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momma 5/19/2009
sometimes, i think, gosh i wish you were here… it was mother’s day and you weren’t even here… i love you and i miss you so much… things are so good for me right now and i know you would love things that are happening in my life that i so much wish you could be a part of…
you would love him momma, i know you would… his family is wonderful and uplifting and helpful! you would love my church, they are people just like you, funny, sweet, accepting, giving, you would love it… i’ve been missing lately and i know it bothers them but they don’t trouble me with it… hopefully they trust in me to know i’m just going through some changes… things will settle down… i still believe… my relationship with God hasn’t changed….
so many times lately i think, gosh you would love it… you would love my big tub in this huge house that you didn’t get to see… we take bubble baths daily… you would love my crazy puppy dog that no matter what loves me… i have dog hair everywhere… i completely understand now… it’s not so gross now that i have my puppy… i see
i truly hope and pray that somehow, someway, i will carry on your traditions no matter how busy i get… i will remember what i find the most important… family… i’ve been going through these boxes (something i have not been able to do since i took care of you) and it’s not so bad… i don’t cry anymore momma…. not like before… it’s almost been three years and i’m finally okay with things… still can’t sleep though… i don’t think that will ever change… i think it was our late night talks… i keep em up with Tori… i’m sure her school appreciates that… :)
we’ve been keeping in touch with Grams… she’s coming out here soon to visit…. i can’t WAIT! we’re going to take her to the animal farm and the rose garden and all the places we used to go… i miss you all the time…
i know you won’t see this but i had to write to tell you how very much i miss my best friend… how very much i want to share these things i’m going through with you… i wish every day that you had come and lived with me… but i thank God for your ‘great escape’… it couldn’t have happened more perfectly…
am i really this lucky?? luck has nothing to do with it! :) 05/19/2009
he is the light at the end of my day…
the last man i’ll ever kiss…
he is the sweetest person in the world…
the last man i’ll ever miss…
he is always honest, he could never lie…
he cares for me unconditionally…
he is exactly where i need to be and want….
i love him, differently than ever before…
i don’t dream that we might stay together forever….
i know it… since day one, i’ve never doubted…
i can’t believe that i’m so lucky to have him in my life…
i woke up this morning thinking…. gosh i’m really doing what i said i’d never do… i said ‘i will never move for a guy’ and here i am thinking… without a shred of indecision, this is exactly what i need to do…. i want to be closer…. i want us to take our time, do things with perfect timing… this year, is my year…
tori and josh are accepting of a move that i never thought they would be… i found a home for my puppy…. i got out of my difficult lease…. i’ve actually sorted through some of my boxes (a HUGE feat for me)… i’ve started my own business and am able to keep us afloat amazingly enough… i’ve met some wonderful ladies in some of my networking groups that truly care about me!
maybe having a family isn’t necessarily what i always thought it was… maybe it’s not repairing the broken but adjusting with life and accepting the new… maybe that’s what has been holding me back all along…. i am definitely excited and infatuated with my new life!!! God has been so good to me this year!!!
all about him 11/1/2007
I want warm, comforting hugs… I want someone that listens without judgment… I want soft, gentle kisses… I want hand holding endless… I want the silent communication that lets me know I am the only one…
I’ve had it…
I need a man that offers stability… stability in knowing that although no one can predict what the future holds, that he commits to this for the now… he commits to standing beside me and with me until further notice… and when things aren’t working… he admits it… admits it before further action is taken… he lets me go when he should… instead of betraying my trust or leading me on… he tells me… he doesn’t play with my heart because he realizes that he’s only hurting himself… damaging his own opportunity at something amazing…
This man has character… he’s sure in his beliefs… he doesn’t know everything… but what he does know, he stands for… with his everything… he makes good choices… he puts others first… family is his number one priority… he is Christian…
Someone who doesn’t criticize but gives advice when asked… supports my dreams… and helps me to reach my goals… this man is graceful at nice dinners… respectful around my important family members… a leader for my son to look up to… rather than take-charge, he looks out… looks out when for good… he’s good to my children regardless… of anything… regardless of what resentment they may have towards him… he realizes they are just children… children that have had things tough… children that have had a single mom for quite sometime and are very comfortable with that…
He enjoys taking trips… and taking chances… he’s driven and a gentleman… he speaks with conviction behind his words… he’s honest… honest beyond the typical… he tells all… he wants me to know him best… he’s not overly trusting… he shouldn’t be…
I can trust him… I can trust him fully with my all… I can be assured that when I need him… when I truly need him there… he will be… when I’m struggling with just the normal… and it’s more than obvious that I’m suffering… he will know… he will understand… and he will act on that by making sure I find comfort… if not comfort in him… around him… he will know that sometimes… he can’t do anything… but just be there… just hold me… and let me know…
