Posts Tagged ‘mom’

Days like this. That turn into years. 

Sometimes people just end up sad. Who knows why. They’re short on money. They miss their family. They miss a love in their life. 

Even when things are great, they aren’t fulfilling enough. The days run on… Even though they’re busy. 

Sometimes I sleep to much. Lay in bed too much. Sulk a little too much. For no real reason at all. 

Then he’s home. And I realize I should go back to making breakfast. To picking up after him. To walks in the park. To drives. To concerts. To events. To quality shared with my little handsome gentleman. 

It took a couple of weeks to even see what I needed to do. To get back into being the only thing I love. I don’t even want to do anything else. But I did. Because I had to. I love him home with me. Even if it’s close to the end of that chapter. I want every minute to be guiding, loving, caring, leading, Christian, etc. Everything important to me and my family. 

And just like I hoped. I’ve sacrificed my time with him. And I did lose a little bit of our connection in the process but I am so proud of him and I cannot dispute the absolute positive impact boarding school made on my son. It was everything good that I read from mom reviews.  It’s his senior year that we’re embarking on. His last year of high school.  And I am proud. I’m proud that he’s respectful to adults. He’s a hard worker at his part-time job.  He puts family first as I’ve taught him.  He is interested and stays current on politics. He wants to make change. He’s open to new ideas for career options but focused on his goals and how to get there. 

I’m happy and sad. I’m discouraged and feel misguided. I’m lonely and unfulfilled. 

I’m in a transitional phase. And I’m honestly unsure when I’ll be okay. When I’ll feel like… Ok, this is my place. This is exactly what I should be doing. Maybe never. I think at 39 I’ve reached the place I used to get annoyed about. The stupid what am I doing here phase. Oh geez!  The what is my purpose phase. 

Is my life going to really be… Work late.  Bath. Dinner.  Me & Lil snuggle to TV. 

Time to stop sulking and get back to doing things that keep us connected. 

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

empty-nester day #1 (more like the week in review)

February 6, 2013 Leave a comment

so, yesterday was a big day… i’m the girl in the empty house.  i’m not thrilled about it.  it’s not exactly where i want to be.  i’m not sure exactly how to handle all of this.

here’s what happened… this weekend, i finally decided yes, it’s time to get joshua to the boarding/college prep school.  he’s definitely not going to get what he needs from me.  it’s depressing.  i feel like a failure.  how can i, me??? not be the best thing for my son right now?  i’m just not reaching him.  it’s out of my control.  it’s joshua.  he’s just not listening.  he’s a good kid.  he just doesn’t get it.  no matter what anyone says… he isn’t going to do the right thing under my supervision.  period.  it’s not going to happen.  i’ve tried everything.  so, on the brink of losing my job, i’m relinquishing all control to a school.  this is scary.  i hope it works.  i hope that i look back on this experience and think… yes!  he did it.  i knew he could.  he just needed another avenue.  another step that i wasn’t able to provide.  structure with close supervision. 

where does this leave me? alone. sad. feeling unfit. i’ll rise above this.  i know i will.  for now, i’ll just be as positive as i can be.  i’ll workout to exhaust myself so that at the end of the day, i actually want to sleep… and maybe i’ll even be sort of ‘in shape’.  i’ll spend time with tori while she’s under my roof again.  i’ll take runs with lily in the evening.  i guess i’ll take roxy too.  i’ll fill up the weekdays with working out, cooking, and family until the weekend.  then i’ll visit. i’ll visit my lil boo.  whom i miss so very much.  who really isn’t so little anymore.  i’m excited to see him blossom into a man and hopefully my gentleman training will have helped a little. 

i will grow a garden. that will be my project… a beautiful flower garden and vegetable garden that i’ve always wanted.

i will travel to see my family who will hold me together while i am broken.  travel to all of our spots, chicago, LA, little rock, etc. i’ll be visiting the people who care about me unconditionally.  i’ll be putting my mind at ease and piecing together the brokenness that i feel from an empty home. i wonder if there is anyone that is going through the same thing as me. is there one single person whose gone down this path.  i wish i could see into the future.  see myself put back together.  see a me that i’m proud of.  see my son grown and successful in whatever that may look like for him.

maybe i’ll foster parent or at least look into it.  i want to have children around me.  a friend suggested PTA but i don’t know if that’s what i’m looking for.  maybe in Aug, i’ll volunteer at CASA again.  maybe i’ll volunteer at Big Brother/Big Sister. 

