Home > my life > me, again… yes, i can’t hold onto a bf to save my life…

me, again… yes, i can’t hold onto a bf to save my life…

rant after a heartbreak… i need this… i’m hurt, i feel betrayed… and i don’t understand how someone can do this to you while acting like they truly care for you.  while really fitting into your life and making plans with you.  while merging families.

why does this happen to me… i’m done.  i’m done with all the bullshit!  i’m tired of it!  i’m tired of pouring my heart and soul into everything i do… only to be betrayed by the people that i care so dearly about.  why is it so fucking easy for them to do this to me.  i would NEVER do this to anyone.  i don’t fucking deserve it!  what do i do that’s so bad… that’s so awful that i get treated like this.  nothing! not a freaking thing.  i am caring, sweet, loving, outgoing, etc.  i’m not perfect.  sure, i have my fair share of problems… it’s strictly financial problems; embarrassing but i don’t deserve to be disregarded.  i’m a good person.  i do good things.  i’m a mom.  a caring, loving mom.  i just want a family.  a complete family.  i don’t have one single piece of it.  am i so awful for wanting and seeking a partner in my life?  a real, good person with values and strong family.  someone with their shit together… someone that my son can look up to!  why is that so fucking hard to imagine???  i know why… it doesn’t exist.  it’s bullshit.  it’s a complete waste of time to look.  i should just forget about that whole idea that there might be someone out there that actually gives a shit.  that wouldn’t cheat on me.  that cares enough to finish one thing before he moves on to the next.

close one door before you open another… why isn’t that just common courtesy?  i don’t get it???  let me know.  it’s not that big of a fucking deal.  i don’t want to date anyone that isn’t fully committed to me… why would I??? why would i continue to invest in someone or bring them around my family?  I wouldn’t.  i would never want to have another boyfriend only to end up heartbroken… again… why?  5 whole months wasted.  another man introduced to my son… who really isn’t a good person.  5 months… and in two years or less, i won’t even know this person existed.  another waste of time.  hurtful blow.  to further raise my belief that true love is never going to head my way.  i want it.  i need it.   i am desperate for it.  i’ve lost my mom, i’ve lost my grandpa (& grandma)… the only family that would always stick by me.  here i am longing desperately for a family… an adult to interact with that’s committed to me unconditionally… a partner.  a really hero for my children.  i feel worthy.

fine, lord, i’ll keep waiting… i’ll keep seeking.  i’ll keep putting myself out there… but i’m a lil broken this second.  i’m 100% mr right is going to have to really work hard to get me to really believe.  every single time that i think that’s it’s great, it isn’t.

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