Sometimes… I wish, hope and dream that all these things are asking a lot… and that’s why… I’m sure it will take some time for me to really know him… and maybe me knowing all this… isn’t at an easy price… and maybe when I meet him… I will know right away that all these qualities were what I wanted long ago… and we will both be in the right place…
some things about my mother.. i miss her dearly 10/25/2007
my mother is missed she is beautiful she was alive and happy (prior to all of this) she was vibrant she was a people pleaser (not always a good thing :) ) she was always a good listening ear (which i miss tremendously) she was good with my wild ones and they adored her she was family that i built traditions with… that will never fade she was my best friend that i talked to daily… she knew everything… and although we fought without reason, she understood me she had a passion to make the best of the situation without fail she had a light in her heart that could be seen for miles she was the one who made me into the road trip person i am today she helped me to recognize the beauty of this world she helped me to understand exactly what it means to be christian daily, even when not everyone accepts you she helped me to find a way to communicate with my brothers even when we have gone through some fallouts she helped me to see that (although i know she didn’t want it) being with someone you love is one thing, but ensuring that this person will take care of you when your ill without question is far more important she will always be remembered in a way that is both sad for the loss and relieved that she got out of the difficult situation that she never would’ve otherwise… she escaped the relationship that destroyed her who she was… 12:03 AM
closing a chapter 10/17/2007
sometimes when you close a chapter in your life… it’s a good thing…
you can finally move forward… less pressure, less questioning your decisions… i finally realized today… that i made a good choice. i made the best choice i could’ve and i wouldn’t have let him go any other way…
i met him four years ago… or more… well a lot more… best friends for a while, when we had an oppty for a romantic relationship… he bailed… for no reason.. twice… he wanted to be single for a while… i had had enough… i started something new… he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me… i told him i was going to keep my new thing going… i wasn’t willing to risk a maybe for someone who found it easy to leave…
i always wondered ‘did i make the right choice? what if things would’ve been perfect? what if this something new doesn’t work out?’. today, i realized i would’ve never fully shut the door had life not offered something different… things are right where they should be… even if my ‘something new’ isn’t perfect…
what i like about you… simply put… everything… 6/17/2007
it’s the way you hold my hand… it’s the way you kiss my forhead… it’s the way you mold my children to think differently… it’s the way you wipe my tears on my bad day… the way you let me make my choices that i need to… even if it’s not really what you may think best… it’s the way you take care of me with less emphasis on the sexual… it’s the way you include me in your life in all ways, although it’s not easy…
i like that you make me laugh, that i feel really good when i’m around you, the way you look when your smiling, the day that you said.. ‘this is a smile that’s fulfilled, happy,’ etc., that although i ask you why you like me (only becuz you put me on the spot) you don’t even have to answer… i already know…, the feeling i get when we sleep together nightly, the fact that although my cats make you sick… you still realize how important they are to me… and are good to them for me
i like everything about you…
so they say happiness is a state of mind… 4/29/2007
probably true… happiness is all my choice… i can get upset about things that other people do or just take the good for what it is… i can look at all the times that this person let me down and focus on that; tear each action apart; stress about it… or take the good things in… focus on those, make choices for myself, enjoy the things i like to do and fill my life with that… i think i’ll do that latter… no, things aren’t perfect… they aren’t always perfect but my life is fulfilling nine tenths of the time. i’m mostly happy… i dont like to be disappointed… i mean i hate it… i hate including someone who doesn’t want to be… and i dont realize it til the event is here… i hate that… i want to eliminate the negative in my life… life is too short… i want to do what i want… have the things i need… and relax more, stress less…
then, i can be happy… maybe happiness is a state of mind… i am mostly happy
finally, here is where i’m going… 3/29/2007
What if you met someone completely worth it? Completely perfect? But you have all these hang-ups or things you need to work on about yourself… things you know you need to focus on… and you really want to… but when you’re in the moment that the stuff is happening… you do nothing… you don’t pay attn… you don’t make good choices… you enjoy the moments for what they are but are too afraid to add anything to them…
After the fact, you know… you know you could’ve done this… or you should’ve done that… things would be perfect if you’d have paid attn more, tried to put forth effort, concentrated on the now… instead you do nothing…
Now you’re insecure… insecure because you haven’t done your best and you know it… regretful because you probably could’ve changed things if you’d been more considerate… eager to move things further than they are ready to go because you knew the right things to do, thought about it, hesitated and lost an opportunity…
All the past experiences you’ve gone through, have changed the you that you used to be… you used to not get worried or stressed without talking for a day or so, you used to be more excited to find out new things then ponder ‘when is this going to end, I’m sure it won’t last’… scared to figure out too much, scared to include him too much, scared….