i’m sure that i’ll get more comfortable with this whole situation soon… hopefully.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

failing… at least, that’s how it feels…

November 10, 2012 Leave a comment

you know… i know they’re good.  they don’t come with instructions.  i have no idea what i’m doing.  none.

i thought boys ‘were easy… not the case.  he’s failing.  he doesn’t care.  he’s a growing a boy who needs direction. i’m not the right person to lead him.  i have no idea what the hell i’m doing.  i’m a girl.  100% girl.  she was easy… i knew exactly how to lead her.  i knew every answer to how she was feeling or how she should behave.  you know, maybe she didn’t listen. but i said with confidence answers that i felt good about… things i knew made sense.  how do i do that same thing for him?  he’s not the same.  it’s not the same.  i don’t know.  i truly don’t know a single thing about boys. i know how to show him how to be a gentleman.  i’ve got that down… i can do ‘gentleman training’ all day long… but what else?  i mean, i don’t know how to make sure he’s an average young man or better than that really…  i don’t know how to know what is wrong…

i feel like i’m failing as a parent… my most important job… my favorite thing in the world… and after all is said and done… i don’t think i did it right.  sure, she’s probably gonna be fine but i don’t think i gave her enough direction.  i really don’t think i did what i should’ve done… i wish i’d have known…

maybe the years will pass and i won’t regret a single thing.   maybe i’ll see that… hmmm…. look lady you did this.  you raised these good people.  they are honest.  they are hard-working.  they are frugal.  they work for what they want/need.  they don’t settle.  she is strong.  stronger than you ever were at her age… it’s a great thing.  it’s so good where she’s headed and been.  she didn’t struggle as much as you. this is a very important piece.  she learned when you weren’t teaching.  he respects you.  he knows you tried your best.  he probably knew you were clueless but look at him now… he’s a man.  he takes care of things without a moment’s hesitation.  because he should.  because he needs to.  because he’s supposed to… i’m proud of him.  he’s accomplished.  he’s working on his dreams.

i hope that’s the case.  i’m hopeful that with all of my faults and uncertainty… i still manage to keep our family close.  i hope that i can keep them close to me and hold them accountable for doing the right thing without asking… sort of the way he does this for me.  he makes me think about my choices.  he doesn’t make a big deal about it.  he just makes a comment that i’ll take with me far after the moment has passed…. it’ll set in.  he probably didn’t mean what i take it for… but it works for me.  it’s non-threatening.  not judgmental in any way.  it’s just a gentle nudge in the direction that i need.  that’s what i need to do for them.  maybe i already do.  i try to lead by example.  i try to do the right thing when i can.  i hope they see that.  i’m sure they do.  i’m sure they know that when i know i’ve done things that i could’ve done better… i try to make it right… no matter what.

i feel like i’m failing.  but i’m sure that it’s just this part.  the part i dreaded.  freshman yr.  get me out of here…. i’ll stay positive.  i’ll try to not mess this up.



guest appearance on another blog… i’m in… well, maybe soon.

September 27, 2012 Leave a comment

she said it. be positive… be engaging. i can do that. i’m a champ. i want to tell people all of the great things that i’ve learned being a single mom. you know what i’m in the best place i can possibly be positioned right this second.  i can do this.

me… yes, me. i’ve repaired things with him. exactly what i need and want. i’m working on getting my teenager on track at school. we have a real plan. and it will work. it will take time. i have to work hard to get him to stay on course. i can do this. my daughter… you know i’m struggling with that. we’ve always been very close but letting her live her life on her own… i’ll tell you… it’s not easy. it’s not easy watching her make mistakes and try to learn how to be responsible. i’ve given her the tools to work with… it’s hard watching her not use them. but i’m doing it. i’m getting it all figured out. i’m letting her do this on her own. i don’t want to… not a single bit… but i’m supportive. i love her. i’m there like i need to be.

the best thing about being a single mom for me… and the worst. i get to make all of the decisions. i’m the go-to person for my family. i love that i don’t have to ‘agree’. i don’t have to ‘compromise’. i don’t have to do anything someone else’s way. it’s nice. i mean, don’t get me wrong… i’d LOVE a partner. i really would. i need one. i need someone to hold my hand through this.

