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wish i didn’t…

September 17, 2012 1 comment

i wish it was a thought that never crossed my mind.  but it does.  more than i would ever want.  he apologized.   he promised it was over.  i forgave him.  after all, it only amounted to some photo sharing/conversations, or that’s as much as i’ve gathered.

trust is a funny thing.  you start with a clean slate.  you can’t remove the damage.  it’s like each little slip-up is recorded in sharpie. sure, you can scratch it out.  try your damnedest to remove it… but all in all.  it’s there.  it happened.  so each time you come across that corner of the board, you know it.  you feel it. you think it could be returning.  the fact is, i will never know.  never.  i have to sit here and believe, have faith.  that yeah, we laid this issue to rest.  it’s over.  he loves me.  i’m more important than this.  do i believe it.  sure, i do.  i don’t think that it’s his love for me that’s in question. in his mind, i’m 100% confident that i’m who he thinks he’s looking for… but do i think he truly believes that this was a big deal… no, he doesn’t.  he probably thinks i over-reacted since nothing actually happened.  but i know how things work.  i understand that these things don’t start out at full throttle.  they start out small.  then, before you know it, these pics and conversations are visits.  it’s never enough.  it’s more exciting each time.  with each little conversation, each little memory… you’re building on something, whether you want to or not.  it happens.  girls aren’t emotionless.  this girl cares.  maybe he doesn’t.  she does.  she will.  this will grow past it’s start.

the part that bothers me… is yeah, fuck it, i caught this early.  sure, it’s over.  but when things suck.  when our relationship hits a lull or we don’t see each other as often… what then?  i will worry.  i won’t want to but i will.  i’ll care, i’ll exaggerate things.  i will.  i’ll be upset.  i’ll be irrational.  i’ll cry about it.  i’ll worry.  me, this girl.  i’ll be sad about it.  i won’t say anything but i won’t be okay with it.

and, you know, there probably won’t be anything going on… i never imagined it before… but now i’ve seen pics… i’ve seen conversations.  i’ve seen plans for trips.  i’ve seen it!  i can’t take that back.  i can’t.  it’s stuck in my mind as a gentle reminder that faithful to me is very different from your version.  how could you.  you ruined this.  i loved you.

i’m trying to forgive and move forward. i’m trying to pretend i’m happy.  i’m trying to forget this ever happened.  with this sickness in my tummy on the daily… and this lump in my throat… these tears in my mind.  one day i won’t.

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