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i’m enough…. i’m not the best but i’m enough.

recently i answered a question to perspective bf type… and i thought i’d share my complete thought here.

‘never was anything great achieved without danger’ Niccolo Machiavelli

but really when you meet me in person, i said.  you have no chance.  i’m awesome.  and i know it. 

that was my text string to this potential mr wonderful. and i mean it, i mean every last word.  i’m not a 10 in looks.  i’m not rich.  i’m not perfect.  i don’t have everything together.  but here’s what i do have to offer.

  • i’m the sweetest girl you’ll ever meet
  • i give every single thing i’ve got. i’m all in.
  • i’m loyal.
  • i encourage.  i support.
  • i am sexy… and i know it. ;)
  • i am christian, every single day.
  • i am busy but i make time for those who make time for me.
  • i am family-oriented but i can get down if the need arises. i can fit in most anywhere.
  • i’m a talker… sometimes too much.

 

believe me, i have my faults.  a lot of them really.  but right here right now… i love me. 

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

I miss him… I really do

August 21, 2013 Leave a comment

I miss him. I’ve thought about it a lot lately. When thinking about what I want and need in this next chapter. Again I’m changing everything. I’m sacrificing it all for a better financial position. To get past this mess I’ve created. To afford to live a little.

What could I possibly miss? The dinners together that we cooked. The meals we shared with friends. The drive-in that I’ve only shared with you. That I can’t even enjoy anymore. Our daily 5 mile runs. Our shows we watched only together. Snuggling in bed. The world stopping when you’re around. The way you included my son in every aspect of our life without hesitation. The way you just stepped in for me financially knowing I’d always payback my debt. You never even questioned me about it. You had faith in me. Our camping adventures that I’ll never forget. And now I don’t even want to camp with anyone else. But you already have. You’ve camped. You’ve taken girls to the drive-in. You’ve replaced our memories.
I miss our road trips. Even the dirt bike trips with lily.

But I don’t miss you. I miss the things we did; the memories we made. The support that I felt.

I miss the feelings that I had. It was probably hands down the closest I’ve ever felt to being with who I need in my life.

I’m searching for something more…. I hope I find it soon.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

And here I am lying in his bed.

Lying to myself.
Lying to my best friend.

What was I thinking? I thought I was just helping his brother. No big deal. Today was the worst. I can’t sleep here. I’m sick. There’s a used condom wrapper by the bed. So what do I do? Of course what any other stupid girl does…. I think when was the last time that it could have been me.
Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. Who cares at this point. Right? This is over.
It’s been over. It’s not what I want anymore at all. I’m too good to still be involved. I’m not really. Literally, there’s nothing even happening. Why am I even concerned with all of this? I know because you can’t turn my heart on and off. It just doesn’t work that way.
I put myself in this stupid situation. Because I’m nice. Because I’m caring. Because that’s how I work.
I have closed the door on this. Why do I still feel. Can’t I just move on! No, I won’t allow it. It’s gonna take time. I know it. He’s not even in the same country. I thought I could do this. But here it is… Right in my face. Do people really even love anymore? It’s just a big stupid game that you jack with until it works. I don’t want to play some stupid game. I don’t want to do this, so hopefully you’ll do that. I want shit to just work. Because it’s supposed to. Because it feels good. Because it’s so right that we couldn’t walk away from it. Because it’s worth the fight and struggle. Because it’s true love. Fairy tale type of stuff. The problem? I really don’t believe anymore. Not even a lil bit. I can’t date… Not because of him. Because of me. I finally don’t believe it will ever happen to me. I don’t get it. Am i being the kind of person I want to be with? I’m exactly who I think I should be. Great and worth it. Sure, I’m not perfect. But I’m really happy with me.
I guess I haven’t really given up entirely, I’m just done actively seeking. He will find me when the time is right.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

