Archive for August, 2014

I’ve settled. I didn’t think I would….

August 13, 2014 Leave a comment

Today, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror at the office… I realized that I’ve settled. I’ve settled into my new life. I’m content doing things on my own. Exploring on my own. Planning a future of my own. I didn’t want to. I wanted a partner. A lover. Someone committed to me so that I could stop looking. Instead today I stand looking at myself, feeling attractive, as I pick my face. ;) feeling secure, feeling happy in my current life position.

In constantly seeking to complete my family, I felt so pressured, unsuccessful and heartbroken that I couldn’t provide the family life for my children that I felt they deserved.

I did better than that. I showed them how to make it. What it takes. On their own. Maybe they won’t realize it now but they have a model right in front of them on how to make sure that no matter what, family is first. Always be kind. Try to help others. Devote time. Live small.

Life is hard. But right now it’s easier for me. And for this little ease of tension, I am… so grateful.

I had a coffee date today. He canceled at the last minute. I was okay with that. In reality, I don’t even know what I’m expecting out of dating. I want a best friend. A running buddy. A travel partner. A life connection.

I don’t know if I can’t stop my life enough right now to even get to know someone. Or if I want to. I’m busy. I don’t want to stop. I want to work. I want to run my business. I want to travel. I want to make all of the decisions. Completely inconsiderate anyone else’s needs other than my children who are not currently living with me. I started parenting at 17. I do feel a little entitled to this space. At first, I was heartbroken, lost, upset…. But I’m okay now. I’m in a very good spot. I’m settling in quite nicely to the middle-aged single girl life.

Categories: my life
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