Almost. 

September 28, 2015 Leave a comment

Almost…

A grandma 

A true empty nester 

Mom of a college student

Mom of a mom 

A sort of gf

A festival goer

A leader 

A traveler

A student loan payer 

Free of a car payment

I’m more then that really. I’m feeling almost whole. I’m a best friend. I’m a girlfriend. I’m a mom (my best job). I’m a controller at work. I’m good-hearted. I’m free in my decision making. I do what I want. I’m trying to put myself first but it is hard these days. 

I just spent another 5 days on me. I left Joshua at home. I left Victoria behind nearly due. It was fine. Joshua had to work. Tori has a family. But ugh the mom heart is not very forgiving. It doesn’t care about your reasons. Even when you’re doing it right, it manages to make you question yourself time & time again. It’s so hard. It’s the worst. But it’s absolutely what I should be doing. It’s time. 

I had fun. I love my friends. I love the music I heard. I enjoyed all of it. I stayed up late. I did a stupid beer bong for the first time. I failed at floppy cup. Miserably… Ha. I ignored work. I didn’t have service. I kept tabs on my babies as often as possible. It was great!  I feel renewed. 

I’m ready for grandbaby. Ready for work. Ready to continue to lead Joshua. 

Categories: my life

Days like this. That turn into years. 

Sometimes people just end up sad. Who knows why. They’re short on money. They miss their family. They miss a love in their life. 

Even when things are great, they aren’t fulfilling enough. The days run on… Even though they’re busy. 

Sometimes I sleep to much. Lay in bed too much. Sulk a little too much. For no real reason at all. 

Then he’s home. And I realize I should go back to making breakfast. To picking up after him. To walks in the park. To drives. To concerts. To events. To quality shared with my little handsome gentleman. 

It took a couple of weeks to even see what I needed to do. To get back into being the only thing I love. I don’t even want to do anything else. But I did. Because I had to. I love him home with me. Even if it’s close to the end of that chapter. I want every minute to be guiding, loving, caring, leading, Christian, etc. Everything important to me and my family. 

And just like I hoped. I’ve sacrificed my time with him. And I did lose a little bit of our connection in the process but I am so proud of him and I cannot dispute the absolute positive impact boarding school made on my son. It was everything good that I read from mom reviews.  It’s his senior year that we’re embarking on. His last year of high school.  And I am proud. I’m proud that he’s respectful to adults. He’s a hard worker at his part-time job.  He puts family first as I’ve taught him.  He is interested and stays current on politics. He wants to make change. He’s open to new ideas for career options but focused on his goals and how to get there. 

I’m happy and sad. I’m discouraged and feel misguided. I’m lonely and unfulfilled. 

I’m in a transitional phase. And I’m honestly unsure when I’ll be okay. When I’ll feel like… Ok, this is my place. This is exactly what I should be doing. Maybe never. I think at 39 I’ve reached the place I used to get annoyed about. The stupid what am I doing here phase. Oh geez!  The what is my purpose phase. 

Is my life going to really be… Work late.  Bath. Dinner.  Me & Lil snuggle to TV. 

Time to stop sulking and get back to doing things that keep us connected. 

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

I’ve settled. I didn’t think I would….

August 13, 2014 Leave a comment

Today, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror at the office… I realized that I’ve settled. I’ve settled into my new life. I’m content doing things on my own. Exploring on my own. Planning a future of my own. I didn’t want to. I wanted a partner. A lover. Someone committed to me so that I could stop looking. Instead today I stand looking at myself, feeling attractive, as I pick my face. ;) feeling secure, feeling happy in my current life position.

In constantly seeking to complete my family, I felt so pressured, unsuccessful and heartbroken that I couldn’t provide the family life for my children that I felt they deserved.

I did better than that. I showed them how to make it. What it takes. On their own. Maybe they won’t realize it now but they have a model right in front of them on how to make sure that no matter what, family is first. Always be kind. Try to help others. Devote time. Live small.

Life is hard. But right now it’s easier for me. And for this little ease of tension, I am… so grateful.

I had a coffee date today. He canceled at the last minute. I was okay with that. In reality, I don’t even know what I’m expecting out of dating. I want a best friend. A running buddy. A travel partner. A life connection.

I don’t know if I can’t stop my life enough right now to even get to know someone. Or if I want to. I’m busy. I don’t want to stop. I want to work. I want to run my business. I want to travel. I want to make all of the decisions. Completely inconsiderate anyone else’s needs other than my children who are not currently living with me. I started parenting at 17. I do feel a little entitled to this space. At first, I was heartbroken, lost, upset…. But I’m okay now. I’m in a very good spot. I’m settling in quite nicely to the middle-aged single girl life.

Categories: my life

Opportunity knocks. I’m prepared.