The hardest part

It’s when you’re headed on the plane. It was the last conversation you’ll ever have. The last look you missed because you couldn’t. You’re sick. Nauseous really. Completely broken.
Tomorrow will be better but it’s the sudden stop of your busy life. No kids. No work. No bf. Just me facing me. Head on.
It’s scary. How do I do this? Am I strong enough? Can I really be just me?
I guess it’s possible. I guess I’ll be happy. It sounds good. I’ll make new friends. I’ll survive. It’ll be great. I can see that. But right this second, it’s the hardest part.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

my love story… edited

February 26, 2013 Leave a comment

if i were to write my own love story… how would it start?  would there be two characters to start or would i just be figuring myself out at the same that i’m connecting with another?

who knows what would happen…

i imagine it would go something like this…

she meets him. since the very start it was amazing.  their connection was unmatched.  they loved… for the first time.  they really loved.  they really worked well together no matter what obstacle came their way… staying together was the only option.  they did.  because they loved.  they needed each other.  they had to be.  they started out small and grew to something big.  maybe there wasn’t a white horse and a knight in shiny armor.  maybe that’s not even what she wanted.  she’s independent.  she has a list.  it’s important.  it’s rigid.  no one will ever meet the requirements.  i know it.  i’ve been told.  it’s too much to ask.  i have to choose my battles what things really matter.  at the end of the day, what do i really want and need?

i need him.  i want him.  i want the fairy tale.  every single piece.  i don’t want to compromise on anything.  nothing.  not a single thing.  everything must be perfect. but that’s not how it works, is it?

he’s great for her.  he does everything for her.  it’s perfect.  he really does.  he works a schedule around her because he needs to.  he cooks for her. because he wants her there.  he is there for her.  he keeps her centered. 

he’s attractive to her.  the most attractive guy she’s ever seen.  in every way, he loves his mom.  he cares about his dad and his family.  he wants and needs her in his life on the daily. 

how can she really turn this down.  she can’t. she won’t.  she’ll stay… because she has to.  because she loves him, including his faults.  there’s a few not many.  in the entire story, there aren’t that many bumps.  she loves him.  deeper than she ever imagined. 

she hopes for the fairy tale ending that she’s always dreamed of… maybe it’s not perfect. but it’s her version of perfect.  it works.  it’s great.  it’s intoxicating.

if i had a love story… i think it’d start similar to this.

guest appearance on another blog… i’m in… well, maybe soon. http://mssinglemama.com/

September 27, 2012 Leave a comment

she said it. be positive… be engaging. i can do that. i’m a champ. i want to tell people all of the great things that i’ve learned being a single mom. you know what i’m in the best place i can possibly be positioned right this second.  i can do this.

me… yes, me. i’ve repaired things with him. exactly what i need and want. i’m working on getting my teenager on track at school. we have a real plan. and it will work. it will take time. i have to work hard to get him to stay on course. i can do this. my daughter… you know i’m struggling with that. we’ve always been very close but letting her live her life on her own… i’ll tell you… it’s not easy. it’s not easy watching her make mistakes and try to learn how to be responsible. i’ve given her the tools to work with… it’s hard watching her not use them. but i’m doing it. i’m getting it all figured out. i’m letting her do this on her own. i don’t want to… not a single bit… but i’m supportive. i love her. i’m there like i need to be.

the best thing about being a single mom for me… and the worst. i get to make all of the decisions. i’m the go-to person for my family. i love that i don’t have to ‘agree’. i don’t have to ‘compromise’. i don’t have to do anything someone else’s way. it’s nice. i mean, don’t get me wrong… i’d LOVE a partner. i really would. i need one. i need someone to hold my hand through this.

i may have found him. he’s really great. sure, we’ve had some problems. i’ve aired them when i probably shouldn’t have. but overall, he’s the best thing to ever happen to me. he includes my son at dinners with his friends and plays video games with him. he talks to him. he makes sure that i’m around. he knows that i’m a lil tricky… you can’t always just ask me to do stuff… you have to include me. you have to make sure i’m involved. i’m busy… i stay really busy. so, he says, do you want to go running after work with me today. after that, let’s go to the store to grab a few things for dinner. he knows… that’s the only way to keep me out of my normal routine of just doing my thing. he makes sure i’m around. because he has to. because he wants to. because he loves me.

