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And here I am lying in his bed.

Lying to myself.
Lying to my best friend.

What was I thinking? I thought I was just helping his brother. No big deal. Today was the worst. I can’t sleep here. I’m sick. There’s a used condom wrapper by the bed. So what do I do? Of course what any other stupid girl does…. I think when was the last time that it could have been me.
Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. Who cares at this point. Right? This is over.
It’s been over. It’s not what I want anymore at all. I’m too good to still be involved. I’m not really. Literally, there’s nothing even happening. Why am I even concerned with all of this? I know because you can’t turn my heart on and off. It just doesn’t work that way.
I put myself in this stupid situation. Because I’m nice. Because I’m caring. Because that’s how I work.
I have closed the door on this. Why do I still feel. Can’t I just move on! No, I won’t allow it. It’s gonna take time. I know it. He’s not even in the same country. I thought I could do this. But here it is… Right in my face. Do people really even love anymore? It’s just a big stupid game that you jack with until it works. I don’t want to play some stupid game. I don’t want to do this, so hopefully you’ll do that. I want shit to just work. Because it’s supposed to. Because it feels good. Because it’s so right that we couldn’t walk away from it. Because it’s worth the fight and struggle. Because it’s true love. Fairy tale type of stuff. The problem? I really don’t believe anymore. Not even a lil bit. I can’t date… Not because of him. Because of me. I finally don’t believe it will ever happen to me. I don’t get it. Am i being the kind of person I want to be with? I’m exactly who I think I should be. Great and worth it. Sure, I’m not perfect. But I’m really happy with me.
I guess I haven’t really given up entirely, I’m just done actively seeking. He will find me when the time is right.

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Categories: my life Tags: , ,
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