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Posts Tagged ‘strength’

guest appearance on another blog… i’m in… well, maybe soon. http://mssinglemama.com/

September 27, 2012 Leave a comment

she said it. be positive… be engaging. i can do that. i’m a champ. i want to tell people all of the great things that i’ve learned being a single mom. you know what i’m in the best place i can possibly be positioned right this second.  i can do this.

me… yes, me. i’ve repaired things with him. exactly what i need and want. i’m working on getting my teenager on track at school. we have a real plan. and it will work. it will take time. i have to work hard to get him to stay on course. i can do this. my daughter… you know i’m struggling with that. we’ve always been very close but letting her live her life on her own… i’ll tell you… it’s not easy. it’s not easy watching her make mistakes and try to learn how to be responsible. i’ve given her the tools to work with… it’s hard watching her not use them. but i’m doing it. i’m getting it all figured out. i’m letting her do this on her own. i don’t want to… not a single bit… but i’m supportive. i love her. i’m there like i need to be.

the best thing about being a single mom for me… and the worst. i get to make all of the decisions. i’m the go-to person for my family. i love that i don’t have to ‘agree’. i don’t have to ‘compromise’. i don’t have to do anything someone else’s way. it’s nice. i mean, don’t get me wrong… i’d LOVE a partner. i really would. i need one. i need someone to hold my hand through this.

i may have found him. he’s really great. sure, we’ve had some problems. i’ve aired them when i probably shouldn’t have. but overall, he’s the best thing to ever happen to me. he includes my son at dinners with his friends and plays video games with him. he talks to him. he makes sure that i’m around. he knows that i’m a lil tricky… you can’t always just ask me to do stuff… you have to include me. you have to make sure i’m involved. i’m busy… i stay really busy. so, he says, do you want to go running after work with me today. after that, let’s go to the store to grab a few things for dinner. he knows… that’s the only way to keep me out of my normal routine of just doing my thing. he makes sure i’m around. because he has to. because he wants to. because he loves me.

he’s good for me… and he’s good to me. he keeps me grounded. he pushes me, gently. i’m a little bit of a hard person to agree with every now and again… he never gets me to that point. we’re only six months in… but i’m telling you… he’s the closest thing i’ve ever had to perfect. he’s never really struggled but he gets it. he doesn’t judge my decisions. he saves me when i need it, without a single hesitation. financially, i do my own thing but he always catches my falls without any questions. if i need it, he’ll deliver… no matter what. he won’t hound me. he won’t be critical of me. he just lets me take care of things. he gives me advice on my children when i ask. he doesn’t force me. that would never work for me… but you’d be surprised at the people that you bring into your life that expect you to take their advice. and make sure you hear their opinion.

he has a great family. they’ve stayed married, his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. they live close to each other. they do things together. they’re inviting. they’re welcoming. i love them.

i’m a strong girl. i’ve been doing this for a while. i know that i can handle almost anything this situation throws my way… sometimes, i doubt my own ability… so i write. i write because it helps me at home. i get it out… the frustration, the worry, the bad days. i get them out here. so that i can go home to my family. rejuvenated, ready, a little bit relaxed. it doesn’t always work. teens have a way of really pushing your buttons.

my son is smart, insightful, caring, etc. he’s a wonderful child. he’s always taking care of me. he gets to be a child for sure. at home, he’s my little gentleman. i’m working on getting him ‘trained’ to be a solid man. and every single second, he’s always good to me. getting his schoolwork on track, not so much. we’re definitely working on that… sometimes i think working in the wrong direction… but definitely working on it.

being a single mom… not easy. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. but… i’m happy with the me that i’ve become and all that i’ve overcome.

last night. a reminder… that i need out of this. i want & need it.

i look at my phone after i get home from a busy day of hunting for a tent/cooler for the float trip this weekend… i have a text message from my phone provider, virgin mobile.  it’s after 11pm so i the office is closed… and they’ve shutoff my phone.

