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Posts Tagged ‘tough choices’

empty-nester day #1 (more like the week in review)

February 6, 2013 Leave a comment

so, yesterday was a big day… i’m the girl in the empty house.  i’m not thrilled about it.  it’s not exactly where i want to be.  i’m not sure exactly how to handle all of this.

here’s what happened… this weekend, i finally decided yes, it’s time to get joshua to the boarding/college prep school.  he’s definitely not going to get what he needs from me.  it’s depressing.  i feel like a failure.  how can i, me??? not be the best thing for my son right now?  i’m just not reaching him.  it’s out of my control.  it’s joshua.  he’s just not listening.  he’s a good kid.  he just doesn’t get it.  no matter what anyone says… he isn’t going to do the right thing under my supervision.  period.  it’s not going to happen.  i’ve tried everything.  so, on the brink of losing my job, i’m relinquishing all control to a school.  this is scary.  i hope it works.  i hope that i look back on this experience and think… yes!  he did it.  i knew he could.  he just needed another avenue.  another step that i wasn’t able to provide.  structure with close supervision. 

where does this leave me? alone. sad. feeling unfit. i’ll rise above this.  i know i will.  for now, i’ll just be as positive as i can be.  i’ll workout to exhaust myself so that at the end of the day, i actually want to sleep… and maybe i’ll even be sort of ‘in shape’.  i’ll spend time with tori while she’s under my roof again.  i’ll take runs with lily in the evening.  i guess i’ll take roxy too.  i’ll fill up the weekdays with working out, cooking, and family until the weekend.  then i’ll visit. i’ll visit my lil boo.  whom i miss so very much.  who really isn’t so little anymore.  i’m excited to see him blossom into a man and hopefully my gentleman training will have helped a little. 

i will grow a garden. that will be my project… a beautiful flower garden and vegetable garden that i’ve always wanted.

i will travel to see my family who will hold me together while i am broken.  travel to all of our spots, chicago, LA, little rock, etc. i’ll be visiting the people who care about me unconditionally.  i’ll be putting my mind at ease and piecing together the brokenness that i feel from an empty home. i wonder if there is anyone that is going through the same thing as me. is there one single person whose gone down this path.  i wish i could see into the future.  see myself put back together.  see a me that i’m proud of.  see my son grown and successful in whatever that may look like for him.

maybe i’ll foster parent or at least look into it.  i want to have children around me.  a friend suggested PTA but i don’t know if that’s what i’m looking for.  maybe in Aug, i’ll volunteer at CASA again.  maybe i’ll volunteer at Big Brother/Big Sister. 

i’m sure that i’ll get more comfortable with this whole situation soon… hopefully.

Categories: my life Tags: , ,

i envision this… is how my life could be 2013

December 8, 2012 Leave a comment

here i am… on the brink of discovery.  the brink of a new year.  better financial positioning.  smaller family at home.  more freedom.  more options.

i’m going to live small.  eliminate payments.  let go of the debt that i accumulated in all of the years of my struggle.  i want to be free of all of this.  bankruptcy… it’s not an easy choice but it’s my next move.  i have to.

this is what i look forward to enjoying this yr:

a trip a month.

a hobby. travel. dance lessons. trip(s) abroad. more devoted in my faith, involved in the salvation army. getting josh on track with athletic activities. savings setup (goal: 10k).

places on my list this yr:

Colorado Springs, CO, visit Amanda… maybe (spring)

Phoenix, AZ, visit Adrian (spring)

Atlanta, GA, visit Jillian (spring)

Los Angeles,CA, visit stepdad (summer)

Brodheadsville, PA, visit Christopher’s family (summer)

Canada, bf’s family annual trip (summer)

Dallas, TX, visit Tim & family (fall)

Jacksonville, AR, visit grandma & Beth/Vince (fall)

Lombard, IL, visit aunt & uncle/fave cousin (winter)

i want to take salsa & swing dancing lessons. i want to go on foodspotting trips.  i want to go on winery tours.  i want to visit my friend Dave in Toronto.

