driven, i’m smart, i have integrity.  i can do this.  i’ve learned a lot.   but i have to have a savings.  it can’t work without the funds to support the unexpected.  those moments destroyed what i had built.  it was the desperation. the descisions made in haste.  that’s what did it.  that’s why i had clients not pay me, lost good connections, etc.  it was those times when i couldn’t afford it.   when i was broken on the inside and i couldn’t get out of bed.  when i didn’t have a vehicle.  when my laptop was pawned or broken.  it’s embarrassing… but i had to.  i had no choice.

things 5 years ago were better.  i was happy. i really was.  i was excited that FL was working.  i moved back to KC but i shouldn’t have.  david was right.  i should’ve taken care of business with my mom and had a plan in place to be back in FL.  i could’ve done it.  that would’ve worked. 

i’m due for a restart.  it’s okay.  i’m stronger than i’ve ever been.   i can handle more than i’ve ever thought i could.  when my brother and his wife said, ‘what have you sacrified?  when have you ever?’.  you have no idea.  i’m invested far more than you could ever understand.  this is my dream.  i define it.   the cost is impossible to calculate.   it’s a HUGE committment.  i’ve been ready.  i will stop at nothing!  i have 5 yrs to reposition myself.  i can do it.  i will do it.  watch.

Categories: my life
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