normally, not  a big deal, obviously a computer problem on their end…

but instead… i get upset.  sort of a tantrum really.  you know, i’ve been through a lot lately.  i’ve reached a breaking point.  this one stupid little thing could just be it.  the one thing to really throw me over the edge.  look, we already have it bad enough.  i don’t have my own bed.  we don’t have anything we need. this phone was a saving grace for me. honestly, probably shouldn’t have paid the bill.  but i did.  i paid it so that i could have this one thing.  communication.   with the people that matter to me.  the people that just really hold my hand through this whole mess.  honestly, they probably don’t even know who they are… they probably have no idea that they keep me going.

poor Joshua, he doesn’t deserve this.  his mom is a mess, she can’t handle it.  i just don’t know how to keep this going.  i’ll be fine.  we’ll be fine.  but even the smallest thing that rocks my boat… throws me into uncontrollable fits.  i could not stop crying.  i just can’t figure one more thing out. i need my budget to go exactly as planned. not one more bump.  i don’t have any other way.  i need this float trip. i need this road trip out of here.  i can’t handle no phone for this period.  i can’t handle a flat tire… i can’t handle one more thing.  nothing. i need it to just work.  as planned.

maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  my phone plan did end 8/27.  now it’s extended to 9/7 because it was virgin mobile’s mistake.  i really wouldn’t have been able to pay it then anyway.  now it’s closer to my next payday 9/10.

i’m really not trying to be a baby… i’m really trying to keep it together.  i’m so close.  i think i’ll feel rejuvenated after this trip.  i’m sure i’ll be on track emotionally.

prayer: please help me to focus. help me to ward off the little bumps.  i can do this.  i know i can.  i just can’t do it without you.

gracious receiver… yeah, i can do that.

my grandma always said… be a gracious receiver.  my uncle wanted to pay for my college… i wouldn’t accept.  knowing what i know now… i know i did the right thing.  it was a nice guesture but i fully appreciate what i’ve put into my unfinished education.  i’m mostly finished with my bachelor’s degree but i know where/why i fell short.  i appreciate the financial impact and toll it had on my family.  i did waste a little bit of funding from our government… but not without consequence. 

this week was extremely tough for me.  i finally admitted it.  i accepted that i finally reached the point that i could no longer go without assistance.  i called a food pantry.  the well finally ran dry.  i’m less than 30 days from my last rent payment and i actually ran short.  my next pay day is Fri but it’ll be Overland Park rent & car payment.  Again.  Almost there but not quite close enough.  i walked into the church to see how they could help.  they packed an amazing grocery cart for josh and i.  thank God!  i knew there was no way that we would make it through the week.  a nice old gentleman pushed the cart out to my car and gently helped me unload.  and i thought… this is what we’ve packed at Harvester’s.  am i really in that bad of shape?  i felt guilty for taking from someone worse off.  but in reality… we really truly needed the food.  it’s awful it’s embarrassing.  it makes me feel inadequate, like a failure.  but it’s true. we need it.  we took it.  we had to.

josh said, mom maybe you can volunteer here after we get in better shape.  he is exactly right.  i have a real passion for helping others in my community.  i’ve been helping at the shepard’s center of raytown for years but i can no longer meet the schedule needed to really help out.  this is exactly what i’ll do.  help others. work with the elderly… it’s perfect… besides, they helped me when i was completely my personal worst. 

i’ve definitely reached my personal worst but i’m thankful for all of the times that i’ve made it through.  it’s been hard and if these last less than 30 are the worst of it… i feel really great about where i’m headed.  i can handle this.  but i’ll definitely make some changes now that financially i can.  i’m going to live a little more that’s for sure.  life isn’t going to keep passing me by.  i’ve earned a reprieve. 

