Archive for February, 2013

my love story… edited

February 26, 2013 Leave a comment

if i were to write my own love story… how would it start?  would there be two characters to start or would i just be figuring myself out at the same that i’m connecting with another?

who knows what would happen…

i imagine it would go something like this…

she meets him. since the very start it was amazing.  their connection was unmatched.  they loved… for the first time.  they really loved.  they really worked well together no matter what obstacle came their way… staying together was the only option.  they did.  because they loved.  they needed each other.  they had to be.  they started out small and grew to something big.  maybe there wasn’t a white horse and a knight in shiny armor.  maybe that’s not even what she wanted.  she’s independent.  she has a list.  it’s important.  it’s rigid.  no one will ever meet the requirements.  i know it.  i’ve been told.  it’s too much to ask.  i have to choose my battles what things really matter.  at the end of the day, what do i really want and need?

i need him.  i want him.  i want the fairy tale.  every single piece.  i don’t want to compromise on anything.  nothing.  not a single thing.  everything must be perfect. but that’s not how it works, is it?

he’s great for her.  he does everything for her.  it’s perfect.  he really does.  he works a schedule around her because he needs to.  he cooks for her. because he wants her there.  he is there for her.  he keeps her centered. 

he’s attractive to her.  the most attractive guy she’s ever seen.  in every way, he loves his mom.  he cares about his dad and his family.  he wants and needs her in his life on the daily. 

how can she really turn this down.  she can’t. she won’t.  she’ll stay… because she has to.  because she loves him, including his faults.  there’s a few not many.  in the entire story, there aren’t that many bumps.  she loves him.  deeper than she ever imagined. 

she hopes for the fairy tale ending that she’s always dreamed of… maybe it’s not perfect. but it’s her version of perfect.  it works.  it’s great.  it’s intoxicating.

if i had a love story… i think it’d start similar to this.


my steps to independence and freedom… okay that’s a lot to swallow… probably more like… where do i go from here?

February 13, 2013 Leave a comment

i was thinking… if i’m going to embark on this new journey called life without children at home… then maybe i should put some goals on a list… or maybe, maybe i should at least have some sort of direction…

here goes…

step 1 – move to Parkville to be closer to Atchison and back into my old rental at 6th & Main that i love… for me.
step 2 – plant a garden, vegetable & flowers
step 3 – become somewhat handy… nearly impossible!
step 4 – clear up debt issues; fresh start
amex/shawn/student loans/bankruptcy

things to accomplish…
– debt-free aside from car
– involved in my community
– volunteering regularly with organizations that i’m passionate about
– quality time with joshua
– church on the regular
– spending quality time with friends

career change? maybe… let’s just keep these bumping around like they have been… who knows where this nearly-empty-nester will end up. the avg person changes careers 3 times in their life… and i’ve been doing accounting for 15+ yrs… maybe one day… i won’t.
1. flight attendant
2. wedding planner
3. cafe business owner

a little exciting… a little scary… definitely completely new to me. who decides what i do on the daily? me… just me, that’s who. :/

empty-nester day #1 (more like the week in review)

February 6, 2013 Leave a comment

so, yesterday was a big day… i’m the girl in the empty house.  i’m not thrilled about it.  it’s not exactly where i want to be.  i’m not sure exactly how to handle all of this.

here’s what happened… this weekend, i finally decided yes, it’s time to get joshua to the boarding/college prep school.  he’s definitely not going to get what he needs from me.  it’s depressing.  i feel like a failure.  how can i, me??? not be the best thing for my son right now?  i’m just not reaching him.  it’s out of my control.  it’s joshua.  he’s just not listening.  he’s a good kid.  he just doesn’t get it.  no matter what anyone says… he isn’t going to do the right thing under my supervision.  period.  it’s not going to happen.  i’ve tried everything.  so, on the brink of losing my job, i’m relinquishing all control to a school.  this is scary.  i hope it works.  i hope that i look back on this experience and think… yes!  he did it.  i knew he could.  he just needed another avenue.  another step that i wasn’t able to provide.  structure with close supervision. 

where does this leave me? alone. sad. feeling unfit. i’ll rise above this.  i know i will.  for now, i’ll just be as positive as i can be.  i’ll workout to exhaust myself so that at the end of the day, i actually want to sleep… and maybe i’ll even be sort of ‘in shape’.  i’ll spend time with tori while she’s under my roof again.  i’ll take runs with lily in the evening.  i guess i’ll take roxy too.  i’ll fill up the weekdays with working out, cooking, and family until the weekend.  then i’ll visit. i’ll visit my lil boo.  whom i miss so very much.  who really isn’t so little anymore.  i’m excited to see him blossom into a man and hopefully my gentleman training will have helped a little. 

i will grow a garden. that will be my project… a beautiful flower garden and vegetable garden that i’ve always wanted.

i will travel to see my family who will hold me together while i am broken.  travel to all of our spots, chicago, LA, little rock, etc. i’ll be visiting the people who care about me unconditionally.  i’ll be putting my mind at ease and piecing together the brokenness that i feel from an empty home. i wonder if there is anyone that is going through the same thing as me. is there one single person whose gone down this path.  i wish i could see into the future.  see myself put back together.  see a me that i’m proud of.  see my son grown and successful in whatever that may look like for him.

maybe i’ll foster parent or at least look into it.  i want to have children around me.  a friend suggested PTA but i don’t know if that’s what i’m looking for.  maybe in Aug, i’ll volunteer at CASA again.  maybe i’ll volunteer at Big Brother/Big Sister. 

i’m sure that i’ll get more comfortable with this whole situation soon… hopefully.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,
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