Archive for November, 2012

failing… at least, that’s how it feels…

November 10, 2012 Leave a comment

you know… i know they’re good.  they don’t come with instructions.  i have no idea what i’m doing.  none.

i thought boys ‘were easy… not the case.  he’s failing.  he doesn’t care.  he’s a growing a boy who needs direction. i’m not the right person to lead him.  i have no idea what the hell i’m doing.  i’m a girl.  100% girl.  she was easy… i knew exactly how to lead her.  i knew every answer to how she was feeling or how she should behave.  you know, maybe she didn’t listen. but i said with confidence answers that i felt good about… things i knew made sense.  how do i do that same thing for him?  he’s not the same.  it’s not the same.  i don’t know.  i truly don’t know a single thing about boys. i know how to show him how to be a gentleman.  i’ve got that down… i can do ‘gentleman training’ all day long… but what else?  i mean, i don’t know how to make sure he’s an average young man or better than that really…  i don’t know how to know what is wrong…

i feel like i’m failing as a parent… my most important job… my favorite thing in the world… and after all is said and done… i don’t think i did it right.  sure, she’s probably gonna be fine but i don’t think i gave her enough direction.  i really don’t think i did what i should’ve done… i wish i’d have known…

maybe the years will pass and i won’t regret a single thing.   maybe i’ll see that… hmmm…. look lady you did this.  you raised these good people.  they are honest.  they are hard-working.  they are frugal.  they work for what they want/need.  they don’t settle.  she is strong.  stronger than you ever were at her age… it’s a great thing.  it’s so good where she’s headed and been.  she didn’t struggle as much as you. this is a very important piece.  she learned when you weren’t teaching.  he respects you.  he knows you tried your best.  he probably knew you were clueless but look at him now… he’s a man.  he takes care of things without a moment’s hesitation.  because he should.  because he needs to.  because he’s supposed to… i’m proud of him.  he’s accomplished.  he’s working on his dreams.

i hope that’s the case.  i’m hopeful that with all of my faults and uncertainty… i still manage to keep our family close.  i hope that i can keep them close to me and hold them accountable for doing the right thing without asking… sort of the way he does this for me.  he makes me think about my choices.  he doesn’t make a big deal about it.  he just makes a comment that i’ll take with me far after the moment has passed…. it’ll set in.  he probably didn’t mean what i take it for… but it works for me.  it’s non-threatening.  not judgmental in any way.  it’s just a gentle nudge in the direction that i need.  that’s what i need to do for them.  maybe i already do.  i try to lead by example.  i try to do the right thing when i can.  i hope they see that.  i’m sure they do.  i’m sure they know that when i know i’ve done things that i could’ve done better… i try to make it right… no matter what.

i feel like i’m failing.  but i’m sure that it’s just this part.  the part i dreaded.  freshman yr.  get me out of here…. i’ll stay positive.  i’ll try to not mess this up.



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