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

i see my son… laying in the corner of my living room… on a mattress. our only piece of furniture since 6/1/12. he didn’t sign up for this. he is a good kid. i am a good mom. we used to be a good family. a while back. now what do we do? pass the time. literally, that’s it. no more walks on the plaza. no more quiktrip runs. no more starbucks, trips to the park, road trips, etc. no more visiting art museums or watching movies at crown center. no more ice skating. stuff we used to do… that he was too young to honestly even remember. no more dinners out. no more ordering off anything other than a dollar menu. nothing. we do nothing.
we can’t. it’s sucks but it’s a fact. we can’t do a fucking thing. i mean, literally. every week, my new friend at work asks me to lunch or drinks. and God i want to… i really do. i used to do that stuff. i used to have fun. i used to smile about stuff. now i’m frozen. i can’t move. i can’t do anything. i have things to do but i can’t do them. i just waste the time like it’s infinitely replacable. like, shit, who even fucking cares. i don’t. why does it matter if i spend 6 hrs writing my stupid blog. or updating fb. or checking my bank account… although, there is no way, that there would be any change. i wish. i wish by some stroke of luck, i’d have a friendly deposit of $50 to get me through this week. my work schedule is too flexible. sure, it’s great but since i’ve started, i’ve worked under 32 hrs/wk. because i can. i’m hourly… and i’ve been told that i can come and go as i please… so i do… which costs me and my inflexible budget. it makes it all very unmanageable. it’s exactly why i can’t make it. i can’t do it because of me. it’s all my fault. i did this. i take full responsbility. i’ve changed my childrens’ lives for the worse. i’m in debt to my daughter over a grand. it’s my fault. i borrowed from my kid to support us. everything i’m strongly against. i’ve done it. i’ve used a credit card for the first time ever… because i had to. i had no choice. i’ve disappointed my dad. i feel good about my choices but he doesn’t understand. i’ve ruined my relationship with my brother. when i came back from FL and saw him at my daughter’s grad. all i had to do was to have my shit together. but instead more fucking drama. more police trouble. just to further confirm his belief that i’m a piece of shit unworthy of a second chance.
i’m not. i know who i am. i feel good about me… but if you lay it all out there. what i’ve been through. it’s a lot. it’s a lot to lookover. it’s a lot to say… well, it’s not her fault. she was just trying anything to make her situation better. i don’t need anyone to understand my journey. i know where i’ve been. i’m proud of me. i have the strong support people that i need in my life. they’re exactly where i need them to be. right beside me. i know that they are confident in me. they know that i am doing my best. and it hasn’t been easy. i have not just floundered around aimlessly. this is far more calculated than that. i am a planner. i plan everything. every single step.
one day, it’ll come together. i’m almost there. i know my family will eventually see… but in that day will i accept it? will i be bitter because when i was truly down they didn’t support me? absolutely. i know who my support people are. more often than not, they aren’t family. there are only a few.

less than a month… i feel… renewed… rejuvenated

i’m almost there… what will i do with this newfound freedom? work harder, create a new list of personal goals, enjoy things, travel, put family first work second, do what i love every single second.
that’s what i’ll do… sounds crazy that i’ve really spent the past 4 yrs just making it through… just pushing past every paycheck… to the next. deciding… hmmm. what will we not be able to afford with this one. finally free of that stress.
file bankruptcy. that’s #1 on my list. end this. i want a phone number free of collection calls, i want decent credit that i’ve now destroyed.
i don’t regret a single thing… but i won’t mind walking away from all of this. i’m a microsecond away from a heart attack, i’m sure of it.
i want to go to games with my son. i want to enjoy brunch with my family on Sunday mornings. i want coffee in the morning on a patio. i want to run with my puppy free of worry.
these are my dreams. normal, everyday life. that’s what i need. no more pressure. no more stress. a smarter start.

today… an all new outlook. well, maybe it’s the same… just a little more clearly defined.

I took today off of work.  because I needed the day.  I needed to gather my thoughts.  Correct my attitude and face this head on working on my goals. I know I’m a positive person.  I’m strong.  I just need to go back to my start.  When this all began.  Who am I?  What makes me content?  What keeps me moving forward?  I need to stop thinking that I may run my car into a tree… because it’s starting to sound reasonable to me.  It’s causing me to lose my focus and it’s affecting my family.

So, today… I took the day off at work.  I made my son and I pancakes with what we had to cook.  I made coffee.  I sat on the patio.  Then, off to the library.  I need to be inspired. I want to read about others that want to go further.  Do big things.  Or maybe have done them with opposition not far behind them.  I want to read about women who really just did it.  Just really pushed through and got ahead.  I’m not looking to advance at work… I’m just looking to become a leader.  To do something with my life.  Something that I’m proud of.  Keep my family on track.  Be someone active in my community.  I’m working on it.  I know I can do it.  I will. 

So, here we go… wish me luck. 

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