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i’m enough…. i’m not the best but i’m enough.

recently i answered a question to perspective bf type… and i thought i’d share my complete thought here.

‘never was anything great achieved without danger’ Niccolo Machiavelli

but really when you meet me in person, i said.  you have no chance.  i’m awesome.  and i know it. 

that was my text string to this potential mr wonderful. and i mean it, i mean every last word.  i’m not a 10 in looks.  i’m not rich.  i’m not perfect.  i don’t have everything together.  but here’s what i do have to offer.

  • i’m the sweetest girl you’ll ever meet
  • i give every single thing i’ve got. i’m all in.
  • i’m loyal.
  • i encourage.  i support.
  • i am sexy… and i know it. ;)
  • i am christian, every single day.
  • i am busy but i make time for those who make time for me.
  • i am family-oriented but i can get down if the need arises. i can fit in most anywhere.
  • i’m a talker… sometimes too much.

 

believe me, i have my faults.  a lot of them really.  but right here right now… i love me. 

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

Alone. Lacking direction.

September 7, 2013 Leave a comment

Then there she sits. Alone. The usual. Her new life. It’s not what she wanted. She’s solo. All of the time. No real girlfriends. Nothing. Her two dogs. Her TV. And social media. That’s her ‘adult, kidfree’ life.

Happy? Satisfying? No. Not even a little bit. It’s depressing really. She isn’t taking care of anything. How do people live like this? I’m definitely not meant to be alone this much. It’s not me. I’m better shared. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. Still. Again. I’m lost. I’m alone. I’m pressured financially still. Again. I want to run away. I don’t even know where to. I want to make it better. I’ve given up. How can I fix this? Yeah I know I’m never home. I know I spend too much time with him. It’s horrible. I’m not even really that lonely. I just lack direction, companionship, etc. I just don’t have anyone in my life that’s really available to me. So I kill time with him. My valuable precious time. Today I listened to him talking to others. We don’t even talk. At all. What am I doing? I need so much more than this.
I’m supposed to have moved. But I haven yet. I’m too broke, depressed, worried. I need to. I know it’ll be better than this. This is bad for me. I can’t sit here another weekend. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to.

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

I miss him… I really do

August 21, 2013 Leave a comment

I miss him. I’ve thought about it a lot lately. When thinking about what I want and need in this next chapter. Again I’m changing everything. I’m sacrificing it all for a better financial position. To get past this mess I’ve created. To afford to live a little.

What could I possibly miss? The dinners together that we cooked. The meals we shared with friends. The drive-in that I’ve only shared with you. That I can’t even enjoy anymore. Our daily 5 mile runs. Our shows we watched only together. Snuggling in bed. The world stopping when you’re around. The way you included my son in every aspect of our life without hesitation. The way you just stepped in for me financially knowing I’d always payback my debt. You never even questioned me about it. You had faith in me. Our camping adventures that I’ll never forget. And now I don’t even want to camp with anyone else. But you already have. You’ve camped. You’ve taken girls to the drive-in. You’ve replaced our memories.
I miss our road trips. Even the dirt bike trips with lily.

But I don’t miss you. I miss the things we did; the memories we made. The support that I felt.

I miss the feelings that I had. It was probably hands down the closest I’ve ever felt to being with who I need in my life.

I’m searching for something more…. I hope I find it soon.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

And here I am lying in his bed.

Lying to myself.
Lying to my best friend.

What was I thinking? I thought I was just helping his brother. No big deal. Today was the worst. I can’t sleep here. I’m sick. There’s a used condom wrapper by the bed. So what do I do? Of course what any other stupid girl does…. I think when was the last time that it could have been me.
Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. Who cares at this point. Right? This is over.
It’s been over. It’s not what I want anymore at all. I’m too good to still be involved. I’m not really. Literally, there’s nothing even happening. Why am I even concerned with all of this? I know because you can’t turn my heart on and off. It just doesn’t work that way.
I put myself in this stupid situation. Because I’m nice. Because I’m caring. Because that’s how I work.
I have closed the door on this. Why do I still feel. Can’t I just move on! No, I won’t allow it. It’s gonna take time. I know it. He’s not even in the same country. I thought I could do this. But here it is… Right in my face. Do people really even love anymore? It’s just a big stupid game that you jack with until it works. I don’t want to play some stupid game. I don’t want to do this, so hopefully you’ll do that. I want shit to just work. Because it’s supposed to. Because it feels good. Because it’s so right that we couldn’t walk away from it. Because it’s worth the fight and struggle. Because it’s true love. Fairy tale type of stuff. The problem? I really don’t believe anymore. Not even a lil bit. I can’t date… Not because of him. Because of me. I finally don’t believe it will ever happen to me. I don’t get it. Am i being the kind of person I want to be with? I’m exactly who I think I should be. Great and worth it. Sure, I’m not perfect. But I’m really happy with me.
I guess I haven’t really given up entirely, I’m just done actively seeking. He will find me when the time is right.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

