Home > my life > empty-nester day #1 (more like the week in review)

empty-nester day #1 (more like the week in review)

so, yesterday was a big day… i’m the girl in the empty house.  i’m not thrilled about it.  it’s not exactly where i want to be.  i’m not sure exactly how to handle all of this.

here’s what happened… this weekend, i finally decided yes, it’s time to get joshua to the boarding/college prep school.  he’s definitely not going to get what he needs from me.  it’s depressing.  i feel like a failure.  how can i, me??? not be the best thing for my son right now?  i’m just not reaching him.  it’s out of my control.  it’s joshua.  he’s just not listening.  he’s a good kid.  he just doesn’t get it.  no matter what anyone says… he isn’t going to do the right thing under my supervision.  period.  it’s not going to happen.  i’ve tried everything.  so, on the brink of losing my job, i’m relinquishing all control to a school.  this is scary.  i hope it works.  i hope that i look back on this experience and think… yes!  he did it.  i knew he could.  he just needed another avenue.  another step that i wasn’t able to provide.  structure with close supervision. 

where does this leave me? alone. sad. feeling unfit. i’ll rise above this.  i know i will.  for now, i’ll just be as positive as i can be.  i’ll workout to exhaust myself so that at the end of the day, i actually want to sleep… and maybe i’ll even be sort of ‘in shape’.  i’ll spend time with tori while she’s under my roof again.  i’ll take runs with lily in the evening.  i guess i’ll take roxy too.  i’ll fill up the weekdays with working out, cooking, and family until the weekend.  then i’ll visit. i’ll visit my lil boo.  whom i miss so very much.  who really isn’t so little anymore.  i’m excited to see him blossom into a man and hopefully my gentleman training will have helped a little. 

i will grow a garden. that will be my project… a beautiful flower garden and vegetable garden that i’ve always wanted.

i will travel to see my family who will hold me together while i am broken.  travel to all of our spots, chicago, LA, little rock, etc. i’ll be visiting the people who care about me unconditionally.  i’ll be putting my mind at ease and piecing together the brokenness that i feel from an empty home. i wonder if there is anyone that is going through the same thing as me. is there one single person whose gone down this path.  i wish i could see into the future.  see myself put back together.  see a me that i’m proud of.  see my son grown and successful in whatever that may look like for him.

maybe i’ll foster parent or at least look into it.  i want to have children around me.  a friend suggested PTA but i don’t know if that’s what i’m looking for.  maybe in Aug, i’ll volunteer at CASA again.  maybe i’ll volunteer at Big Brother/Big Sister. 

i’m sure that i’ll get more comfortable with this whole situation soon… hopefully.

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