Archive for October, 2015

Fine. Her. 

October 24, 2015 Leave a comment

It’s been nearly 10 years. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m actually mad about it this year.  I’m mad as is possible for the aftermath of a cancer victim. Cancer didn’t kill my mom. I tell everyone that but that’s not exactly what happened.  This was treatable. It didn’t have to end this way. 

The sacrifice:

  • The immeasurable damage to my family unit
  • The damaged relationship with my brother. 
  • The missed moments. 
  • The loss of my best friend. 

So much that I couldn’t even begin to describe. I wish I could put into words simply what has actually happened. Why I’m so upset or mad. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I’m working through it. 

But it’s the grandma moments. And how my son doesn’t even really remember her. 

I get it. She’s gone. She let symptoms go on for over two years from cervical cancer. She didn’t have to. When she was finally ready to do something about it. It was too late. It broke my heart. I took care of her in her last months. Me and my grandma. We watched her body deteriorate. We watched her under so much morphine, she wasn’t even herself. We watched her slip off to heaven. Just us. 

It was by far the worst thing I ever had to go through but I’m past it. When my daughter and I drove past her old house today, it wasn’t the same. We weren’t sad. We didn’t stop. We stopped to feed the baby and cuddle her in the parking lot outside of town. 

It was a great day.  I’m fine. I miss her. 

Categories: my life
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