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my love story… edited

February 26, 2013 Leave a comment

if i were to write my own love story… how would it start?  would there be two characters to start or would i just be figuring myself out at the same that i’m connecting with another?

who knows what would happen…

i imagine it would go something like this…

she meets him. since the very start it was amazing.  their connection was unmatched.  they loved… for the first time.  they really loved.  they really worked well together no matter what obstacle came their way… staying together was the only option.  they did.  because they loved.  they needed each other.  they had to be.  they started out small and grew to something big.  maybe there wasn’t a white horse and a knight in shiny armor.  maybe that’s not even what she wanted.  she’s independent.  she has a list.  it’s important.  it’s rigid.  no one will ever meet the requirements.  i know it.  i’ve been told.  it’s too much to ask.  i have to choose my battles what things really matter.  at the end of the day, what do i really want and need?

i need him.  i want him.  i want the fairy tale.  every single piece.  i don’t want to compromise on anything.  nothing.  not a single thing.  everything must be perfect. but that’s not how it works, is it?

he’s great for her.  he does everything for her.  it’s perfect.  he really does.  he works a schedule around her because he needs to.  he cooks for her. because he wants her there.  he is there for her.  he keeps her centered. 

he’s attractive to her.  the most attractive guy she’s ever seen.  in every way, he loves his mom.  he cares about his dad and his family.  he wants and needs her in his life on the daily. 

how can she really turn this down.  she can’t. she won’t.  she’ll stay… because she has to.  because she loves him, including his faults.  there’s a few not many.  in the entire story, there aren’t that many bumps.  she loves him.  deeper than she ever imagined. 

she hopes for the fairy tale ending that she’s always dreamed of… maybe it’s not perfect. but it’s her version of perfect.  it works.  it’s great.  it’s intoxicating.

if i had a love story… i think it’d start similar to this.

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guest appearance on another blog… i’m in… well, maybe soon. http://mssinglemama.com/

September 27, 2012 Leave a comment

she said it. be positive… be engaging. i can do that. i’m a champ. i want to tell people all of the great things that i’ve learned being a single mom. you know what i’m in the best place i can possibly be positioned right this second.  i can do this.

me… yes, me. i’ve repaired things with him. exactly what i need and want. i’m working on getting my teenager on track at school. we have a real plan. and it will work. it will take time. i have to work hard to get him to stay on course. i can do this. my daughter… you know i’m struggling with that. we’ve always been very close but letting her live her life on her own… i’ll tell you… it’s not easy. it’s not easy watching her make mistakes and try to learn how to be responsible. i’ve given her the tools to work with… it’s hard watching her not use them. but i’m doing it. i’m getting it all figured out. i’m letting her do this on her own. i don’t want to… not a single bit… but i’m supportive. i love her. i’m there like i need to be.

the best thing about being a single mom for me… and the worst. i get to make all of the decisions. i’m the go-to person for my family. i love that i don’t have to ‘agree’. i don’t have to ‘compromise’. i don’t have to do anything someone else’s way. it’s nice. i mean, don’t get me wrong… i’d LOVE a partner. i really would. i need one. i need someone to hold my hand through this.

i may have found him. he’s really great. sure, we’ve had some problems. i’ve aired them when i probably shouldn’t have. but overall, he’s the best thing to ever happen to me. he includes my son at dinners with his friends and plays video games with him. he talks to him. he makes sure that i’m around. he knows that i’m a lil tricky… you can’t always just ask me to do stuff… you have to include me. you have to make sure i’m involved. i’m busy… i stay really busy. so, he says, do you want to go running after work with me today. after that, let’s go to the store to grab a few things for dinner. he knows… that’s the only way to keep me out of my normal routine of just doing my thing. he makes sure i’m around. because he has to. because he wants to. because he loves me.

he’s good for me… and he’s good to me. he keeps me grounded. he pushes me, gently. i’m a little bit of a hard person to agree with every now and again… he never gets me to that point. we’re only six months in… but i’m telling you… he’s the closest thing i’ve ever had to perfect. he’s never really struggled but he gets it. he doesn’t judge my decisions. he saves me when i need it, without a single hesitation. financially, i do my own thing but he always catches my falls without any questions. if i need it, he’ll deliver… no matter what. he won’t hound me. he won’t be critical of me. he just lets me take care of things. he gives me advice on my children when i ask. he doesn’t force me. that would never work for me… but you’d be surprised at the people that you bring into your life that expect you to take their advice. and make sure you hear their opinion.

he has a great family. they’ve stayed married, his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. they live close to each other. they do things together. they’re inviting. they’re welcoming. i love them.

i’m a strong girl. i’ve been doing this for a while. i know that i can handle almost anything this situation throws my way… sometimes, i doubt my own ability… so i write. i write because it helps me at home. i get it out… the frustration, the worry, the bad days. i get them out here. so that i can go home to my family. rejuvenated, ready, a little bit relaxed. it doesn’t always work. teens have a way of really pushing your buttons.

my son is smart, insightful, caring, etc. he’s a wonderful child. he’s always taking care of me. he gets to be a child for sure. at home, he’s my little gentleman. i’m working on getting him ‘trained’ to be a solid man. and every single second, he’s always good to me. getting his schoolwork on track, not so much. we’re definitely working on that… sometimes i think working in the wrong direction… but definitely working on it.

