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tomorrow… the trip begins :)

August 16, 2012 Leave a comment

tomorrow… i leave for a road trip with him.  my fave thing to do… and i get it exclusively with my favorite person in the world, excluding my children of course.

we have a busy week.  i have to work nearly every day…. but i will not take for granted the nights that we share.  i’m so excited to take this break from responsibility… i wish i could afford to go a little crazy…

on the list:

maryland crabs, his family cookout, six flags (terrifying roller coasters), jersey shore, camping, philly cheese steaks, NYC on a Fri night, delicious steak at Keen’s, a wedding… then home.

i’d say that’s enough.  i can’t wait to get going!  i wish i’d won the powerball so that i could have some silly spending money.  NYC on a budget of $50?  ick… that doesn’t work.  that’s okay.  i get paid Fri but i only still have less than $100 of expendable cash after bills.  oh well, someday i’ll come back… and i’ll really explore the way i’d like…. for now i’ll call it a sampling of my future travels. :)

i’m meeting his family.  i’m a little nervous.  mom’s don’t tend to realize how awesome i am right away.  but maybe she will.  hopefully, i love her.  i have this little void in my heart where my mom used to fit.  i’d love to fill that spot with a backup.  maybe this isn’t permanent, who knows… but i could really use a momma.  sometimes, it’d be really nice.  i really miss our late night chats.  hot tea and conversation.  honestly, a real friend would be nice.  like a girl, you know.  just someone that i can just depend on because they’re supposed to. because they want to.  because there’s nothing more important.

yeah, i’d say i’m a little broken, dismantled, in a disarray because of my past.  there’s just been a lot of turmoil in my life.  a huge mess.  a ton of crazy stuff that has been a lot to deal with… but i’ve made it through.  i’m pretty well-rounded, really.  it’s gonna be great.   i can’t wait!

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

disappoinment… but this is my life… and i’m where i need to be.

August 16, 2012 Leave a comment

i hear the disappointment in his voice… not over what i’ve said… but stuff i haven’t.  but, in reality, i’m proud of me.  sure, i struggled.  sure, he helped.  he really helped.  he’s done his fair share.  he’s drawn the line in the sand.  i get it.  he feels used.  it’s stupid.  fucking stupid.  hey p.s. i started a business four years ago to be with my family more.  i was missing everything.  i wasn’t able to be a mom that i needed to be.  it didn’t work.  it didn’t work because i spent more time focused on the business than on the only thing that i really give a shit about.  you, of all people, should understand how tough that is.  instead, you bash me.  you ignore me. when i’ve finally reached a good place and set all of that behind me.  you’re my fucking dad.  you’re supposed to suck it up and stick by me.  i’m not a criminal for Christ’s sake.  it’s all related to a lack of funding.  that’s it.  nothing else.  you and grandma saying that stuff, acting like i have an alcohol problem.  what is wrong with you?  if either of you took the time to actually spend time with me, you’d realize how ridiculous that is.

i’m a good person.  i’m happy with the things i’ve done… i feel good about who i am as a person.  but here i am… writing off another unsupportive family member.  it’s okay.  i’ve known it all along.  you’re the one person who always makes me feel like shit.  you always have that ‘i’m right about everything’ tone.  that you really just do it better.  well, look at you, you’re not perfect.  if you’re mom hadn’t saved your ass all of those years, where would u be?  does she do this to you?  no, she doesn’t… i know firsthand.

to those who’ve turned their backs on me:  i’m in a great place now.  i’m right where i need to be.  i can actually afford to collect my life and move forward.  for once, i’m able to do the things that i know make sense.

the life of the single mom, completely on her own is not easy.  sure, he’s paid for shit.  so what.  i mean, really in the whole scheme of things, his one part, while very necessary and i’m truly grateful, was optional.  my piece in this… never has been.  i do this, i live this, i make every decision… i alone live with the consequences.

 

last night. a reminder… that i need out of this. i want & need it.

i look at my phone after i get home from a busy day of hunting for a tent/cooler for the float trip this weekend… i have a text message from my phone provider, virgin mobile.  it’s after 11pm so i the office is closed… and they’ve shutoff my phone.

normally, not  a big deal, obviously a computer problem on their end…

but instead… i get upset.  sort of a tantrum really.  you know, i’ve been through a lot lately.  i’ve reached a breaking point.  this one stupid little thing could just be it.  the one thing to really throw me over the edge.  look, we already have it bad enough.  i don’t have my own bed.  we don’t have anything we need. this phone was a saving grace for me. honestly, probably shouldn’t have paid the bill.  but i did.  i paid it so that i could have this one thing.  communication.   with the people that matter to me.  the people that just really hold my hand through this whole mess.  honestly, they probably don’t even know who they are… they probably have no idea that they keep me going.

poor Joshua, he doesn’t deserve this.  his mom is a mess, she can’t handle it.  i just don’t know how to keep this going.  i’ll be fine.  we’ll be fine.  but even the smallest thing that rocks my boat… throws me into uncontrollable fits.  i could not stop crying.  i just can’t figure one more thing out. i need my budget to go exactly as planned. not one more bump.  i don’t have any other way.  i need this float trip. i need this road trip out of here.  i can’t handle no phone for this period.  i can’t handle a flat tire… i can’t handle one more thing.  nothing. i need it to just work.  as planned.

maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  my phone plan did end 8/27.  now it’s extended to 9/7 because it was virgin mobile’s mistake.  i really wouldn’t have been able to pay it then anyway.  now it’s closer to my next payday 9/10.

i’m really not trying to be a baby… i’m really trying to keep it together.  i’m so close.  i think i’ll feel rejuvenated after this trip.  i’m sure i’ll be on track emotionally.

prayer: please help me to focus. help me to ward off the little bumps.  i can do this.  i know i can.  i just can’t do it without you.

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