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Posts Tagged ‘trust’

wish i didn’t…

September 17, 2012 1 comment

i wish it was a thought that never crossed my mind.  but it does.  more than i would ever want.  he apologized.   he promised it was over.  i forgave him.  after all, it only amounted to some photo sharing/conversations, or that’s as much as i’ve gathered.

trust is a funny thing.  you start with a clean slate.  you can’t remove the damage.  it’s like each little slip-up is recorded in sharpie. sure, you can scratch it out.  try your damnedest to remove it… but all in all.  it’s there.  it happened.  so each time you come across that corner of the board, you know it.  you feel it. you think it could be returning.  the fact is, i will never know.  never.  i have to sit here and believe, have faith.  that yeah, we laid this issue to rest.  it’s over.  he loves me.  i’m more important than this.  do i believe it.  sure, i do.  i don’t think that it’s his love for me that’s in question. in his mind, i’m 100% confident that i’m who he thinks he’s looking for… but do i think he truly believes that this was a big deal… no, he doesn’t.  he probably thinks i over-reacted since nothing actually happened.  but i know how things work.  i understand that these things don’t start out at full throttle.  they start out small.  then, before you know it, these pics and conversations are visits.  it’s never enough.  it’s more exciting each time.  with each little conversation, each little memory… you’re building on something, whether you want to or not.  it happens.  girls aren’t emotionless.  this girl cares.  maybe he doesn’t.  she does.  she will.  this will grow past it’s start.

the part that bothers me… is yeah, fuck it, i caught this early.  sure, it’s over.  but when things suck.  when our relationship hits a lull or we don’t see each other as often… what then?  i will worry.  i won’t want to but i will.  i’ll care, i’ll exaggerate things.  i will.  i’ll be upset.  i’ll be irrational.  i’ll cry about it.  i’ll worry.  me, this girl.  i’ll be sad about it.  i won’t say anything but i won’t be okay with it.

and, you know, there probably won’t be anything going on… i never imagined it before… but now i’ve seen pics… i’ve seen conversations.  i’ve seen plans for trips.  i’ve seen it!  i can’t take that back.  i can’t.  it’s stuck in my mind as a gentle reminder that faithful to me is very different from your version.  how could you.  you ruined this.  i loved you.

i’m trying to forgive and move forward. i’m trying to pretend i’m happy.  i’m trying to forget this ever happened.  with this sickness in my tummy on the daily… and this lump in my throat… these tears in my mind.  one day i won’t.

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me, again… yes, i can’t hold onto a bf to save my life…

September 4, 2012 Leave a comment

rant after a heartbreak… i need this… i’m hurt, i feel betrayed… and i don’t understand how someone can do this to you while acting like they truly care for you.  while really fitting into your life and making plans with you.  while merging families.

why does this happen to me… i’m done.  i’m done with all the bullshit!  i’m tired of it!  i’m tired of pouring my heart and soul into everything i do… only to be betrayed by the people that i care so dearly about.  why is it so fucking easy for them to do this to me.  i would NEVER do this to anyone.  i don’t fucking deserve it!  what do i do that’s so bad… that’s so awful that i get treated like this.  nothing! not a freaking thing.  i am caring, sweet, loving, outgoing, etc.  i’m not perfect.  sure, i have my fair share of problems… it’s strictly financial problems; embarrassing but i don’t deserve to be disregarded.  i’m a good person.  i do good things.  i’m a mom.  a caring, loving mom.  i just want a family.  a complete family.  i don’t have one single piece of it.  am i so awful for wanting and seeking a partner in my life?  a real, good person with values and strong family.  someone with their shit together… someone that my son can look up to!  why is that so fucking hard to imagine???  i know why… it doesn’t exist.  it’s bullshit.  it’s a complete waste of time to look.  i should just forget about that whole idea that there might be someone out there that actually gives a shit.  that wouldn’t cheat on me.  that cares enough to finish one thing before he moves on to the next.

close one door before you open another… why isn’t that just common courtesy?  i don’t get it???  let me know.  it’s not that big of a fucking deal.  i don’t want to date anyone that isn’t fully committed to me… why would I??? why would i continue to invest in someone or bring them around my family?  I wouldn’t.  i would never want to have another boyfriend only to end up heartbroken… again… why?  5 whole months wasted.  another man introduced to my son… who really isn’t a good person.  5 months… and in two years or less, i won’t even know this person existed.  another waste of time.  hurtful blow.  to further raise my belief that true love is never going to head my way.  i want it.  i need it.   i am desperate for it.  i’ve lost my mom, i’ve lost my grandpa (& grandma)… the only family that would always stick by me.  here i am longing desperately for a family… an adult to interact with that’s committed to me unconditionally… a partner.  a really hero for my children.  i feel worthy.

fine, lord, i’ll keep waiting… i’ll keep seeking.  i’ll keep putting myself out there… but i’m a lil broken this second.  i’m 100% mr right is going to have to really work hard to get me to really believe.  every single time that i think that’s it’s great, it isn’t.

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