my key words this year are: stay.  stay in this shitty city that i hate because it’s best for Josh. explore.  do what i want for myself.  for once, i’ll enjoy some selfish wants. volunteer.  do for others.  i love it. i need it.  i used to make it a priority.

live better.  love easier.  grow farther.

failing… at least, that’s how it feels…

November 10, 2012 Leave a comment

you know… i know they’re good.  they don’t come with instructions.  i have no idea what i’m doing.  none.

i thought boys ‘were easy… not the case.  he’s failing.  he doesn’t care.  he’s a growing a boy who needs direction. i’m not the right person to lead him.  i have no idea what the hell i’m doing.  i’m a girl.  100% girl.  she was easy… i knew exactly how to lead her.  i knew every answer to how she was feeling or how she should behave.  you know, maybe she didn’t listen. but i said with confidence answers that i felt good about… things i knew made sense.  how do i do that same thing for him?  he’s not the same.  it’s not the same.  i don’t know.  i truly don’t know a single thing about boys. i know how to show him how to be a gentleman.  i’ve got that down… i can do ‘gentleman training’ all day long… but what else?  i mean, i don’t know how to make sure he’s an average young man or better than that really…  i don’t know how to know what is wrong…

i feel like i’m failing as a parent… my most important job… my favorite thing in the world… and after all is said and done… i don’t think i did it right.  sure, she’s probably gonna be fine but i don’t think i gave her enough direction.  i really don’t think i did what i should’ve done… i wish i’d have known…

maybe the years will pass and i won’t regret a single thing.   maybe i’ll see that… hmmm…. look lady you did this.  you raised these good people.  they are honest.  they are hard-working.  they are frugal.  they work for what they want/need.  they don’t settle.  she is strong.  stronger than you ever were at her age… it’s a great thing.  it’s so good where she’s headed and been.  she didn’t struggle as much as you. this is a very important piece.  she learned when you weren’t teaching.  he respects you.  he knows you tried your best.  he probably knew you were clueless but look at him now… he’s a man.  he takes care of things without a moment’s hesitation.  because he should.  because he needs to.  because he’s supposed to… i’m proud of him.  he’s accomplished.  he’s working on his dreams.

i hope that’s the case.  i’m hopeful that with all of my faults and uncertainty… i still manage to keep our family close.  i hope that i can keep them close to me and hold them accountable for doing the right thing without asking… sort of the way he does this for me.  he makes me think about my choices.  he doesn’t make a big deal about it.  he just makes a comment that i’ll take with me far after the moment has passed…. it’ll set in.  he probably didn’t mean what i take it for… but it works for me.  it’s non-threatening.  not judgmental in any way.  it’s just a gentle nudge in the direction that i need.  that’s what i need to do for them.  maybe i already do.  i try to lead by example.  i try to do the right thing when i can.  i hope they see that.  i’m sure they do.  i’m sure they know that when i know i’ve done things that i could’ve done better… i try to make it right… no matter what.

i feel like i’m failing.  but i’m sure that it’s just this part.  the part i dreaded.  freshman yr.  get me out of here…. i’ll stay positive.  i’ll try to not mess this up.

 

 

disappoinment… but this is my life… and i’m where i need to be.

August 16, 2012 Leave a comment

i hear the disappointment in his voice… not over what i’ve said… but stuff i haven’t.  but, in reality, i’m proud of me.  sure, i struggled.  sure, he helped.  he really helped.  he’s done his fair share.  he’s drawn the line in the sand.  i get it.  he feels used.  it’s stupid.  fucking stupid.  hey p.s. i started a business four years ago to be with my family more.  i was missing everything.  i wasn’t able to be a mom that i needed to be.  it didn’t work.  it didn’t work because i spent more time focused on the business than on the only thing that i really give a shit about.  you, of all people, should understand how tough that is.  instead, you bash me.  you ignore me. when i’ve finally reached a good place and set all of that behind me.  you’re my fucking dad.  you’re supposed to suck it up and stick by me.  i’m not a criminal for Christ’s sake.  it’s all related to a lack of funding.  that’s it.  nothing else.  you and grandma saying that stuff, acting like i have an alcohol problem.  what is wrong with you?  if either of you took the time to actually spend time with me, you’d realize how ridiculous that is.

