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bitter… yeah, you bet i am. dad? what the fuck does that mean.

September 12, 2012 Leave a comment

i deal with the missing homework. i leave work early to pick him up after school when he needs to stay after… hoping and praying that although my irresponsible son did this to me again this week…  i hope that i have a job to go back to.  i deal with the raising him part.  i deal with making sure he’s respectful to others and does his chores.  i make sure that he gets the childrearing he needs. i don’t just play with him and make sure i’m the coolest dad in the world.  i fucking teach him.  i lead him.  i direct his every move.  what do you do????  what do you really do?  how are you impacting this young man to make sure that when it’s his turn to lead, he does it.  taking full responsibility.  how do you actually mold him?

you know, it’s easy for you.  you have him every other weekend or only when you want him.  you go out to dinner with him.  you play video games with him.  maybe watch some games while he’s at your house.  feed yourself and him breakfast.  do you talk to his teachers and couselor to make sure that he’s on track?  do you deal with these anger episodes and try to ensure that he has a way to deal with him on his own so that as he grows he knows more self control.

do you even fucking think about it?  no, you don’t.  you don’t give a shit about that.  if i threaten josh to call you because you’re his dad and it worries josh… he knows i can’t do it.  i can’t call you because instead of dealing with a problem with your son like a reasonable adult, you blame me or his sister.  you attack us.  the ones who are leading this family.  who take full charge while you kick back and take the good.

well, guess what?  those days are numbered for you. do i feel bad that i’m finally going to get some of my independence back. hell no, i don’t.  and i don’t care how getting the child support that is/has been your financial responsiblity affects your life.  ‘i won’t be able to afford to live’.  what the fuck do you think i’ve been doing?  how do i make things work?  what do you think that i do?

he says to me, mom, why do you get so angry at me all of the time. every single thing that i do wrong… what this poor little cutie doesn’t realize… this is supposed to be two people.  two people make a set of parents.  not one.  dad is more than i have him every other weekend.  it’s getting involved.  getting him involved.  keeping him active.  keeping him focused.  keeping him on track to becoming a man.  i don’t know the first thing about it.  it’s teaching him that there’s a time and a place to just man-up.  no excuses.

i’m frustrated, bitter, irritated, unsure of how to do, how to make sure that i’m doing the right things for my son.  i’ll do my best. like always.  but this has never been easy.

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Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

i see my son… laying in the corner of my living room… on a mattress. our only piece of furniture since 6/1/12. he didn’t sign up for this. he is a good kid. i am a good mom. we used to be a good family. a while back. now what do we do? pass the time. literally, that’s it. no more walks on the plaza. no more quiktrip runs. no more starbucks, trips to the park, road trips, etc. no more visiting art museums or watching movies at crown center. no more ice skating. stuff we used to do… that he was too young to honestly even remember. no more dinners out. no more ordering off anything other than a dollar menu. nothing. we do nothing.
we can’t. it’s sucks but it’s a fact. we can’t do a fucking thing. i mean, literally. every week, my new friend at work asks me to lunch or drinks. and God i want to… i really do. i used to do that stuff. i used to have fun. i used to smile about stuff. now i’m frozen. i can’t move. i can’t do anything. i have things to do but i can’t do them. i just waste the time like it’s infinitely replacable. like, shit, who even fucking cares. i don’t. why does it matter if i spend 6 hrs writing my stupid blog. or updating fb. or checking my bank account… although, there is no way, that there would be any change. i wish. i wish by some stroke of luck, i’d have a friendly deposit of $50 to get me through this week. my work schedule is too flexible. sure, it’s great but since i’ve started, i’ve worked under 32 hrs/wk. because i can. i’m hourly… and i’ve been told that i can come and go as i please… so i do… which costs me and my inflexible budget. it makes it all very unmanageable. it’s exactly why i can’t make it. i can’t do it because of me. it’s all my fault. i did this. i take full responsbility. i’ve changed my childrens’ lives for the worse. i’m in debt to my daughter over a grand. it’s my fault. i borrowed from my kid to support us. everything i’m strongly against. i’ve done it. i’ve used a credit card for the first time ever… because i had to. i had no choice. i’ve disappointed my dad. i feel good about my choices but he doesn’t understand. i’ve ruined my relationship with my brother. when i came back from FL and saw him at my daughter’s grad. all i had to do was to have my shit together. but instead more fucking drama. more police trouble. just to further confirm his belief that i’m a piece of shit unworthy of a second chance.
i’m not. i know who i am. i feel good about me… but if you lay it all out there. what i’ve been through. it’s a lot. it’s a lot to lookover. it’s a lot to say… well, it’s not her fault. she was just trying anything to make her situation better. i don’t need anyone to understand my journey. i know where i’ve been. i’m proud of me. i have the strong support people that i need in my life. they’re exactly where i need them to be. right beside me. i know that they are confident in me. they know that i am doing my best. and it hasn’t been easy. i have not just floundered around aimlessly. this is far more calculated than that. i am a planner. i plan everything. every single step.
one day, it’ll come together. i’m almost there. i know my family will eventually see… but in that day will i accept it? will i be bitter because when i was truly down they didn’t support me? absolutely. i know who my support people are. more often than not, they aren’t family. there are only a few.

less than a month… i feel… renewed… rejuvenated

i’m almost there… what will i do with this newfound freedom? work harder, create a new list of personal goals, enjoy things, travel, put family first work second, do what i love every single second.
that’s what i’ll do… sounds crazy that i’ve really spent the past 4 yrs just making it through… just pushing past every paycheck… to the next. deciding… hmmm. what will we not be able to afford with this one. finally free of that stress.
file bankruptcy. that’s #1 on my list. end this. i want a phone number free of collection calls, i want decent credit that i’ve now destroyed.
i don’t regret a single thing… but i won’t mind walking away from all of this. i’m a microsecond away from a heart attack, i’m sure of it.
i want to go to games with my son. i want to enjoy brunch with my family on Sunday mornings. i want coffee in the morning on a patio. i want to run with my puppy free of worry.
these are my dreams. normal, everyday life. that’s what i need. no more pressure. no more stress. a smarter start.

today… an all new outlook. well, maybe it’s the same… just a little more clearly defined.

I took today off of work.  because I needed the day.  I needed to gather my thoughts.  Correct my attitude and face this head on working on my goals. I know I’m a positive person.  I’m strong.  I just need to go back to my start.  When this all began.  Who am I?  What makes me content?  What keeps me moving forward?  I need to stop thinking that I may run my car into a tree… because it’s starting to sound reasonable to me.  It’s causing me to lose my focus and it’s affecting my family.

So, today… I took the day off at work.  I made my son and I pancakes with what we had to cook.  I made coffee.  I sat on the patio.  Then, off to the library.  I need to be inspired. I want to read about others that want to go further.  Do big things.  Or maybe have done them with opposition not far behind them.  I want to read about women who really just did it.  Just really pushed through and got ahead.  I’m not looking to advance at work… I’m just looking to become a leader.  To do something with my life.  Something that I’m proud of.  Keep my family on track.  Be someone active in my community.  I’m working on it.  I know I can do it.  I will. 

So, here we go… wish me luck. 

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