I admit it, I’m awful at getting to know someone, I’m not an easy person to figure out, you can’t touch me too much, I pull away not even for a reason, just because, I think I was born that way, I think my family raised three kids who can’t feel, who can’t hug without feeling weird, who can’t just have normal emotions, it takes really concentration and work to really just do normal stuff…
Sometimes, I wish I could… I wish I could accept the now… I’m working on it… I’m enjoying it… I really am… I’m sure if I added just a little bit of extra effort, things would be just so…
Looking forward to the future… shutting out the past… dreaming far beyond that…
on the up and up… 2/24/2007
finally, things are sorted out… the kids are in soccer… i have a fantastic job that i love and it’s right where i want to be… doing exactly what i love… am in my own house that i’ll have forever… not crying over my losses this past yr… things are settling down…
finally, life is going the way i had never planned but better… i guess i just had to be more patient…
finally, i’m taking time to enjoy things i love, i’ve put my friendships back together that i needed…. things are just better…
like my brother said… i’m much more fun to talk to when i’m smiling…. i know… and wow, it was sure tough getting here… but i’m here…
:) me happy again… thank god…
this is a new yr… just me venting… 1/10/2007
that’s it… i’ve cried my last cry… no longer will i spend my lunch crying over stress… i’m not going to get upset when i hear ‘how to save a life’ by the fray, i’m not going to cry because i get my paycheck and it’s gone 10 mins later and i’m still behind, i’m not going to cry when i get my paycheck and pray that i can cash it and withdraw all that’s in my account to pay for Nov 06 bills in Jan 07, i’m not going to leave the bank shaking because i was terrified they wouldn’t cash it because i took all my money out but semi-relieved they finally did, i’m not going to spend my freaking lunches running all the way to belton to cash my check and then to the place to western union it because the bill is so past due, then try to figure out how i’m going to eat, i’m not going to freak out thinking ‘how the hell am i going to do it’, i’m not going to wish for things i don’t have…
i’m going to make it thru.. i know it… i’m going to keep on going because i know eventually the bills will be caught up, i will be able to concentrate on me, i will be more focused on Tori & Josh, i will be able to date without worrying about spending money on dating, i will buy clothes to get us up to speed with our needs, i will be able to utilize my stupid discount at DSW and take my availability down to the two days i should be working rather than the 24 hrs i’m putting in there along with my day job (40 hrs), i will be able to take the tax classes that i need in order to meet my professional goals, i will listen when my brother tells me my children need to be in extracurricular activities because finally i will be able to afford them and have time to get them there, i will finally stop hearing people criticize my wardrobe or shoe choice because the reason i wear what i do right now is simply it’s all i own (no, my heels are not comfortable after wearing them from 5:30 am to 10:00 pm, no one would be), i will do a good job at my day job and will not be so distracted, tired, irritable, unreliable, etc, i would buy the things i need to make my new house a home (we relocated from Orl without 75% of our stuff, so no i don’t have the stuff i need but i’m fully aware of what i need)…
this yr is going to be a better yr, i’m going to start fresh, i’m going to pull things up where they need to be, i’m going to be the mom i used to be… fun, energetic, always going somewhere exciting, i’m going to be a person of my word, i’m going to take the trips i’ve been talking about, i’m going to spend time the way i want to, i’m not going to worry about meeting mr right, i’m going to make the most of what i have at the time i have it, i’m going to make goals and devise a realistic plan to get there, i’m going to slow down, be more considerate, and listen… i’m really going to become a good listener, and stop interrupting (a very big feat for me), things will get better… this is a new yr… it has to get better from here…
Tashina Cross 
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