When preparation meets opportunity. What would you do?
Accept the challenge. Consult with family. Make the decision.
It’s not easy. It won’t be the instant fix that I was hoping for. But is it the best thing for my family? Absolutely.
The worst part: I love my job right now. I love my rental option. It’s perfect. I love the growth my biz has seen. And aside from silly dating life. Things are sooo good. I love my girlfriends. They are so good to me. I love my bro and his family and we’re back on track. It’s so great.
But in the end. What’s the biggest hardship in my life. What’s my driver for success? Stupid money. It’s just a fact. I need to eliminate all expenses possible to afford this setup. My son’s school is expensive. It is. And it’s good for him. And he loves it. And he’s doing better. I couldn’t do it alone. I tried. It’s better for him. I wish it wasn’t. But the fact remains. It was and it is.
And I want to clear up my debt. I want start beating down my student loan debt. But not just work at it. Pay it off. I want/need to be debt-free. I want 10k in the bank.
I have financial goals that I just can’t meet at this time. Not this way. Sure I could keep going at it, bit by bit with my annual 3-5% cost of living raises.
But will that really get me to where we need to be before Josh graduates? No. It won’t.
But this will. It’s exciting, scary, etc. :)

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

i’m enough…. i’m not the best but i’m enough.

recently i answered a question to perspective bf type… and i thought i’d share my complete thought here.

‘never was anything great achieved without danger’ Niccolo Machiavelli

but really when you meet me in person, i said.  you have no chance.  i’m awesome.  and i know it. 

that was my text string to this potential mr wonderful. and i mean it, i mean every last word.  i’m not a 10 in looks.  i’m not rich.  i’m not perfect.  i don’t have everything together.  but here’s what i do have to offer.

  • i’m the sweetest girl you’ll ever meet
  • i give every single thing i’ve got. i’m all in.
  • i’m loyal.
  • i encourage.  i support.
  • i am sexy… and i know it. ;)
  • i am christian, every single day.
  • i am busy but i make time for those who make time for me.
  • i am family-oriented but i can get down if the need arises. i can fit in most anywhere.
  • i’m a talker… sometimes too much.

 

believe me, i have my faults.  a lot of them really.  but right here right now… i love me. 

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

he said it… let’s start over. i want us to be close. truce.

February 11, 2014 Leave a comment

truce
tro͞os/noun
noun: truce; plural noun: truces

1. an agreement between enemies or opponents to stop fighting or arguing for a certain time.

that’s the thing… you can’t just call a truce… that’s not how it works. you have to agree with the other person that this is what you both want. i don’t want anything with you. nothing. not a new beginning… not a fresh start. i want nothing… honestly, i’d be happy if we just never were… but we have a small tie. the stupid phone bill. that’s it. i’m on your phone plan. i could change it, but i won’t. not right now.

i don’t care about your ‘friends’ who had sex with your brother. you’re an idiot. you took the best thing that ever happened to you and traded it in for that. for the freedom to keep toxic people in your life. good for you. that’s what you want… great. i want something more. i’ve shed you from my life. i don’t need anything from you. nothing.

i don’t even want you. i want nothing to do with you. don’t you get it?

i’m not even upset about it anymore. frankly, i just don’t fucking care. at all. i’m not interested. i’d rather build my business. grow my relationship with josh & tori. i’d rather reorganize and address issues in my life that are holding me back from the good stuff. i don’t need you getting defensive on me and acting like i give a shit about what you do… my life/purpose is bigger than that. i don’t spend a single second thinking about your happenings. i don’t care. i’m done with all of that. at one point, i cared… hello, we were dating… idiot. of course, i cared. but you smashed every remaining good feeling attached to your face. you’ll be lucky to ever even see me again.

there’s no chance that i’ll ever put myself in your path again. i can’t trust you. you’re a liar and a cheat. i don’t need/want that in my life.

Categories: my life

Him. Perfection.

January 28, 2014 Leave a comment

I’ve met him. He’s the man I’ve always wanted. He doesn’t know it. He’s not what I pictured. It’s weird. I’ve never met him. Not in person. But from the moment I saw him, I deleted all other options.
He plays music. He’s cute. He’s funny. He has a great smile. He’s a father. A real father. Involved. Cautious. Considerate. Giving. A leader.
He’s a standup guy. He’s not interested in short-term rewards. He wants a relationship. He’s ready to settle down. He’s worth it.
He’s artsy and kind of a hippie. I love it. He has a beard. That’s not my typical type. I feel something. Something crazy. Good. Exciting.
I don’t have a chance. I wish I did. My life’s a mess right now. Time to clean it up. Time to get ready for the rewards life has to offer. Be the type of person that I want for myself.
Clean up the mess I’ve created.
I’ve got a lot of greatness headed for me. My business is going great. I love my day job. I’m driven. I’m focused.
I can clean up the financial disaster. I will start today.

Categories: my life
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