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Posts Tagged ‘raising my son’

failing… at least, that’s how it feels…

November 10, 2012 Leave a comment

you know… i know they’re good.  they don’t come with instructions.  i have no idea what i’m doing.  none.

i thought boys ‘were easy… not the case.  he’s failing.  he doesn’t care.  he’s a growing a boy who needs direction. i’m not the right person to lead him.  i have no idea what the hell i’m doing.  i’m a girl.  100% girl.  she was easy… i knew exactly how to lead her.  i knew every answer to how she was feeling or how she should behave.  you know, maybe she didn’t listen. but i said with confidence answers that i felt good about… things i knew made sense.  how do i do that same thing for him?  he’s not the same.  it’s not the same.  i don’t know.  i truly don’t know a single thing about boys. i know how to show him how to be a gentleman.  i’ve got that down… i can do ‘gentleman training’ all day long… but what else?  i mean, i don’t know how to make sure he’s an average young man or better than that really…  i don’t know how to know what is wrong…

i feel like i’m failing as a parent… my most important job… my favorite thing in the world… and after all is said and done… i don’t think i did it right.  sure, she’s probably gonna be fine but i don’t think i gave her enough direction.  i really don’t think i did what i should’ve done… i wish i’d have known…

maybe the years will pass and i won’t regret a single thing.   maybe i’ll see that… hmmm…. look lady you did this.  you raised these good people.  they are honest.  they are hard-working.  they are frugal.  they work for what they want/need.  they don’t settle.  she is strong.  stronger than you ever were at her age… it’s a great thing.  it’s so good where she’s headed and been.  she didn’t struggle as much as you. this is a very important piece.  she learned when you weren’t teaching.  he respects you.  he knows you tried your best.  he probably knew you were clueless but look at him now… he’s a man.  he takes care of things without a moment’s hesitation.  because he should.  because he needs to.  because he’s supposed to… i’m proud of him.  he’s accomplished.  he’s working on his dreams.

i hope that’s the case.  i’m hopeful that with all of my faults and uncertainty… i still manage to keep our family close.  i hope that i can keep them close to me and hold them accountable for doing the right thing without asking… sort of the way he does this for me.  he makes me think about my choices.  he doesn’t make a big deal about it.  he just makes a comment that i’ll take with me far after the moment has passed…. it’ll set in.  he probably didn’t mean what i take it for… but it works for me.  it’s non-threatening.  not judgmental in any way.  it’s just a gentle nudge in the direction that i need.  that’s what i need to do for them.  maybe i already do.  i try to lead by example.  i try to do the right thing when i can.  i hope they see that.  i’m sure they do.  i’m sure they know that when i know i’ve done things that i could’ve done better… i try to make it right… no matter what.

i feel like i’m failing.  but i’m sure that it’s just this part.  the part i dreaded.  freshman yr.  get me out of here…. i’ll stay positive.  i’ll try to not mess this up.

 

 

disappoinment… but this is my life… and i’m where i need to be.

August 16, 2012 Leave a comment

i hear the disappointment in his voice… not over what i’ve said… but stuff i haven’t.  but, in reality, i’m proud of me.  sure, i struggled.  sure, he helped.  he really helped.  he’s done his fair share.  he’s drawn the line in the sand.  i get it.  he feels used.  it’s stupid.  fucking stupid.  hey p.s. i started a business four years ago to be with my family more.  i was missing everything.  i wasn’t able to be a mom that i needed to be.  it didn’t work.  it didn’t work because i spent more time focused on the business than on the only thing that i really give a shit about.  you, of all people, should understand how tough that is.  instead, you bash me.  you ignore me. when i’ve finally reached a good place and set all of that behind me.  you’re my fucking dad.  you’re supposed to suck it up and stick by me.  i’m not a criminal for Christ’s sake.  it’s all related to a lack of funding.  that’s it.  nothing else.  you and grandma saying that stuff, acting like i have an alcohol problem.  what is wrong with you?  if either of you took the time to actually spend time with me, you’d realize how ridiculous that is.

i’m a good person.  i’m happy with the things i’ve done… i feel good about who i am as a person.  but here i am… writing off another unsupportive family member.  it’s okay.  i’ve known it all along.  you’re the one person who always makes me feel like shit.  you always have that ‘i’m right about everything’ tone.  that you really just do it better.  well, look at you, you’re not perfect.  if you’re mom hadn’t saved your ass all of those years, where would u be?  does she do this to you?  no, she doesn’t… i know firsthand.

to those who’ve turned their backs on me:  i’m in a great place now.  i’m right where i need to be.  i can actually afford to collect my life and move forward.  for once, i’m able to do the things that i know make sense.

the life of the single mom, completely on her own is not easy.  sure, he’s paid for shit.  so what.  i mean, really in the whole scheme of things, his one part, while very necessary and i’m truly grateful, was optional.  my piece in this… never has been.  i do this, i live this, i make every decision… i alone live with the consequences.

