Archive

Posts Tagged ‘heartbreak’

The hardest part

It’s when you’re headed on the plane. It was the last conversation you’ll ever have. The last look you missed because you couldn’t. You’re sick. Nauseous really. Completely broken.
Tomorrow will be better but it’s the sudden stop of your busy life. No kids. No work. No bf. Just me facing me. Head on.
It’s scary. How do I do this? Am I strong enough? Can I really be just me?
I guess it’s possible. I guess I’ll be happy. It sounds good. I’ll make new friends. I’ll survive. It’ll be great. I can see that. But right this second, it’s the hardest part.

Advertisements
Categories: my life Tags: , ,

my love story… edited

February 26, 2013 Leave a comment

if i were to write my own love story… how would it start?  would there be two characters to start or would i just be figuring myself out at the same that i’m connecting with another?

who knows what would happen…

i imagine it would go something like this…

she meets him. since the very start it was amazing.  their connection was unmatched.  they loved… for the first time.  they really loved.  they really worked well together no matter what obstacle came their way… staying together was the only option.  they did.  because they loved.  they needed each other.  they had to be.  they started out small and grew to something big.  maybe there wasn’t a white horse and a knight in shiny armor.  maybe that’s not even what she wanted.  she’s independent.  she has a list.  it’s important.  it’s rigid.  no one will ever meet the requirements.  i know it.  i’ve been told.  it’s too much to ask.  i have to choose my battles what things really matter.  at the end of the day, what do i really want and need?

i need him.  i want him.  i want the fairy tale.  every single piece.  i don’t want to compromise on anything.  nothing.  not a single thing.  everything must be perfect. but that’s not how it works, is it?

he’s great for her.  he does everything for her.  it’s perfect.  he really does.  he works a schedule around her because he needs to.  he cooks for her. because he wants her there.  he is there for her.  he keeps her centered. 

he’s attractive to her.  the most attractive guy she’s ever seen.  in every way, he loves his mom.  he cares about his dad and his family.  he wants and needs her in his life on the daily. 

how can she really turn this down.  she can’t. she won’t.  she’ll stay… because she has to.  because she loves him, including his faults.  there’s a few not many.  in the entire story, there aren’t that many bumps.  she loves him.  deeper than she ever imagined. 

she hopes for the fairy tale ending that she’s always dreamed of… maybe it’s not perfect. but it’s her version of perfect.  it works.  it’s great.  it’s intoxicating.

if i had a love story… i think it’d start similar to this.

wish i didn’t…

September 17, 2012 1 comment

i wish it was a thought that never crossed my mind.  but it does.  more than i would ever want.  he apologized.   he promised it was over.  i forgave him.  after all, it only amounted to some photo sharing/conversations, or that’s as much as i’ve gathered.

trust is a funny thing.  you start with a clean slate.  you can’t remove the damage.  it’s like each little slip-up is recorded in sharpie. sure, you can scratch it out.  try your damnedest to remove it… but all in all.  it’s there.  it happened.  so each time you come across that corner of the board, you know it.  you feel it. you think it could be returning.  the fact is, i will never know.  never.  i have to sit here and believe, have faith.  that yeah, we laid this issue to rest.  it’s over.  he loves me.  i’m more important than this.  do i believe it.  sure, i do.  i don’t think that it’s his love for me that’s in question. in his mind, i’m 100% confident that i’m who he thinks he’s looking for… but do i think he truly believes that this was a big deal… no, he doesn’t.  he probably thinks i over-reacted since nothing actually happened.  but i know how things work.  i understand that these things don’t start out at full throttle.  they start out small.  then, before you know it, these pics and conversations are visits.  it’s never enough.  it’s more exciting each time.  with each little conversation, each little memory… you’re building on something, whether you want to or not.  it happens.  girls aren’t emotionless.  this girl cares.  maybe he doesn’t.  she does.  she will.  this will grow past it’s start.

the part that bothers me… is yeah, fuck it, i caught this early.  sure, it’s over.  but when things suck.  when our relationship hits a lull or we don’t see each other as often… what then?  i will worry.  i won’t want to but i will.  i’ll care, i’ll exaggerate things.  i will.  i’ll be upset.  i’ll be irrational.  i’ll cry about it.  i’ll worry.  me, this girl.  i’ll be sad about it.  i won’t say anything but i won’t be okay with it.

and, you know, there probably won’t be anything going on… i never imagined it before… but now i’ve seen pics… i’ve seen conversations.  i’ve seen plans for trips.  i’ve seen it!  i can’t take that back.  i can’t.  it’s stuck in my mind as a gentle reminder that faithful to me is very different from your version.  how could you.  you ruined this.  i loved you.

i’m trying to forgive and move forward. i’m trying to pretend i’m happy.  i’m trying to forget this ever happened.  with this sickness in my tummy on the daily… and this lump in my throat… these tears in my mind.  one day i won’t.