The hardest part

It’s when you’re headed on the plane. It was the last conversation you’ll ever have. The last look you missed because you couldn’t. You’re sick. Nauseous really. Completely broken.
Tomorrow will be better but it’s the sudden stop of your busy life. No kids. No work. No bf. Just me facing me. Head on.
It’s scary. How do I do this? Am I strong enough? Can I really be just me?
I guess it’s possible. I guess I’ll be happy. It sounds good. I’ll make new friends. I’ll survive. It’ll be great. I can see that. But right this second, it’s the hardest part.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

my love story… edited

February 26, 2013 Leave a comment

if i were to write my own love story… how would it start?  would there be two characters to start or would i just be figuring myself out at the same that i’m connecting with another?

who knows what would happen…

i imagine it would go something like this…

she meets him. since the very start it was amazing.  their connection was unmatched.  they loved… for the first time.  they really loved.  they really worked well together no matter what obstacle came their way… staying together was the only option.  they did.  because they loved.  they needed each other.  they had to be.  they started out small and grew to something big.  maybe there wasn’t a white horse and a knight in shiny armor.  maybe that’s not even what she wanted.  she’s independent.  she has a list.  it’s important.  it’s rigid.  no one will ever meet the requirements.  i know it.  i’ve been told.  it’s too much to ask.  i have to choose my battles what things really matter.  at the end of the day, what do i really want and need?

i need him.  i want him.  i want the fairy tale.  every single piece.  i don’t want to compromise on anything.  nothing.  not a single thing.  everything must be perfect. but that’s not how it works, is it?

he’s great for her.  he does everything for her.  it’s perfect.  he really does.  he works a schedule around her because he needs to.  he cooks for her. because he wants her there.  he is there for her.  he keeps her centered. 

he’s attractive to her.  the most attractive guy she’s ever seen.  in every way, he loves his mom.  he cares about his dad and his family.  he wants and needs her in his life on the daily. 

how can she really turn this down.  she can’t. she won’t.  she’ll stay… because she has to.  because she loves him, including his faults.  there’s a few not many.  in the entire story, there aren’t that many bumps.  she loves him.  deeper than she ever imagined. 

she hopes for the fairy tale ending that she’s always dreamed of… maybe it’s not perfect. but it’s her version of perfect.  it works.  it’s great.  it’s intoxicating.

if i had a love story… i think it’d start similar to this.

wish i didn’t…

September 17, 2012 1 comment

i wish it was a thought that never crossed my mind.  but it does.  more than i would ever want.  he apologized.   he promised it was over.  i forgave him.  after all, it only amounted to some photo sharing/conversations, or that’s as much as i’ve gathered.

trust is a funny thing.  you start with a clean slate.  you can’t remove the damage.  it’s like each little slip-up is recorded in sharpie. sure, you can scratch it out.  try your damnedest to remove it… but all in all.  it’s there.  it happened.  so each time you come across that corner of the board, you know it.  you feel it. you think it could be returning.  the fact is, i will never know.  never.  i have to sit here and believe, have faith.  that yeah, we laid this issue to rest.  it’s over.  he loves me.  i’m more important than this.  do i believe it.  sure, i do.  i don’t think that it’s his love for me that’s in question. in his mind, i’m 100% confident that i’m who he thinks he’s looking for… but do i think he truly believes that this was a big deal… no, he doesn’t.  he probably thinks i over-reacted since nothing actually happened.  but i know how things work.  i understand that these things don’t start out at full throttle.  they start out small.  then, before you know it, these pics and conversations are visits.  it’s never enough.  it’s more exciting each time.  with each little conversation, each little memory… you’re building on something, whether you want to or not.  it happens.  girls aren’t emotionless.  this girl cares.  maybe he doesn’t.  she does.  she will.  this will grow past it’s start.

the part that bothers me… is yeah, fuck it, i caught this early.  sure, it’s over.  but when things suck.  when our relationship hits a lull or we don’t see each other as often… what then?  i will worry.  i won’t want to but i will.  i’ll care, i’ll exaggerate things.  i will.  i’ll be upset.  i’ll be irrational.  i’ll cry about it.  i’ll worry.  me, this girl.  i’ll be sad about it.  i won’t say anything but i won’t be okay with it.

and, you know, there probably won’t be anything going on… i never imagined it before… but now i’ve seen pics… i’ve seen conversations.  i’ve seen plans for trips.  i’ve seen it!  i can’t take that back.  i can’t.  it’s stuck in my mind as a gentle reminder that faithful to me is very different from your version.  how could you.  you ruined this.  i loved you.

i’m trying to forgive and move forward. i’m trying to pretend i’m happy.  i’m trying to forget this ever happened.  with this sickness in my tummy on the daily… and this lump in my throat… these tears in my mind.  one day i won’t.

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