i’m a good person.  i’m happy with the things i’ve done… i feel good about who i am as a person.  but here i am… writing off another unsupportive family member.  it’s okay.  i’ve known it all along.  you’re the one person who always makes me feel like shit.  you always have that ‘i’m right about everything’ tone.  that you really just do it better.  well, look at you, you’re not perfect.  if you’re mom hadn’t saved your ass all of those years, where would u be?  does she do this to you?  no, she doesn’t… i know firsthand.

to those who’ve turned their backs on me:  i’m in a great place now.  i’m right where i need to be.  i can actually afford to collect my life and move forward.  for once, i’m able to do the things that i know make sense.

the life of the single mom, completely on her own is not easy.  sure, he’s paid for shit.  so what.  i mean, really in the whole scheme of things, his one part, while very necessary and i’m truly grateful, was optional.  my piece in this… never has been.  i do this, i live this, i make every decision… i alone live with the consequences.

 

last night. a reminder… that i need out of this. i want & need it.

i look at my phone after i get home from a busy day of hunting for a tent/cooler for the float trip this weekend… i have a text message from my phone provider, virgin mobile.  it’s after 11pm so i the office is closed… and they’ve shutoff my phone.

normally, not  a big deal, obviously a computer problem on their end…

but instead… i get upset.  sort of a tantrum really.  you know, i’ve been through a lot lately.  i’ve reached a breaking point.  this one stupid little thing could just be it.  the one thing to really throw me over the edge.  look, we already have it bad enough.  i don’t have my own bed.  we don’t have anything we need. this phone was a saving grace for me. honestly, probably shouldn’t have paid the bill.  but i did.  i paid it so that i could have this one thing.  communication.   with the people that matter to me.  the people that just really hold my hand through this whole mess.  honestly, they probably don’t even know who they are… they probably have no idea that they keep me going.

poor Joshua, he doesn’t deserve this.  his mom is a mess, she can’t handle it.  i just don’t know how to keep this going.  i’ll be fine.  we’ll be fine.  but even the smallest thing that rocks my boat… throws me into uncontrollable fits.  i could not stop crying.  i just can’t figure one more thing out. i need my budget to go exactly as planned. not one more bump.  i don’t have any other way.  i need this float trip. i need this road trip out of here.  i can’t handle no phone for this period.  i can’t handle a flat tire… i can’t handle one more thing.  nothing. i need it to just work.  as planned.

maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  my phone plan did end 8/27.  now it’s extended to 9/7 because it was virgin mobile’s mistake.  i really wouldn’t have been able to pay it then anyway.  now it’s closer to my next payday 9/10.

i’m really not trying to be a baby… i’m really trying to keep it together.  i’m so close.  i think i’ll feel rejuvenated after this trip.  i’m sure i’ll be on track emotionally.

prayer: please help me to focus. help me to ward off the little bumps.  i can do this.  i know i can.  i just can’t do it without you.

gracious receiver… yeah, i can do that.

my grandma always said… be a gracious receiver.  my uncle wanted to pay for my college… i wouldn’t accept.  knowing what i know now… i know i did the right thing.  it was a nice guesture but i fully appreciate what i’ve put into my unfinished education.  i’m mostly finished with my bachelor’s degree but i know where/why i fell short.  i appreciate the financial impact and toll it had on my family.  i did waste a little bit of funding from our government… but not without consequence. 

this week was extremely tough for me.  i finally admitted it.  i accepted that i finally reached the point that i could no longer go without assistance.  i called a food pantry.  the well finally ran dry.  i’m less than 30 days from my last rent payment and i actually ran short.  my next pay day is Fri but it’ll be Overland Park rent & car payment.  Again.  Almost there but not quite close enough.  i walked into the church to see how they could help.  they packed an amazing grocery cart for josh and i.  thank God!  i knew there was no way that we would make it through the week.  a nice old gentleman pushed the cart out to my car and gently helped me unload.  and i thought… this is what we’ve packed at Harvester’s.  am i really in that bad of shape?  i felt guilty for taking from someone worse off.  but in reality… we really truly needed the food.  it’s awful it’s embarrassing.  it makes me feel inadequate, like a failure.  but it’s true. we need it.  we took it.  we had to.