being a single mom… not easy. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. but… i’m happy with the me that i’ve become and all that i’ve overcome.

me, again… yes, i can’t hold onto a bf to save my life…

September 4, 2012 Leave a comment

rant after a heartbreak… i need this… i’m hurt, i feel betrayed… and i don’t understand how someone can do this to you while acting like they truly care for you.  while really fitting into your life and making plans with you.  while merging families.

why does this happen to me… i’m done.  i’m done with all the bullshit!  i’m tired of it!  i’m tired of pouring my heart and soul into everything i do… only to be betrayed by the people that i care so dearly about.  why is it so fucking easy for them to do this to me.  i would NEVER do this to anyone.  i don’t fucking deserve it!  what do i do that’s so bad… that’s so awful that i get treated like this.  nothing! not a freaking thing.  i am caring, sweet, loving, outgoing, etc.  i’m not perfect.  sure, i have my fair share of problems… it’s strictly financial problems; embarrassing but i don’t deserve to be disregarded.  i’m a good person.  i do good things.  i’m a mom.  a caring, loving mom.  i just want a family.  a complete family.  i don’t have one single piece of it.  am i so awful for wanting and seeking a partner in my life?  a real, good person with values and strong family.  someone with their shit together… someone that my son can look up to!  why is that so fucking hard to imagine???  i know why… it doesn’t exist.  it’s bullshit.  it’s a complete waste of time to look.  i should just forget about that whole idea that there might be someone out there that actually gives a shit.  that wouldn’t cheat on me.  that cares enough to finish one thing before he moves on to the next.

close one door before you open another… why isn’t that just common courtesy?  i don’t get it???  let me know.  it’s not that big of a fucking deal.  i don’t want to date anyone that isn’t fully committed to me… why would I??? why would i continue to invest in someone or bring them around my family?  I wouldn’t.  i would never want to have another boyfriend only to end up heartbroken… again… why?  5 whole months wasted.  another man introduced to my son… who really isn’t a good person.  5 months… and in two years or less, i won’t even know this person existed.  another waste of time.  hurtful blow.  to further raise my belief that true love is never going to head my way.  i want it.  i need it.   i am desperate for it.  i’ve lost my mom, i’ve lost my grandpa (& grandma)… the only family that would always stick by me.  here i am longing desperately for a family… an adult to interact with that’s committed to me unconditionally… a partner.  a really hero for my children.  i feel worthy.

fine, lord, i’ll keep waiting… i’ll keep seeking.  i’ll keep putting myself out there… but i’m a lil broken this second.  i’m 100% mr right is going to have to really work hard to get me to really believe.  every single time that i think that’s it’s great, it isn’t.

him…

every time he says it, i get a little down.  what would i do?  how can i commit to someone who hasn’t committed fully to the same state.  i’m scared.  i’m sick about it.  i want to pull away.  i don’t want to end up in another situation that i thought was perfect… then…. like a slap in the face, it was complete bullshit.  every single waking moment.  he didn’t want me.  he didn’t want my family.  he wanted a fucking girlfriend.  someone that he could see on his terms.  i was a perfect target until something better came along. 

i’m not saying he set out to do that… but that’s what happened.  he actually said to me three short years ago.  after meeting his entire family at a family reunion. introduced by his mom as his fiance.  he said to me, a month or so after we moved closer.  well, i just don’t think this is how i want my life to be.  you’re a mess.  you have this business.  you are scatterbrained and don’t have your shit together.  you’re life is chaotic.  that’s when i ended it.  i had to.  it was already over.  what a waste… i drug my kids through that.  what a letdown. someone who just didn’t support me.  he wasn’t a christian.  he said he was… but after all this time, the truth came out.  he wasn’t.  he said. i hate when you invite me to your church.  i think it’s ridiculous that you believe.  it’s funny.  how stupid!

how could i have overlooked that HUGE dealbreaker.  stupid love.  that’s how.  i fell in love with him.   head over heels.  i never felt it that strongly before him…. and never have i felt the same after…

until now. here i am.  jaded, scorned, not really ready to be completely sure that i can say… oh fine, i believe.  yes, i can love.  i can be in love.  sure, i might actually find true love.  instead, i’m here.  in an excellent relationship.  perfect really, with a great boyfriend… i panick.  i worry.  what if he moves out of this shithole town which i’ve committed to for the next 5 yrs of my life.  what if he doesn’t want to be a ‘dad’ type or a leader for my son.  what if i want a family man… and he’s not.  what if… what if, i love him and i don’t see the truth like i did with matt.  what if???  can i handle it?  can josh handle it?  is it the right thing for me?  so i worry, i talk about it.  i don’t mention it.  i wait.  i hope. i think… it’ll be fine.  give it some time.  nobody’s perfect.  maybe things will come around to put my mind at ease.  he’s good to me, he’s good for me.  i know i’m worth it.  i know it’ll work out.  i’ll wait because i have to.  there is zero chance that i could shut him out.  he’s too perfect for me.  i just hope it’s really the good stuff.  i can’t handle another taste of defeat.

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