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Archive for July, 2012

him…

every time he says it, i get a little down.  what would i do?  how can i commit to someone who hasn’t committed fully to the same state.  i’m scared.  i’m sick about it.  i want to pull away.  i don’t want to end up in another situation that i thought was perfect… then…. like a slap in the face, it was complete bullshit.  every single waking moment.  he didn’t want me.  he didn’t want my family.  he wanted a fucking girlfriend.  someone that he could see on his terms.  i was a perfect target until something better came along. 

i’m not saying he set out to do that… but that’s what happened.  he actually said to me three short years ago.  after meeting his entire family at a family reunion. introduced by his mom as his fiance.  he said to me, a month or so after we moved closer.  well, i just don’t think this is how i want my life to be.  you’re a mess.  you have this business.  you are scatterbrained and don’t have your shit together.  you’re life is chaotic.  that’s when i ended it.  i had to.  it was already over.  what a waste… i drug my kids through that.  what a letdown. someone who just didn’t support me.  he wasn’t a christian.  he said he was… but after all this time, the truth came out.  he wasn’t.  he said. i hate when you invite me to your church.  i think it’s ridiculous that you believe.  it’s funny.  how stupid!

how could i have overlooked that HUGE dealbreaker.  stupid love.  that’s how.  i fell in love with him.   head over heels.  i never felt it that strongly before him…. and never have i felt the same after…

until now. here i am.  jaded, scorned, not really ready to be completely sure that i can say… oh fine, i believe.  yes, i can love.  i can be in love.  sure, i might actually find true love.  instead, i’m here.  in an excellent relationship.  perfect really, with a great boyfriend… i panick.  i worry.  what if he moves out of this shithole town which i’ve committed to for the next 5 yrs of my life.  what if he doesn’t want to be a ‘dad’ type or a leader for my son.  what if i want a family man… and he’s not.  what if… what if, i love him and i don’t see the truth like i did with matt.  what if???  can i handle it?  can josh handle it?  is it the right thing for me?  so i worry, i talk about it.  i don’t mention it.  i wait.  i hope. i think… it’ll be fine.  give it some time.  nobody’s perfect.  maybe things will come around to put my mind at ease.  he’s good to me, he’s good for me.  i know i’m worth it.  i know it’ll work out.  i’ll wait because i have to.  there is zero chance that i could shut him out.  he’s too perfect for me.  i just hope it’s really the good stuff.  i can’t handle another taste of defeat.

gracious receiver… yeah, i can do that.

my grandma always said… be a gracious receiver.  my uncle wanted to pay for my college… i wouldn’t accept.  knowing what i know now… i know i did the right thing.  it was a nice guesture but i fully appreciate what i’ve put into my unfinished education.  i’m mostly finished with my bachelor’s degree but i know where/why i fell short.  i appreciate the financial impact and toll it had on my family.  i did waste a little bit of funding from our government… but not without consequence. 

this week was extremely tough for me.  i finally admitted it.  i accepted that i finally reached the point that i could no longer go without assistance.  i called a food pantry.  the well finally ran dry.  i’m less than 30 days from my last rent payment and i actually ran short.  my next pay day is Fri but it’ll be Overland Park rent & car payment.  Again.  Almost there but not quite close enough.  i walked into the church to see how they could help.  they packed an amazing grocery cart for josh and i.  thank God!  i knew there was no way that we would make it through the week.  a nice old gentleman pushed the cart out to my car and gently helped me unload.  and i thought… this is what we’ve packed at Harvester’s.  am i really in that bad of shape?  i felt guilty for taking from someone worse off.  but in reality… we really truly needed the food.  it’s awful it’s embarrassing.  it makes me feel inadequate, like a failure.  but it’s true. we need it.  we took it.  we had to.

josh said, mom maybe you can volunteer here after we get in better shape.  he is exactly right.  i have a real passion for helping others in my community.  i’ve been helping at the shepard’s center of raytown for years but i can no longer meet the schedule needed to really help out.  this is exactly what i’ll do.  help others. work with the elderly… it’s perfect… besides, they helped me when i was completely my personal worst. 

i’ve definitely reached my personal worst but i’m thankful for all of the times that i’ve made it through.  it’s been hard and if these last less than 30 are the worst of it… i feel really great about where i’m headed.  i can handle this.  but i’ll definitely make some changes now that financially i can.  i’m going to live a little more that’s for sure.  life isn’t going to keep passing me by.  i’ve earned a reprieve. 

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

things i want to do… and places i’d like to visit

things i want to do… and places i’d like to visit… to be revised regularly… :)

  • skydive
  • parasail
  • cooking classes
  • hiking excursions
  • mark up a map of all the places i’ve been, places to visit, abroad travels that i’d like
  • wine club membership
  • visit big name wineries in CA or other well-known places
  • explore the mountains
  • visit the 7 wonders
  • grand canyon
  • niagra falls
  • learn spanish and french (again) to speak fluently so i can travel abroad without worry
  • invest in a timeshare (maybe disney vacation club)

i’ll think of more later… time to get my work on…

things that i like to do…

things that i like to do… to be revised regularly.

