Archive for September, 2012

guest appearance on another blog… i’m in… well, maybe soon.

September 27, 2012 Leave a comment

she said it. be positive… be engaging. i can do that. i’m a champ. i want to tell people all of the great things that i’ve learned being a single mom. you know what i’m in the best place i can possibly be positioned right this second.  i can do this.

me… yes, me. i’ve repaired things with him. exactly what i need and want. i’m working on getting my teenager on track at school. we have a real plan. and it will work. it will take time. i have to work hard to get him to stay on course. i can do this. my daughter… you know i’m struggling with that. we’ve always been very close but letting her live her life on her own… i’ll tell you… it’s not easy. it’s not easy watching her make mistakes and try to learn how to be responsible. i’ve given her the tools to work with… it’s hard watching her not use them. but i’m doing it. i’m getting it all figured out. i’m letting her do this on her own. i don’t want to… not a single bit… but i’m supportive. i love her. i’m there like i need to be.

the best thing about being a single mom for me… and the worst. i get to make all of the decisions. i’m the go-to person for my family. i love that i don’t have to ‘agree’. i don’t have to ‘compromise’. i don’t have to do anything someone else’s way. it’s nice. i mean, don’t get me wrong… i’d LOVE a partner. i really would. i need one. i need someone to hold my hand through this.

i may have found him. he’s really great. sure, we’ve had some problems. i’ve aired them when i probably shouldn’t have. but overall, he’s the best thing to ever happen to me. he includes my son at dinners with his friends and plays video games with him. he talks to him. he makes sure that i’m around. he knows that i’m a lil tricky… you can’t always just ask me to do stuff… you have to include me. you have to make sure i’m involved. i’m busy… i stay really busy. so, he says, do you want to go running after work with me today. after that, let’s go to the store to grab a few things for dinner. he knows… that’s the only way to keep me out of my normal routine of just doing my thing. he makes sure i’m around. because he has to. because he wants to. because he loves me.

he’s good for me… and he’s good to me. he keeps me grounded. he pushes me, gently. i’m a little bit of a hard person to agree with every now and again… he never gets me to that point. we’re only six months in… but i’m telling you… he’s the closest thing i’ve ever had to perfect. he’s never really struggled but he gets it. he doesn’t judge my decisions. he saves me when i need it, without a single hesitation. financially, i do my own thing but he always catches my falls without any questions. if i need it, he’ll deliver… no matter what. he won’t hound me. he won’t be critical of me. he just lets me take care of things. he gives me advice on my children when i ask. he doesn’t force me. that would never work for me… but you’d be surprised at the people that you bring into your life that expect you to take their advice. and make sure you hear their opinion.

he has a great family. they’ve stayed married, his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. they live close to each other. they do things together. they’re inviting. they’re welcoming. i love them.

i’m a strong girl. i’ve been doing this for a while. i know that i can handle almost anything this situation throws my way… sometimes, i doubt my own ability… so i write. i write because it helps me at home. i get it out… the frustration, the worry, the bad days. i get them out here. so that i can go home to my family. rejuvenated, ready, a little bit relaxed. it doesn’t always work. teens have a way of really pushing your buttons.

my son is smart, insightful, caring, etc. he’s a wonderful child. he’s always taking care of me. he gets to be a child for sure. at home, he’s my little gentleman. i’m working on getting him ‘trained’ to be a solid man. and every single second, he’s always good to me. getting his schoolwork on track, not so much. we’re definitely working on that… sometimes i think working in the wrong direction… but definitely working on it.

being a single mom… not easy. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. but… i’m happy with the me that i’ve become and all that i’ve overcome.


wish i didn’t…

September 17, 2012 1 comment

i wish it was a thought that never crossed my mind.  but it does.  more than i would ever want.  he apologized.   he promised it was over.  i forgave him.  after all, it only amounted to some photo sharing/conversations, or that’s as much as i’ve gathered.

trust is a funny thing.  you start with a clean slate.  you can’t remove the damage.  it’s like each little slip-up is recorded in sharpie. sure, you can scratch it out.  try your damnedest to remove it… but all in all.  it’s there.  it happened.  so each time you come across that corner of the board, you know it.  you feel it. you think it could be returning.  the fact is, i will never know.  never.  i have to sit here and believe, have faith.  that yeah, we laid this issue to rest.  it’s over.  he loves me.  i’m more important than this.  do i believe it.  sure, i do.  i don’t think that it’s his love for me that’s in question. in his mind, i’m 100% confident that i’m who he thinks he’s looking for… but do i think he truly believes that this was a big deal… no, he doesn’t.  he probably thinks i over-reacted since nothing actually happened.  but i know how things work.  i understand that these things don’t start out at full throttle.  they start out small.  then, before you know it, these pics and conversations are visits.  it’s never enough.  it’s more exciting each time.  with each little conversation, each little memory… you’re building on something, whether you want to or not.  it happens.  girls aren’t emotionless.  this girl cares.  maybe he doesn’t.  she does.  she will.  this will grow past it’s start.

the part that bothers me… is yeah, fuck it, i caught this early.  sure, it’s over.  but when things suck.  when our relationship hits a lull or we don’t see each other as often… what then?  i will worry.  i won’t want to but i will.  i’ll care, i’ll exaggerate things.  i will.  i’ll be upset.  i’ll be irrational.  i’ll cry about it.  i’ll worry.  me, this girl.  i’ll be sad about it.  i won’t say anything but i won’t be okay with it.

and, you know, there probably won’t be anything going on… i never imagined it before… but now i’ve seen pics… i’ve seen conversations.  i’ve seen plans for trips.  i’ve seen it!  i can’t take that back.  i can’t.  it’s stuck in my mind as a gentle reminder that faithful to me is very different from your version.  how could you.  you ruined this.  i loved you.

i’m trying to forgive and move forward. i’m trying to pretend i’m happy.  i’m trying to forget this ever happened.  with this sickness in my tummy on the daily… and this lump in my throat… these tears in my mind.  one day i won’t.

bitter… yeah, you bet i am. dad? what the fuck does that mean.

