Home > my life > he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

i see my son… laying in the corner of my living room… on a mattress. our only piece of furniture since 6/1/12. he didn’t sign up for this. he is a good kid. i am a good mom. we used to be a good family. a while back. now what do we do? pass the time. literally, that’s it. no more walks on the plaza. no more quiktrip runs. no more starbucks, trips to the park, road trips, etc. no more visiting art museums or watching movies at crown center. no more ice skating. stuff we used to do… that he was too young to honestly even remember. no more dinners out. no more ordering off anything other than a dollar menu. nothing. we do nothing.
we can’t. it’s sucks but it’s a fact. we can’t do a fucking thing. i mean, literally. every week, my new friend at work asks me to lunch or drinks. and God i want to… i really do. i used to do that stuff. i used to have fun. i used to smile about stuff. now i’m frozen. i can’t move. i can’t do anything. i have things to do but i can’t do them. i just waste the time like it’s infinitely replacable. like, shit, who even fucking cares. i don’t. why does it matter if i spend 6 hrs writing my stupid blog. or updating fb. or checking my bank account… although, there is no way, that there would be any change. i wish. i wish by some stroke of luck, i’d have a friendly deposit of $50 to get me through this week. my work schedule is too flexible. sure, it’s great but since i’ve started, i’ve worked under 32 hrs/wk. because i can. i’m hourly… and i’ve been told that i can come and go as i please… so i do… which costs me and my inflexible budget. it makes it all very unmanageable. it’s exactly why i can’t make it. i can’t do it because of me. it’s all my fault. i did this. i take full responsbility. i’ve changed my childrens’ lives for the worse. i’m in debt to my daughter over a grand. it’s my fault. i borrowed from my kid to support us. everything i’m strongly against. i’ve done it. i’ve used a credit card for the first time ever… because i had to. i had no choice. i’ve disappointed my dad. i feel good about my choices but he doesn’t understand. i’ve ruined my relationship with my brother. when i came back from FL and saw him at my daughter’s grad. all i had to do was to have my shit together. but instead more fucking drama. more police trouble. just to further confirm his belief that i’m a piece of shit unworthy of a second chance.
i’m not. i know who i am. i feel good about me… but if you lay it all out there. what i’ve been through. it’s a lot. it’s a lot to lookover. it’s a lot to say… well, it’s not her fault. she was just trying anything to make her situation better. i don’t need anyone to understand my journey. i know where i’ve been. i’m proud of me. i have the strong support people that i need in my life. they’re exactly where i need them to be. right beside me. i know that they are confident in me. they know that i am doing my best. and it hasn’t been easy. i have not just floundered around aimlessly. this is far more calculated than that. i am a planner. i plan everything. every single step.
one day, it’ll come together. i’m almost there. i know my family will eventually see… but in that day will i accept it? will i be bitter because when i was truly down they didn’t support me? absolutely. i know who my support people are. more often than not, they aren’t family. there are only a few.

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