i may have found him. he’s really great. sure, we’ve had some problems. i’ve aired them when i probably shouldn’t have. but overall, he’s the best thing to ever happen to me. he includes my son at dinners with his friends and plays video games with him. he talks to him. he makes sure that i’m around. he knows that i’m a lil tricky… you can’t always just ask me to do stuff… you have to include me. you have to make sure i’m involved. i’m busy… i stay really busy. so, he says, do you want to go running after work with me today. after that, let’s go to the store to grab a few things for dinner. he knows… that’s the only way to keep me out of my normal routine of just doing my thing. he makes sure i’m around. because he has to. because he wants to. because he loves me.

he’s good for me… and he’s good to me. he keeps me grounded. he pushes me, gently. i’m a little bit of a hard person to agree with every now and again… he never gets me to that point. we’re only six months in… but i’m telling you… he’s the closest thing i’ve ever had to perfect. he’s never really struggled but he gets it. he doesn’t judge my decisions. he saves me when i need it, without a single hesitation. financially, i do my own thing but he always catches my falls without any questions. if i need it, he’ll deliver… no matter what. he won’t hound me. he won’t be critical of me. he just lets me take care of things. he gives me advice on my children when i ask. he doesn’t force me. that would never work for me… but you’d be surprised at the people that you bring into your life that expect you to take their advice. and make sure you hear their opinion.

he has a great family. they’ve stayed married, his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. they live close to each other. they do things together. they’re inviting. they’re welcoming. i love them.

i’m a strong girl. i’ve been doing this for a while. i know that i can handle almost anything this situation throws my way… sometimes, i doubt my own ability… so i write. i write because it helps me at home. i get it out… the frustration, the worry, the bad days. i get them out here. so that i can go home to my family. rejuvenated, ready, a little bit relaxed. it doesn’t always work. teens have a way of really pushing your buttons.

my son is smart, insightful, caring, etc. he’s a wonderful child. he’s always taking care of me. he gets to be a child for sure. at home, he’s my little gentleman. i’m working on getting him ‘trained’ to be a solid man. and every single second, he’s always good to me. getting his schoolwork on track, not so much. we’re definitely working on that… sometimes i think working in the wrong direction… but definitely working on it.

being a single mom… not easy. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. but… i’m happy with the me that i’ve become and all that i’ve overcome.

disappoinment… but this is my life… and i’m where i need to be.

August 16, 2012 Leave a comment

i hear the disappointment in his voice… not over what i’ve said… but stuff i haven’t.  but, in reality, i’m proud of me.  sure, i struggled.  sure, he helped.  he really helped.  he’s done his fair share.  he’s drawn the line in the sand.  i get it.  he feels used.  it’s stupid.  fucking stupid.  hey p.s. i started a business four years ago to be with my family more.  i was missing everything.  i wasn’t able to be a mom that i needed to be.  it didn’t work.  it didn’t work because i spent more time focused on the business than on the only thing that i really give a shit about.  you, of all people, should understand how tough that is.  instead, you bash me.  you ignore me. when i’ve finally reached a good place and set all of that behind me.  you’re my fucking dad.  you’re supposed to suck it up and stick by me.  i’m not a criminal for Christ’s sake.  it’s all related to a lack of funding.  that’s it.  nothing else.  you and grandma saying that stuff, acting like i have an alcohol problem.  what is wrong with you?  if either of you took the time to actually spend time with me, you’d realize how ridiculous that is.

i’m a good person.  i’m happy with the things i’ve done… i feel good about who i am as a person.  but here i am… writing off another unsupportive family member.  it’s okay.  i’ve known it all along.  you’re the one person who always makes me feel like shit.  you always have that ‘i’m right about everything’ tone.  that you really just do it better.  well, look at you, you’re not perfect.  if you’re mom hadn’t saved your ass all of those years, where would u be?  does she do this to you?  no, she doesn’t… i know firsthand.

to those who’ve turned their backs on me:  i’m in a great place now.  i’m right where i need to be.  i can actually afford to collect my life and move forward.  for once, i’m able to do the things that i know make sense.

the life of the single mom, completely on her own is not easy.  sure, he’s paid for shit.  so what.  i mean, really in the whole scheme of things, his one part, while very necessary and i’m truly grateful, was optional.  my piece in this… never has been.  i do this, i live this, i make every decision… i alone live with the consequences.


last night. a reminder… that i need out of this. i want & need it.

i look at my phone after i get home from a busy day of hunting for a tent/cooler for the float trip this weekend… i have a text message from my phone provider, virgin mobile.  it’s after 11pm so i the office is closed… and they’ve shutoff my phone.