 

he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

i see my son… laying in the corner of my living room… on a mattress. our only piece of furniture since 6/1/12. he didn’t sign up for this. he is a good kid. i am a good mom. we used to be a good family. a while back. now what do we do? pass the time. literally, that’s it. no more walks on the plaza. no more quiktrip runs. no more starbucks, trips to the park, road trips, etc. no more visiting art museums or watching movies at crown center. no more ice skating. stuff we used to do… that he was too young to honestly even remember. no more dinners out. no more ordering off anything other than a dollar menu. nothing. we do nothing.
we can’t. it’s sucks but it’s a fact. we can’t do a fucking thing. i mean, literally. every week, my new friend at work asks me to lunch or drinks. and God i want to… i really do. i used to do that stuff. i used to have fun. i used to smile about stuff. now i’m frozen. i can’t move. i can’t do anything. i have things to do but i can’t do them. i just waste the time like it’s infinitely replacable. like, shit, who even fucking cares. i don’t. why does it matter if i spend 6 hrs writing my stupid blog. or updating fb. or checking my bank account… although, there is no way, that there would be any change. i wish. i wish by some stroke of luck, i’d have a friendly deposit of $50 to get me through this week. my work schedule is too flexible. sure, it’s great but since i’ve started, i’ve worked under 32 hrs/wk. because i can. i’m hourly… and i’ve been told that i can come and go as i please… so i do… which costs me and my inflexible budget. it makes it all very unmanageable. it’s exactly why i can’t make it. i can’t do it because of me. it’s all my fault. i did this. i take full responsbility. i’ve changed my childrens’ lives for the worse. i’m in debt to my daughter over a grand. it’s my fault. i borrowed from my kid to support us. everything i’m strongly against. i’ve done it. i’ve used a credit card for the first time ever… because i had to. i had no choice. i’ve disappointed my dad. i feel good about my choices but he doesn’t understand. i’ve ruined my relationship with my brother. when i came back from FL and saw him at my daughter’s grad. all i had to do was to have my shit together. but instead more fucking drama. more police trouble. just to further confirm his belief that i’m a piece of shit unworthy of a second chance.
i’m not. i know who i am. i feel good about me… but if you lay it all out there. what i’ve been through. it’s a lot. it’s a lot to lookover. it’s a lot to say… well, it’s not her fault. she was just trying anything to make her situation better. i don’t need anyone to understand my journey. i know where i’ve been. i’m proud of me. i have the strong support people that i need in my life. they’re exactly where i need them to be. right beside me. i know that they are confident in me. they know that i am doing my best. and it hasn’t been easy. i have not just floundered around aimlessly. this is far more calculated than that. i am a planner. i plan everything. every single step.
one day, it’ll come together. i’m almost there. i know my family will eventually see… but in that day will i accept it? will i be bitter because when i was truly down they didn’t support me? absolutely. i know who my support people are. more often than not, they aren’t family. there are only a few.

less than a month… i feel… renewed… rejuvenated

i’m almost there… what will i do with this newfound freedom? work harder, create a new list of personal goals, enjoy things, travel, put family first work second, do what i love every single second.
that’s what i’ll do… sounds crazy that i’ve really spent the past 4 yrs just making it through… just pushing past every paycheck… to the next. deciding… hmmm. what will we not be able to afford with this one. finally free of that stress.
file bankruptcy. that’s #1 on my list. end this. i want a phone number free of collection calls, i want decent credit that i’ve now destroyed.
i don’t regret a single thing… but i won’t mind walking away from all of this. i’m a microsecond away from a heart attack, i’m sure of it.
i want to go to games with my son. i want to enjoy brunch with my family on Sunday mornings. i want coffee in the morning on a patio. i want to run with my puppy free of worry.
these are my dreams. normal, everyday life. that’s what i need. no more pressure. no more stress. a smarter start.

today… an all new outlook. well, maybe it’s the same… just a little more clearly defined.

I took today off of work.  because I needed the day.  I needed to gather my thoughts.  Correct my attitude and face this head on working on my goals. I know I’m a positive person.  I’m strong.  I just need to go back to my start.  When this all began.  Who am I?  What makes me content?  What keeps me moving forward?  I need to stop thinking that I may run my car into a tree… because it’s starting to sound reasonable to me.  It’s causing me to lose my focus and it’s affecting my family.

So, today… I took the day off at work.  I made my son and I pancakes with what we had to cook.  I made coffee.  I sat on the patio.  Then, off to the library.  I need to be inspired. I want to read about others that want to go further.  Do big things.  Or maybe have done them with opposition not far behind them.  I want to read about women who really just did it.  Just really pushed through and got ahead.  I’m not looking to advance at work… I’m just looking to become a leader.  To do something with my life.  Something that I’m proud of.  Keep my family on track.  Be someone active in my community.  I’m working on it.  I know I can do it.  I will. 

So, here we go… wish me luck. 

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