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last night. a reminder… that i need out of this. i want & need it.

i look at my phone after i get home from a busy day of hunting for a tent/cooler for the float trip this weekend… i have a text message from my phone provider, virgin mobile.  it’s after 11pm so i the office is closed… and they’ve shutoff my phone.

normally, not  a big deal, obviously a computer problem on their end…

but instead… i get upset.  sort of a tantrum really.  you know, i’ve been through a lot lately.  i’ve reached a breaking point.  this one stupid little thing could just be it.  the one thing to really throw me over the edge.  look, we already have it bad enough.  i don’t have my own bed.  we don’t have anything we need. this phone was a saving grace for me. honestly, probably shouldn’t have paid the bill.  but i did.  i paid it so that i could have this one thing.  communication.   with the people that matter to me.  the people that just really hold my hand through this whole mess.  honestly, they probably don’t even know who they are… they probably have no idea that they keep me going.

poor Joshua, he doesn’t deserve this.  his mom is a mess, she can’t handle it.  i just don’t know how to keep this going.  i’ll be fine.  we’ll be fine.  but even the smallest thing that rocks my boat… throws me into uncontrollable fits.  i could not stop crying.  i just can’t figure one more thing out. i need my budget to go exactly as planned. not one more bump.  i don’t have any other way.  i need this float trip. i need this road trip out of here.  i can’t handle no phone for this period.  i can’t handle a flat tire… i can’t handle one more thing.  nothing. i need it to just work.  as planned.

maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  my phone plan did end 8/27.  now it’s extended to 9/7 because it was virgin mobile’s mistake.  i really wouldn’t have been able to pay it then anyway.  now it’s closer to my next payday 9/10.

i’m really not trying to be a baby… i’m really trying to keep it together.  i’m so close.  i think i’ll feel rejuvenated after this trip.  i’m sure i’ll be on track emotionally.

prayer: please help me to focus. help me to ward off the little bumps.  i can do this.  i know i can.  i just can’t do it without you.

less than a month… i feel… renewed… rejuvenated

i’m almost there… what will i do with this newfound freedom? work harder, create a new list of personal goals, enjoy things, travel, put family first work second, do what i love every single second.
that’s what i’ll do… sounds crazy that i’ve really spent the past 4 yrs just making it through… just pushing past every paycheck… to the next. deciding… hmmm. what will we not be able to afford with this one. finally free of that stress.
file bankruptcy. that’s #1 on my list. end this. i want a phone number free of collection calls, i want decent credit that i’ve now destroyed.
i don’t regret a single thing… but i won’t mind walking away from all of this. i’m a microsecond away from a heart attack, i’m sure of it.
i want to go to games with my son. i want to enjoy brunch with my family on Sunday mornings. i want coffee in the morning on a patio. i want to run with my puppy free of worry.
these are my dreams. normal, everyday life. that’s what i need. no more pressure. no more stress. a smarter start.

today… an all new outlook. well, maybe it’s the same… just a little more clearly defined.

I took today off of work.  because I needed the day.  I needed to gather my thoughts.  Correct my attitude and face this head on working on my goals. I know I’m a positive person.  I’m strong.  I just need to go back to my start.  When this all began.  Who am I?  What makes me content?  What keeps me moving forward?  I need to stop thinking that I may run my car into a tree… because it’s starting to sound reasonable to me.  It’s causing me to lose my focus and it’s affecting my family.

So, today… I took the day off at work.  I made my son and I pancakes with what we had to cook.  I made coffee.  I sat on the patio.  Then, off to the library.  I need to be inspired. I want to read about others that want to go further.  Do big things.  Or maybe have done them with opposition not far behind them.  I want to read about women who really just did it.  Just really pushed through and got ahead.  I’m not looking to advance at work… I’m just looking to become a leader.  To do something with my life.  Something that I’m proud of.  Keep my family on track.  Be someone active in my community.  I’m working on it.  I know I can do it.  I will. 

So, here we go… wish me luck. 

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