me, again… yes, i can’t hold onto a bf to save my life…

September 4, 2012 Leave a comment

rant after a heartbreak… i need this… i’m hurt, i feel betrayed… and i don’t understand how someone can do this to you while acting like they truly care for you.  while really fitting into your life and making plans with you.  while merging families.

why does this happen to me… i’m done.  i’m done with all the bullshit!  i’m tired of it!  i’m tired of pouring my heart and soul into everything i do… only to be betrayed by the people that i care so dearly about.  why is it so fucking easy for them to do this to me.  i would NEVER do this to anyone.  i don’t fucking deserve it!  what do i do that’s so bad… that’s so awful that i get treated like this.  nothing! not a freaking thing.  i am caring, sweet, loving, outgoing, etc.  i’m not perfect.  sure, i have my fair share of problems… it’s strictly financial problems; embarrassing but i don’t deserve to be disregarded.  i’m a good person.  i do good things.  i’m a mom.  a caring, loving mom.  i just want a family.  a complete family.  i don’t have one single piece of it.  am i so awful for wanting and seeking a partner in my life?  a real, good person with values and strong family.  someone with their shit together… someone that my son can look up to!  why is that so fucking hard to imagine???  i know why… it doesn’t exist.  it’s bullshit.  it’s a complete waste of time to look.  i should just forget about that whole idea that there might be someone out there that actually gives a shit.  that wouldn’t cheat on me.  that cares enough to finish one thing before he moves on to the next.

close one door before you open another… why isn’t that just common courtesy?  i don’t get it???  let me know.  it’s not that big of a fucking deal.  i don’t want to date anyone that isn’t fully committed to me… why would I??? why would i continue to invest in someone or bring them around my family?  I wouldn’t.  i would never want to have another boyfriend only to end up heartbroken… again… why?  5 whole months wasted.  another man introduced to my son… who really isn’t a good person.  5 months… and in two years or less, i won’t even know this person existed.  another waste of time.  hurtful blow.  to further raise my belief that true love is never going to head my way.  i want it.  i need it.   i am desperate for it.  i’ve lost my mom, i’ve lost my grandpa (& grandma)… the only family that would always stick by me.  here i am longing desperately for a family… an adult to interact with that’s committed to me unconditionally… a partner.  a really hero for my children.  i feel worthy.

fine, lord, i’ll keep waiting… i’ll keep seeking.  i’ll keep putting myself out there… but i’m a lil broken this second.  i’m 100% mr right is going to have to really work hard to get me to really believe.  every single time that i think that’s it’s great, it isn’t.

him…

every time he says it, i get a little down.  what would i do?  how can i commit to someone who hasn’t committed fully to the same state.  i’m scared.  i’m sick about it.  i want to pull away.  i don’t want to end up in another situation that i thought was perfect… then…. like a slap in the face, it was complete bullshit.  every single waking moment.  he didn’t want me.  he didn’t want my family.  he wanted a fucking girlfriend.  someone that he could see on his terms.  i was a perfect target until something better came along. 

i’m not saying he set out to do that… but that’s what happened.  he actually said to me three short years ago.  after meeting his entire family at a family reunion. introduced by his mom as his fiance.  he said to me, a month or so after we moved closer.  well, i just don’t think this is how i want my life to be.  you’re a mess.  you have this business.  you are scatterbrained and don’t have your shit together.  you’re life is chaotic.  that’s when i ended it.  i had to.  it was already over.  what a waste… i drug my kids through that.  what a letdown. someone who just didn’t support me.  he wasn’t a christian.  he said he was… but after all this time, the truth came out.  he wasn’t.  he said. i hate when you invite me to your church.  i think it’s ridiculous that you believe.  it’s funny.  how stupid!

how could i have overlooked that HUGE dealbreaker.  stupid love.  that’s how.  i fell in love with him.   head over heels.  i never felt it that strongly before him…. and never have i felt the same after…

until now. here i am.  jaded, scorned, not really ready to be completely sure that i can say… oh fine, i believe.  yes, i can love.  i can be in love.  sure, i might actually find true love.  instead, i’m here.  in an excellent relationship.  perfect really, with a great boyfriend… i panick.  i worry.  what if he moves out of this shithole town which i’ve committed to for the next 5 yrs of my life.  what if he doesn’t want to be a ‘dad’ type or a leader for my son.  what if i want a family man… and he’s not.  what if… what if, i love him and i don’t see the truth like i did with matt.  what if???  can i handle it?  can josh handle it?  is it the right thing for me?  so i worry, i talk about it.  i don’t mention it.  i wait.  i hope. i think… it’ll be fine.  give it some time.  nobody’s perfect.  maybe things will come around to put my mind at ease.  he’s good to me, he’s good for me.  i know i’m worth it.  i know it’ll work out.  i’ll wait because i have to.  there is zero chance that i could shut him out.  he’s too perfect for me.  i just hope it’s really the good stuff.  i can’t handle another taste of defeat.

%d bloggers like this: