Posts Tagged ‘dad’

bitter… yeah, you bet i am. dad? what the fuck does that mean.

September 12, 2012 Leave a comment

i deal with the missing homework. i leave work early to pick him up after school when he needs to stay after… hoping and praying that although my irresponsible son did this to me again this week…  i hope that i have a job to go back to.  i deal with the raising him part.  i deal with making sure he’s respectful to others and does his chores.  i make sure that he gets the childrearing he needs. i don’t just play with him and make sure i’m the coolest dad in the world.  i fucking teach him.  i lead him.  i direct his every move.  what do you do????  what do you really do?  how are you impacting this young man to make sure that when it’s his turn to lead, he does it.  taking full responsibility.  how do you actually mold him?

you know, it’s easy for you.  you have him every other weekend or only when you want him.  you go out to dinner with him.  you play video games with him.  maybe watch some games while he’s at your house.  feed yourself and him breakfast.  do you talk to his teachers and couselor to make sure that he’s on track?  do you deal with these anger episodes and try to ensure that he has a way to deal with him on his own so that as he grows he knows more self control.

do you even fucking think about it?  no, you don’t.  you don’t give a shit about that.  if i threaten josh to call you because you’re his dad and it worries josh… he knows i can’t do it.  i can’t call you because instead of dealing with a problem with your son like a reasonable adult, you blame me or his sister.  you attack us.  the ones who are leading this family.  who take full charge while you kick back and take the good.

well, guess what?  those days are numbered for you. do i feel bad that i’m finally going to get some of my independence back. hell no, i don’t.  and i don’t care how getting the child support that is/has been your financial responsiblity affects your life.  ‘i won’t be able to afford to live’.  what the fuck do you think i’ve been doing?  how do i make things work?  what do you think that i do?

he says to me, mom, why do you get so angry at me all of the time. every single thing that i do wrong… what this poor little cutie doesn’t realize… this is supposed to be two people.  two people make a set of parents.  not one.  dad is more than i have him every other weekend.  it’s getting involved.  getting him involved.  keeping him active.  keeping him focused.  keeping him on track to becoming a man.  i don’t know the first thing about it.  it’s teaching him that there’s a time and a place to just man-up.  no excuses.

i’m frustrated, bitter, irritated, unsure of how to do, how to make sure that i’m doing the right things for my son.  i’ll do my best. like always.  but this has never been easy.

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

disappoinment… but this is my life… and i’m where i need to be.

August 16, 2012 Leave a comment

i hear the disappointment in his voice… not over what i’ve said… but stuff i haven’t.  but, in reality, i’m proud of me.  sure, i struggled.  sure, he helped.  he really helped.  he’s done his fair share.  he’s drawn the line in the sand.  i get it.  he feels used.  it’s stupid.  fucking stupid.  hey p.s. i started a business four years ago to be with my family more.  i was missing everything.  i wasn’t able to be a mom that i needed to be.  it didn’t work.  it didn’t work because i spent more time focused on the business than on the only thing that i really give a shit about.  you, of all people, should understand how tough that is.  instead, you bash me.  you ignore me. when i’ve finally reached a good place and set all of that behind me.  you’re my fucking dad.  you’re supposed to suck it up and stick by me.  i’m not a criminal for Christ’s sake.  it’s all related to a lack of funding.  that’s it.  nothing else.  you and grandma saying that stuff, acting like i have an alcohol problem.  what is wrong with you?  if either of you took the time to actually spend time with me, you’d realize how ridiculous that is.

i’m a good person.  i’m happy with the things i’ve done… i feel good about who i am as a person.  but here i am… writing off another unsupportive family member.  it’s okay.  i’ve known it all along.  you’re the one person who always makes me feel like shit.  you always have that ‘i’m right about everything’ tone.  that you really just do it better.  well, look at you, you’re not perfect.  if you’re mom hadn’t saved your ass all of those years, where would u be?  does she do this to you?  no, she doesn’t… i know firsthand.

to those who’ve turned their backs on me:  i’m in a great place now.  i’m right where i need to be.  i can actually afford to collect my life and move forward.  for once, i’m able to do the things that i know make sense.

the life of the single mom, completely on her own is not easy.  sure, he’s paid for shit.  so what.  i mean, really in the whole scheme of things, his one part, while very necessary and i’m truly grateful, was optional.  my piece in this… never has been.  i do this, i live this, i make every decision… i alone live with the consequences.


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