josh said, mom maybe you can volunteer here after we get in better shape.  he is exactly right.  i have a real passion for helping others in my community.  i’ve been helping at the shepard’s center of raytown for years but i can no longer meet the schedule needed to really help out.  this is exactly what i’ll do.  help others. work with the elderly… it’s perfect… besides, they helped me when i was completely my personal worst. 

i’ve definitely reached my personal worst but i’m thankful for all of the times that i’ve made it through.  it’s been hard and if these last less than 30 are the worst of it… i feel really great about where i’m headed.  i can handle this.  but i’ll definitely make some changes now that financially i can.  i’m going to live a little more that’s for sure.  life isn’t going to keep passing me by.  i’ve earned a reprieve. 

Categories: my life Tags: , , ,

he doesn’t deserve it…. and neither did she

i see my son… laying in the corner of my living room… on a mattress. our only piece of furniture since 6/1/12. he didn’t sign up for this. he is a good kid. i am a good mom. we used to be a good family. a while back. now what do we do? pass the time. literally, that’s it. no more walks on the plaza. no more quiktrip runs. no more starbucks, trips to the park, road trips, etc. no more visiting art museums or watching movies at crown center. no more ice skating. stuff we used to do… that he was too young to honestly even remember. no more dinners out. no more ordering off anything other than a dollar menu. nothing. we do nothing.
we can’t. it’s sucks but it’s a fact. we can’t do a fucking thing. i mean, literally. every week, my new friend at work asks me to lunch or drinks. and God i want to… i really do. i used to do that stuff. i used to have fun. i used to smile about stuff. now i’m frozen. i can’t move. i can’t do anything. i have things to do but i can’t do them. i just waste the time like it’s infinitely replacable. like, shit, who even fucking cares. i don’t. why does it matter if i spend 6 hrs writing my stupid blog. or updating fb. or checking my bank account… although, there is no way, that there would be any change. i wish. i wish by some stroke of luck, i’d have a friendly deposit of $50 to get me through this week. my work schedule is too flexible. sure, it’s great but since i’ve started, i’ve worked under 32 hrs/wk. because i can. i’m hourly… and i’ve been told that i can come and go as i please… so i do… which costs me and my inflexible budget. it makes it all very unmanageable. it’s exactly why i can’t make it. i can’t do it because of me. it’s all my fault. i did this. i take full responsbility. i’ve changed my childrens’ lives for the worse. i’m in debt to my daughter over a grand. it’s my fault. i borrowed from my kid to support us. everything i’m strongly against. i’ve done it. i’ve used a credit card for the first time ever… because i had to. i had no choice. i’ve disappointed my dad. i feel good about my choices but he doesn’t understand. i’ve ruined my relationship with my brother. when i came back from FL and saw him at my daughter’s grad. all i had to do was to have my shit together. but instead more fucking drama. more police trouble. just to further confirm his belief that i’m a piece of shit unworthy of a second chance.
i’m not. i know who i am. i feel good about me… but if you lay it all out there. what i’ve been through. it’s a lot. it’s a lot to lookover. it’s a lot to say… well, it’s not her fault. she was just trying anything to make her situation better. i don’t need anyone to understand my journey. i know where i’ve been. i’m proud of me. i have the strong support people that i need in my life. they’re exactly where i need them to be. right beside me. i know that they are confident in me. they know that i am doing my best. and it hasn’t been easy. i have not just floundered around aimlessly. this is far more calculated than that. i am a planner. i plan everything. every single step.
one day, it’ll come together. i’m almost there. i know my family will eventually see… but in that day will i accept it? will i be bitter because when i was truly down they didn’t support me? absolutely. i know who my support people are. more often than not, they aren’t family. there are only a few.

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