he’s good for me… and he’s good to me. he keeps me grounded. he pushes me, gently. i’m a little bit of a hard person to agree with every now and again… he never gets me to that point. we’re only six months in… but i’m telling you… he’s the closest thing i’ve ever had to perfect. he’s never really struggled but he gets it. he doesn’t judge my decisions. he saves me when i need it, without a single hesitation. financially, i do my own thing but he always catches my falls without any questions. if i need it, he’ll deliver… no matter what. he won’t hound me. he won’t be critical of me. he just lets me take care of things. he gives me advice on my children when i ask. he doesn’t force me. that would never work for me… but you’d be surprised at the people that you bring into your life that expect you to take their advice. and make sure you hear their opinion.

he has a great family. they’ve stayed married, his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. they live close to each other. they do things together. they’re inviting. they’re welcoming. i love them.

i’m a strong girl. i’ve been doing this for a while. i know that i can handle almost anything this situation throws my way… sometimes, i doubt my own ability… so i write. i write because it helps me at home. i get it out… the frustration, the worry, the bad days. i get them out here. so that i can go home to my family. rejuvenated, ready, a little bit relaxed. it doesn’t always work. teens have a way of really pushing your buttons.

my son is smart, insightful, caring, etc. he’s a wonderful child. he’s always taking care of me. he gets to be a child for sure. at home, he’s my little gentleman. i’m working on getting him ‘trained’ to be a solid man. and every single second, he’s always good to me. getting his schoolwork on track, not so much. we’re definitely working on that… sometimes i think working in the wrong direction… but definitely working on it.

being a single mom… not easy. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. but… i’m happy with the me that i’ve become and all that i’ve overcome.

wish i didn’t…

September 17, 2012 1 comment

i wish it was a thought that never crossed my mind.  but it does.  more than i would ever want.  he apologized.   he promised it was over.  i forgave him.  after all, it only amounted to some photo sharing/conversations, or that’s as much as i’ve gathered.

trust is a funny thing.  you start with a clean slate.  you can’t remove the damage.  it’s like each little slip-up is recorded in sharpie. sure, you can scratch it out.  try your damnedest to remove it… but all in all.  it’s there.  it happened.  so each time you come across that corner of the board, you know it.  you feel it. you think it could be returning.  the fact is, i will never know.  never.  i have to sit here and believe, have faith.  that yeah, we laid this issue to rest.  it’s over.  he loves me.  i’m more important than this.  do i believe it.  sure, i do.  i don’t think that it’s his love for me that’s in question. in his mind, i’m 100% confident that i’m who he thinks he’s looking for… but do i think he truly believes that this was a big deal… no, he doesn’t.  he probably thinks i over-reacted since nothing actually happened.  but i know how things work.  i understand that these things don’t start out at full throttle.  they start out small.  then, before you know it, these pics and conversations are visits.  it’s never enough.  it’s more exciting each time.  with each little conversation, each little memory… you’re building on something, whether you want to or not.  it happens.  girls aren’t emotionless.  this girl cares.  maybe he doesn’t.  she does.  she will.  this will grow past it’s start.

the part that bothers me… is yeah, fuck it, i caught this early.  sure, it’s over.  but when things suck.  when our relationship hits a lull or we don’t see each other as often… what then?  i will worry.  i won’t want to but i will.  i’ll care, i’ll exaggerate things.  i will.  i’ll be upset.  i’ll be irrational.  i’ll cry about it.  i’ll worry.  me, this girl.  i’ll be sad about it.  i won’t say anything but i won’t be okay with it.

and, you know, there probably won’t be anything going on… i never imagined it before… but now i’ve seen pics… i’ve seen conversations.  i’ve seen plans for trips.  i’ve seen it!  i can’t take that back.  i can’t.  it’s stuck in my mind as a gentle reminder that faithful to me is very different from your version.  how could you.  you ruined this.  i loved you.

i’m trying to forgive and move forward. i’m trying to pretend i’m happy.  i’m trying to forget this ever happened.  with this sickness in my tummy on the daily… and this lump in my throat… these tears in my mind.  one day i won’t.

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