  1. movies, i like to watch movies… a lot
  2. walk, i love long walks… beach or no beach
  3. bowling, i love stupid bowling.  one of my fave pasttimes with kelly was our bowling nights with friends.
  4. dance my face off, i’m a lil out of practice but i LOVE dancing nights.  i can’t get enough.
  5. traveling, i’m a travel fanatic.  i will travel more this year.  i love it!  once a month is going to happen for me.
  6. listening to music, with him or without. but i’ve grown quite fond of our siriusly Sinatra in the background while he cooks for/with me.
  7. coffee dates
  8. wine tastings, i’m not a connoisseur but i love wine… and trying new things.
  9. theatre in the park, i love a good play with family and friends
  10. hiking, i love exploring our country… maybe i’ll expand that to abroad once i get my feet wet seeing more of our country.
  11. outdoor adventure, i’m up for anything.
  12. running/jogging, once i get on my feet financially, i’ll be participating in 5Ks on a regular basis.
  13. bicycling, i haven’t started because i can never justify buying a bike… but soon i will.
  14. networking, as much as it wasn’t easy at first, i’ve grown to really appreciate networking.  i have met some terrific people through trying to grow my business.
  15. visiting my family, there is nothing more important to me than traveling to see my family.  i plan to do more of that.
Categories: to do lists Tags: , ,

he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

i see my son… laying in the corner of my living room… on a mattress. our only piece of furniture since 6/1/12. he didn’t sign up for this. he is a good kid. i am a good mom. we used to be a good family. a while back. now what do we do? pass the time. literally, that’s it. no more walks on the plaza. no more quiktrip runs. no more starbucks, trips to the park, road trips, etc. no more visiting art museums or watching movies at crown center. no more ice skating. stuff we used to do… that he was too young to honestly even remember. no more dinners out. no more ordering off anything other than a dollar menu. nothing. we do nothing.
we can’t. it’s sucks but it’s a fact. we can’t do a fucking thing. i mean, literally. every week, my new friend at work asks me to lunch or drinks. and God i want to… i really do. i used to do that stuff. i used to have fun. i used to smile about stuff. now i’m frozen. i can’t move. i can’t do anything. i have things to do but i can’t do them. i just waste the time like it’s infinitely replacable. like, shit, who even fucking cares. i don’t. why does it matter if i spend 6 hrs writing my stupid blog. or updating fb. or checking my bank account… although, there is no way, that there would be any change. i wish. i wish by some stroke of luck, i’d have a friendly deposit of $50 to get me through this week. my work schedule is too flexible. sure, it’s great but since i’ve started, i’ve worked under 32 hrs/wk. because i can. i’m hourly… and i’ve been told that i can come and go as i please… so i do… which costs me and my inflexible budget. it makes it all very unmanageable. it’s exactly why i can’t make it. i can’t do it because of me. it’s all my fault. i did this. i take full responsbility. i’ve changed my childrens’ lives for the worse. i’m in debt to my daughter over a grand. it’s my fault. i borrowed from my kid to support us. everything i’m strongly against. i’ve done it. i’ve used a credit card for the first time ever… because i had to. i had no choice. i’ve disappointed my dad. i feel good about my choices but he doesn’t understand. i’ve ruined my relationship with my brother. when i came back from FL and saw him at my daughter’s grad. all i had to do was to have my shit together. but instead more fucking drama. more police trouble. just to further confirm his belief that i’m a piece of shit unworthy of a second chance.
i’m not. i know who i am. i feel good about me… but if you lay it all out there. what i’ve been through. it’s a lot. it’s a lot to lookover. it’s a lot to say… well, it’s not her fault. she was just trying anything to make her situation better. i don’t need anyone to understand my journey. i know where i’ve been. i’m proud of me. i have the strong support people that i need in my life. they’re exactly where i need them to be. right beside me. i know that they are confident in me. they know that i am doing my best. and it hasn’t been easy. i have not just floundered around aimlessly. this is far more calculated than that. i am a planner. i plan everything. every single step.
one day, it’ll come together. i’m almost there. i know my family will eventually see… but in that day will i accept it? will i be bitter because when i was truly down they didn’t support me? absolutely. i know who my support people are. more often than not, they aren’t family. there are only a few.

less than a month… i feel… renewed… rejuvenated

i’m almost there… what will i do with this newfound freedom? work harder, create a new list of personal goals, enjoy things, travel, put family first work second, do what i love every single second.
that’s what i’ll do… sounds crazy that i’ve really spent the past 4 yrs just making it through… just pushing past every paycheck… to the next. deciding… hmmm. what will we not be able to afford with this one. finally free of that stress.
file bankruptcy. that’s #1 on my list. end this. i want a phone number free of collection calls, i want decent credit that i’ve now destroyed.
i don’t regret a single thing… but i won’t mind walking away from all of this. i’m a microsecond away from a heart attack, i’m sure of it.
i want to go to games with my son. i want to enjoy brunch with my family on Sunday mornings. i want coffee in the morning on a patio. i want to run with my puppy free of worry.
these are my dreams. normal, everyday life. that’s what i need. no more pressure. no more stress. a smarter start.

today… an all new outlook. well, maybe it’s the same… just a little more clearly defined.

I took today off of work.  because I needed the day.  I needed to gather my thoughts.  Correct my attitude and face this head on working on my goals. I know I’m a positive person.  I’m strong.  I just need to go back to my start.  When this all began.  Who am I?  What makes me content?  What keeps me moving forward?  I need to stop thinking that I may run my car into a tree… because it’s starting to sound reasonable to me.  It’s causing me to lose my focus and it’s affecting my family.

So, today… I took the day off at work.  I made my son and I pancakes with what we had to cook.  I made coffee.  I sat on the patio.  Then, off to the library.  I need to be inspired. I want to read about others that want to go further.  Do big things.  Or maybe have done them with opposition not far behind them.  I want to read about women who really just did it.  Just really pushed through and got ahead.  I’m not looking to advance at work… I’m just looking to become a leader.  To do something with my life.  Something that I’m proud of.  Keep my family on track.  Be someone active in my community.  I’m working on it.  I know I can do it.  I will. 

So, here we go… wish me luck. 

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