September 12, 2012 Leave a comment

i deal with the missing homework. i leave work early to pick him up after school when he needs to stay after… hoping and praying that although my irresponsible son did this to me again this week…  i hope that i have a job to go back to.  i deal with the raising him part.  i deal with making sure he’s respectful to others and does his chores.  i make sure that he gets the childrearing he needs. i don’t just play with him and make sure i’m the coolest dad in the world.  i fucking teach him.  i lead him.  i direct his every move.  what do you do????  what do you really do?  how are you impacting this young man to make sure that when it’s his turn to lead, he does it.  taking full responsibility.  how do you actually mold him?

you know, it’s easy for you.  you have him every other weekend or only when you want him.  you go out to dinner with him.  you play video games with him.  maybe watch some games while he’s at your house.  feed yourself and him breakfast.  do you talk to his teachers and couselor to make sure that he’s on track?  do you deal with these anger episodes and try to ensure that he has a way to deal with him on his own so that as he grows he knows more self control.

do you even fucking think about it?  no, you don’t.  you don’t give a shit about that.  if i threaten josh to call you because you’re his dad and it worries josh… he knows i can’t do it.  i can’t call you because instead of dealing with a problem with your son like a reasonable adult, you blame me or his sister.  you attack us.  the ones who are leading this family.  who take full charge while you kick back and take the good.

well, guess what?  those days are numbered for you. do i feel bad that i’m finally going to get some of my independence back. hell no, i don’t.  and i don’t care how getting the child support that is/has been your financial responsiblity affects your life.  ‘i won’t be able to afford to live’.  what the fuck do you think i’ve been doing?  how do i make things work?  what do you think that i do?

he says to me, mom, why do you get so angry at me all of the time. every single thing that i do wrong… what this poor little cutie doesn’t realize… this is supposed to be two people.  two people make a set of parents.  not one.  dad is more than i have him every other weekend.  it’s getting involved.  getting him involved.  keeping him active.  keeping him focused.  keeping him on track to becoming a man.  i don’t know the first thing about it.  it’s teaching him that there’s a time and a place to just man-up.  no excuses.

i’m frustrated, bitter, irritated, unsure of how to do, how to make sure that i’m doing the right things for my son.  i’ll do my best. like always.  but this has never been easy.

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

me, again… yes, i can’t hold onto a bf to save my life…

September 4, 2012 Leave a comment

rant after a heartbreak… i need this… i’m hurt, i feel betrayed… and i don’t understand how someone can do this to you while acting like they truly care for you.  while really fitting into your life and making plans with you.  while merging families.

why does this happen to me… i’m done.  i’m done with all the bullshit!  i’m tired of it!  i’m tired of pouring my heart and soul into everything i do… only to be betrayed by the people that i care so dearly about.  why is it so fucking easy for them to do this to me.  i would NEVER do this to anyone.  i don’t fucking deserve it!  what do i do that’s so bad… that’s so awful that i get treated like this.  nothing! not a freaking thing.  i am caring, sweet, loving, outgoing, etc.  i’m not perfect.  sure, i have my fair share of problems… it’s strictly financial problems; embarrassing but i don’t deserve to be disregarded.  i’m a good person.  i do good things.  i’m a mom.  a caring, loving mom.  i just want a family.  a complete family.  i don’t have one single piece of it.  am i so awful for wanting and seeking a partner in my life?  a real, good person with values and strong family.  someone with their shit together… someone that my son can look up to!  why is that so fucking hard to imagine???  i know why… it doesn’t exist.  it’s bullshit.  it’s a complete waste of time to look.  i should just forget about that whole idea that there might be someone out there that actually gives a shit.  that wouldn’t cheat on me.  that cares enough to finish one thing before he moves on to the next.

close one door before you open another… why isn’t that just common courtesy?  i don’t get it???  let me know.  it’s not that big of a fucking deal.  i don’t want to date anyone that isn’t fully committed to me… why would I??? why would i continue to invest in someone or bring them around my family?  I wouldn’t.  i would never want to have another boyfriend only to end up heartbroken… again… why?  5 whole months wasted.  another man introduced to my son… who really isn’t a good person.  5 months… and in two years or less, i won’t even know this person existed.  another waste of time.  hurtful blow.  to further raise my belief that true love is never going to head my way.  i want it.  i need it.   i am desperate for it.  i’ve lost my mom, i’ve lost my grandpa (& grandma)… the only family that would always stick by me.  here i am longing desperately for a family… an adult to interact with that’s committed to me unconditionally… a partner.  a really hero for my children.  i feel worthy.

fine, lord, i’ll keep waiting… i’ll keep seeking.  i’ll keep putting myself out there… but i’m a lil broken this second.  i’m 100% mr right is going to have to really work hard to get me to really believe.  every single time that i think that’s it’s great, it isn’t.

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