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Days like this. That turn into years. 

Sometimes people just end up sad. Who knows why. They’re short on money. They miss their family. They miss a love in their life. 

Even when things are great, they aren’t fulfilling enough. The days run on… Even though they’re busy. 

Sometimes I sleep to much. Lay in bed too much. Sulk a little too much. For no real reason at all. 

Then he’s home. And I realize I should go back to making breakfast. To picking up after him. To walks in the park. To drives. To concerts. To events. To quality shared with my little handsome gentleman. 

It took a couple of weeks to even see what I needed to do. To get back into being the only thing I love. I don’t even want to do anything else. But I did. Because I had to. I love him home with me. Even if it’s close to the end of that chapter. I want every minute to be guiding, loving, caring, leading, Christian, etc. Everything important to me and my family. 

And just like I hoped. I’ve sacrificed my time with him. And I did lose a little bit of our connection in the process but I am so proud of him and I cannot dispute the absolute positive impact boarding school made on my son. It was everything good that I read from mom reviews.  It’s his senior year that we’re embarking on. His last year of high school.  And I am proud. I’m proud that he’s respectful to adults. He’s a hard worker at his part-time job.  He puts family first as I’ve taught him.  He is interested and stays current on politics. He wants to make change. He’s open to new ideas for career options but focused on his goals and how to get there. 

I’m happy and sad. I’m discouraged and feel misguided. I’m lonely and unfulfilled. 

I’m in a transitional phase. And I’m honestly unsure when I’ll be okay. When I’ll feel like… Ok, this is my place. This is exactly what I should be doing. Maybe never. I think at 39 I’ve reached the place I used to get annoyed about. The stupid what am I doing here phase. Oh geez!  The what is my purpose phase. 

Is my life going to really be… Work late.  Bath. Dinner.  Me & Lil snuggle to TV. 

Time to stop sulking and get back to doing things that keep us connected. 

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

Alone. Lacking direction.

September 7, 2013 Leave a comment

Then there she sits. Alone. The usual. Her new life. It’s not what she wanted. She’s solo. All of the time. No real girlfriends. Nothing. Her two dogs. Her TV. And social media. That’s her ‘adult, kidfree’ life.

Happy? Satisfying? No. Not even a little bit. It’s depressing really. She isn’t taking care of anything. How do people live like this? I’m definitely not meant to be alone this much. It’s not me. I’m better shared. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. Still. Again. I’m lost. I’m alone. I’m pressured financially still. Again. I want to run away. I don’t even know where to. I want to make it better. I’ve given up. How can I fix this? Yeah I know I’m never home. I know I spend too much time with him. It’s horrible. I’m not even really that lonely. I just lack direction, companionship, etc. I just don’t have anyone in my life that’s really available to me. So I kill time with him. My valuable precious time. Today I listened to him talking to others. We don’t even talk. At all. What am I doing? I need so much more than this.
I’m supposed to have moved. But I haven yet. I’m too broke, depressed, worried. I need to. I know it’ll be better than this. This is bad for me. I can’t sit here another weekend. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to.

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,
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