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him…

every time he says it, i get a little down.  what would i do?  how can i commit to someone who hasn’t committed fully to the same state.  i’m scared.  i’m sick about it.  i want to pull away.  i don’t want to end up in another situation that i thought was perfect… then…. like a slap in the face, it was complete bullshit.  every single waking moment.  he didn’t want me.  he didn’t want my family.  he wanted a fucking girlfriend.  someone that he could see on his terms.  i was a perfect target until something better came along. 

i’m not saying he set out to do that… but that’s what happened.  he actually said to me three short years ago.  after meeting his entire family at a family reunion. introduced by his mom as his fiance.  he said to me, a month or so after we moved closer.  well, i just don’t think this is how i want my life to be.  you’re a mess.  you have this business.  you are scatterbrained and don’t have your shit together.  you’re life is chaotic.  that’s when i ended it.  i had to.  it was already over.  what a waste… i drug my kids through that.  what a letdown. someone who just didn’t support me.  he wasn’t a christian.  he said he was… but after all this time, the truth came out.  he wasn’t.  he said. i hate when you invite me to your church.  i think it’s ridiculous that you believe.  it’s funny.  how stupid!

how could i have overlooked that HUGE dealbreaker.  stupid love.  that’s how.  i fell in love with him.   head over heels.  i never felt it that strongly before him…. and never have i felt the same after…

until now. here i am.  jaded, scorned, not really ready to be completely sure that i can say… oh fine, i believe.  yes, i can love.  i can be in love.  sure, i might actually find true love.  instead, i’m here.  in an excellent relationship.  perfect really, with a great boyfriend… i panick.  i worry.  what if he moves out of this shithole town which i’ve committed to for the next 5 yrs of my life.  what if he doesn’t want to be a ‘dad’ type or a leader for my son.  what if i want a family man… and he’s not.  what if… what if, i love him and i don’t see the truth like i did with matt.  what if???  can i handle it?  can josh handle it?  is it the right thing for me?  so i worry, i talk about it.  i don’t mention it.  i wait.  i hope. i think… it’ll be fine.  give it some time.  nobody’s perfect.  maybe things will come around to put my mind at ease.  he’s good to me, he’s good for me.  i know i’m worth it.  i know it’ll work out.  i’ll wait because i have to.  there is zero chance that i could shut him out.  he’s too perfect for me.  i just hope it’s really the good stuff.  i can’t handle another taste of defeat.

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