normally, not  a big deal, obviously a computer problem on their end…

but instead… i get upset.  sort of a tantrum really.  you know, i’ve been through a lot lately.  i’ve reached a breaking point.  this one stupid little thing could just be it.  the one thing to really throw me over the edge.  look, we already have it bad enough.  i don’t have my own bed.  we don’t have anything we need. this phone was a saving grace for me. honestly, probably shouldn’t have paid the bill.  but i did.  i paid it so that i could have this one thing.  communication.   with the people that matter to me.  the people that just really hold my hand through this whole mess.  honestly, they probably don’t even know who they are… they probably have no idea that they keep me going.

poor Joshua, he doesn’t deserve this.  his mom is a mess, she can’t handle it.  i just don’t know how to keep this going.  i’ll be fine.  we’ll be fine.  but even the smallest thing that rocks my boat… throws me into uncontrollable fits.  i could not stop crying.  i just can’t figure one more thing out. i need my budget to go exactly as planned. not one more bump.  i don’t have any other way.  i need this float trip. i need this road trip out of here.  i can’t handle no phone for this period.  i can’t handle a flat tire… i can’t handle one more thing.  nothing. i need it to just work.  as planned.

maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  my phone plan did end 8/27.  now it’s extended to 9/7 because it was virgin mobile’s mistake.  i really wouldn’t have been able to pay it then anyway.  now it’s closer to my next payday 9/10.

i’m really not trying to be a baby… i’m really trying to keep it together.  i’m so close.  i think i’ll feel rejuvenated after this trip.  i’m sure i’ll be on track emotionally.

prayer: please help me to focus. help me to ward off the little bumps.  i can do this.  i know i can.  i just can’t do it without you.

he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

i see my son… laying in the corner of my living room… on a mattress. our only piece of furniture since 6/1/12. he didn’t sign up for this. he is a good kid. i am a good mom. we used to be a good family. a while back. now what do we do? pass the time. literally, that’s it. no more walks on the plaza. no more quiktrip runs. no more starbucks, trips to the park, road trips, etc. no more visiting art museums or watching movies at crown center. no more ice skating. stuff we used to do… that he was too young to honestly even remember. no more dinners out. no more ordering off anything other than a dollar menu. nothing. we do nothing.
we can’t. it’s sucks but it’s a fact. we can’t do a fucking thing. i mean, literally. every week, my new friend at work asks me to lunch or drinks. and God i want to… i really do. i used to do that stuff. i used to have fun. i used to smile about stuff. now i’m frozen. i can’t move. i can’t do anything. i have things to do but i can’t do them. i just waste the time like it’s infinitely replacable. like, shit, who even fucking cares. i don’t. why does it matter if i spend 6 hrs writing my stupid blog. or updating fb. or checking my bank account… although, there is no way, that there would be any change. i wish. i wish by some stroke of luck, i’d have a friendly deposit of $50 to get me through this week. my work schedule is too flexible. sure, it’s great but since i’ve started, i’ve worked under 32 hrs/wk. because i can. i’m hourly… and i’ve been told that i can come and go as i please… so i do… which costs me and my inflexible budget. it makes it all very unmanageable. it’s exactly why i can’t make it. i can’t do it because of me. it’s all my fault. i did this. i take full responsbility. i’ve changed my childrens’ lives for the worse. i’m in debt to my daughter over a grand. it’s my fault. i borrowed from my kid to support us. everything i’m strongly against. i’ve done it. i’ve used a credit card for the first time ever… because i had to. i had no choice. i’ve disappointed my dad. i feel good about my choices but he doesn’t understand. i’ve ruined my relationship with my brother. when i came back from FL and saw him at my daughter’s grad. all i had to do was to have my shit together. but instead more fucking drama. more police trouble. just to further confirm his belief that i’m a piece of shit unworthy of a second chance.
i’m not. i know who i am. i feel good about me… but if you lay it all out there. what i’ve been through. it’s a lot. it’s a lot to lookover. it’s a lot to say… well, it’s not her fault. she was just trying anything to make her situation better. i don’t need anyone to understand my journey. i know where i’ve been. i’m proud of me. i have the strong support people that i need in my life. they’re exactly where i need them to be. right beside me. i know that they are confident in me. they know that i am doing my best. and it hasn’t been easy. i have not just floundered around aimlessly. this is far more calculated than that. i am a planner. i plan everything. every single step.
one day, it’ll come together. i’m almost there. i know my family will eventually see… but in that day will i accept it? will i be bitter because when i was truly down they didn’t support me? absolutely. i know who my support people are. more often than not, they aren’t family. there are only a few.

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